Your Love

Ever have something hit you and you're left almost in tears at something you've come to realize? That happened to me on mulitple occasions today.

I had a three hour bus ride and an hour of my mom driving me home. So I slept some of it, peered out the window for some of it, and talked to my mom for some of it. I had a bunch of thoughts rushing through my mind today; well, as usual really, but I want to focus in on these thoughts and explore them.

There was a man next to me at the bus stop. I was wide awake somehow despite my lack of sleep and not being a morning geared person, but I was still aware of his presence, and I was intimidated of him. I'll confess, I was totally judging him. I immediately noticed several things about him. He was black, driven to Puff's by a white overweight woman who was smoking a cigaretthe car was white and had paint chipped off it, and there was a young child in the backseat who kept staring at this man as if she was horribly confused at what all was going on. He walked with a strange limp in his leg. He had a backpack like me. He went into the store and went back into the car, handed the woman a pack of cigarettes and took one for himself, kissed her good bye and shut the door. I was nervous as he sat near me on the cement railing thing. I kept thinking to myself what if he attacks me? Where is my pepper spray? Where is my wallet? Can I yell loudly this early in the morning when I'm still groggy?

Pathetic. I know. :'-( He's a person and here I am completely judging him off of his looks and the actions I've observed. What little I have observed.

I am terrible at waiting patiently, so I needed something to do rather than just sit there and sip my hot chocolate since I had finished it. I took out my book and read a few pages. Since I had been hearing loud trucks for a while and since my head was down and my eyes gazing at the words in the book, I hadn't realized the bus was arriving. The man next to me said, "Hey! The bus." And I looked up and saw it coming forth our way. I looked at him, smiled, and replied, "Oh, thanks!"

I felt horrible about what I thought about him initially. Even if those things proved to be true about him, I still shouldn't take a glance at someone and assume I know about them. I mean, it makes me gasp like hey what are people thinking about me when they see me and observe something little I do? Am I rude to be reading my book and not chatting with this guy while waiting at the bus? Does he think I'm a nerd? Does he think I'm stuck up? Does that send an unfriendly signal? I wish I would have just started a conversation with him because I love talking to people, even if they are complete strangers, yet I lack the confidence to initiate most of the time and if I initiate something, my heart is racing and I worry lots, but I've been trying to force myself to break out of this ah timid or whatever you have it habit.

My mom was approaching the toll booths near ah Norristown. I was talking about something or other and something came over me. I was really excited to see her and I was looking forward to seeing my family and MAXWELL! He's our puppy. Anyways, I haven't felt "happy" in a while well a while while. I'm feeling more weight off my chest lately and I need to keep pushing forward and going.

Peace is something I felt today. A feeling that somehow, no matter what lifei throws my way, God will be by my side. I feel so broken. I feel empty and alone, but I know deep down I am not. I need to keep reminding myself to fight through the lies I often repeat in my head.

At the race tonight, I was next to a couple while lining up for the start. She was in front of him and before the gun went off, she turned around and they kissed and exchanged, "I love you." I gulped and tried not to be jealous, but I was. I thought...where's my man? where's my kiss? where's my "I love you"?

I just looked at Brian's profile, despite him deleting me off his facebook, and I am crying now. I feel so hurt. I'm sick of being hurt. It's my own fault though. I knew he wasn't right for me from the beginning, but the fool I am, I decided to just go with it. Hmmm. Maybe I should explain more in depth.

Last summer was absolutely hell. It was the worst summer of my life. I felt angry at God to be honest. I totally lost my relationship with Him. I hadn't graduate and I was supposed to in May 2009. It was upsetting because my friends were graduating and there I was, stuck behind. Then, a boyfriend (one I was convinced I was going to marry; the only one in which I was) and I weren't together anymore and that left me crying lots and depressed as anything. Then, I didn't have a job. I had applied for a nurse externship that winter but the Philadelphia area cut back their programs and I was left with nothing there. I felt so lost. I hardly have any friends who live back home, so I felt even more alone. Our family dog Sandy was put to sleep:'-( All these things happened within a close time frame and it was I don't even know how to describe it. Like someone cut open my chest and punctured my heart and hysterically laughed while I bled and then poured gasoline all over me and laughed while I burned. Okay, I hope you'll continue to read and you won't have nightmares.

I cried a lot over this guy. He was special. I felt we were meant for each other and I was angry why God wouldn't allow us to be together. Everything seemed so right, so meant to be and it killed me. I couldn't deal with him not being in my life. I missed him so much. I tried calling a few times, but no answer. I youtubed knitting and knitted him a scarf and tried to mail it along with a letter but the address was incorrect, and I received it back and cried. I figured it was a sign that he wasn't interested. People told me to move on and I told myself that I had to find someone to fill this hole in my heart. So, without being "over" this guy, I forced myself to move on because I was lonely and wanted to fill that void. I left God out of the picture and focused on my wants and desires and not my needs. It would soon come back to haunt me.

I joined a dating website called OkCupid.com and majority of the guys on there freaked me out, actually all but one ha ha ha. Anyways, so I decided to try another dating site. It's called plentyoffish.com ....I was just about to cancel that account as well when two guys messaged me. I gave them my sn and said if you want to keep talking, im me sometime. Both did and we kept in touch. The one was going to come visit me at Bloom despite having one arm in a cast! Crazy I know! He made the like 2hr or so trip and he tried calling my cell phone while I was in the commons, but somehow I didn't hear it any of those times. He said he waited for a bit and then turned around and drove home. I felt horrible about that luck.

Then the other guy came to visit me and we went to Knoebel's and 4 wheeling in the mountains and a bonfire and it was fun. We kept in touch and soon became girlfriend and boyfriend. Then I withdrew again from Bloom and moved home for a bit. Then I got a job in Danville and moved in with a friend.

I broke up with the guy. I haven't broken up with a guy since sophomore year in high school so it was like 2003. I realized I was living a lie. God and I needed a relationship again. I needed to quit submitting to what a guy wants and make him my world and submit to what God wants from me and serve Him.

I haven't stopped loving that initial guy mentioned, and I'm not sure if I ever will. I am still convinced we are meant to be, but that's not up to me. If we are, then God will make it happen in His time. I just have to keep focusing on what God has blessed me with and be content with God.

Cape May bound later today actually.