Silence the Lies

Not a fan of looking in the mirror. When I gaze into that face staring back at me, I'm left in a mystery. I close my eyes to end this day. What is all of this? Why is it here to stay?

Black

That's right. I'm listening to Pearl Jam's, "Black," as I type this. It's my favorite Pearl Jam song. Anyways, Max is cuddling with me on the couch :-D Yesssssssssssss.

Well, yesterday it snowed here, like, actually sticking and such. Nothing major, but it depresses me because it confirms that winter is surely on its way. Winter officially begin on the 21st I think. I could rant and rave about how much I hate the winter, but I'll save that for another time.

Right now I'm feeling anxious about the future. Tomorrow I move into my apt., so that in and of itself is an adjustment. My dad is lending me his vehicle for the semester, so that'll be an adjustment having a vehicle in my possession! Especially having it in the winter :-/ It just got inspected and didn't need anything significant just an oil change I believe. That's been on my mind, as well as the semester of course.

Now, I withdrew twice from this class, so I haven't even taken it for like one month if that. I know some things to expect, but it'll be new to me some of it as well. There will be new students for me to meet and I'm not sure what professors will all be involved, I mean I know most, but I'm not sure if anything has changed professor wise. The uniforms have changed, so luckily Katie was able to help me with that.

I'm looking forward to seeing people again. I'm so secluded living at home, and I hate it for that. I'll get to see Katie, Joel, possibly Megan, Briggs, Anna, Pastor Lyon & Barb, & Heather all within the first two days :-D I'll get to see people from church like the Shifflets, Meyers family, & Tim. So yeah, I'm looking forward to all that.

For some reason I get very anxious before new things. I'm just on edge right now for some reason and it's not like I should be, yet I am. I'm very sensitive to how people react to things, so I'm just nervous how all these people who I'll be interacting with will react to seeing me and hoping I don't say/do stupid things. I fear rejection and abandonment as far fetched as that is regarding these relationships, I fear that a lot.

Anyways, I wanna go running outside today, so I'm hoping the roads are ah okay around the neighborhood. I know the main roads are fine, but I mean I just don't wanna slip and break my skull ya know :-P That might be important to still keep intact.

Well, I'm going to watch some nursing skill videos, take Max out, and workout.
"When I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me, you make everything all right"-Train

I Don't Recognize My Face in the Mirror

I'm in bed listening to Tracy Chapman's, "Fast Car." It's an oldie but goodie. I'm not sure what it is about certain songs, but sometimes they just capture how I'm feeling. It doesn't have to be the lyrics either. Just the overall vibe I get from a song speaks to me or something.

I'm just feeling lonely. It's like even if I'm around people physically, emotionally I'm all over the place and feel out of control. It'll all be okay somehow. I just have all this fear and have trouble relaxing. It's to the point where I sleep so I stop thinking, but even when I sleep, I recall most of my dreams, and yes, the nightmares don't help.

I need a hug. I need to be reminded of the truth. I am not alone. I am not worthless. I am not broken. My feelings overwhelm me and have the power, if I don't surrender them to God and seek His wisdom, of destroying me.

Please God, help me to cling to You. Help me to cry out to You.

Stupid Stuff About Myself

-I have a fixation with odd numbers. I feel that they're superior to even numbers. I was born on October 5th. My name has five letters in it. My family has five members (including myself). My grandma (Dad's mom) was born on October 5th as well. And I have five digits on each limb of my body. Those are my five reasons for liking the odd number 5.

-My hands and feet get cold easily. In addition, various people have seen my lips turn purple while I'm in a swimming pool or just cold. My nose gets really red from blowing it or being in the cold, and I often refer to myself as Rudolph.

-I used to slow dance to music in my room with my teddy bear named Beary when I was little. It took me til my sophomore year of college to stop sleeping with a teddy bear. Although, last night and tonight I'm sleeping with a body pillow next to me. I recently woke up from a dream and realized I was hugging myself. I apparently have this need to be held.

-My grandma (Mom's mom) taught me how to crochet, and I have made several blankets.

-I like going to live musical performances everything from a coffeehouse to a big name artist concert. I've crowd surfed once, and I'd like to do it again. I've been to the following concerts: Lifehouse & Goo Goo Dolls, Breaking Benjamin, Paramore & Jimmy Eat World, Rancid & Rise Against. I have yet to experience Creation and would like to do that as well.

-I want to write a book about my life. Specifically being about my younger years and the various transitions and such. I really feel compelled to share with the youth some of the stuff I've been through in hope to inspire them to get help if they need it and to help others.

-I'm a dog person. Sandy was our first family dog. She was a terrier-mix, and we adopted her from our local S.P.C.A. They found her in Chester when she was just a few weeks old I think. I think we put her down May 4, 2009 at our vet. I flat out told my mom that I had to go be with Sandy until her very last breath. My mom wanted to protect me from experiencing that, but it's the most meaingful thing for me to have been by her side telling her I love her repeatedly until she took that last breath. The last sense that goes is hearing, so I needed to be there with her. I am tearing up writing this, but I will always love her. I took a nap with her in our yard when we first got her and from then on we had numerous bonding moments. The one night I almost slept in the bathroom with her. I was singing to her and she had her head in my lap. She'll always be my baby.

-I'm really not sure where to go after having written all that. I have the need to get things out of my head in order to feel somewhat sane. Sharing with others and having them share with me makes me feel loved. I need to talk to people everyday. I'm not one of those people who can be by themselves for long periods of time and be content with it all.

-Pearl Jam's "Black" is what I'm listening to right now. I don't own many CDs. I need to get someone to burn me a CD for when I drive, so that I'm not going crazy with the radio while driving. I can't stand having to change the dial every other song while listening to the radio. I like having music to drive to, but not just any crap that's on the radio nowadays. And for the record, Christmas music is so freakin annoying. Okay, so there are exceptions to that statement, but majority of Christmas music played on the radio makes me wanna gouge my eyes out. It's so fake and lovey dovey and jippity jumpity and I'm like screw this! And another note, I don't like that radio show Delilah. My mom had it on tonight while on the way to Kohl's and I made snoring noises while she read this letter from a listener. My mom got annoyed by me doing it and ripping the show apart doing impressions and such, but yeah ha ha.

-I'm not flexible, but I'm really good at Twister. I'm not sure how that works, but it's true.

-One of my favorite desserts to prepare is chocolate covered pretzels. I really like to eat soft pretzels. If I had to live off of soft pretzels, that would be perfectly fine with me. Granola or cereal and yogurt is really good too.

-I have a fixation with my eyelashes. It's been a habit of mine to pluck them very thin when I'm more stressed. Yeah. One of my therapists pointed that out to me that when I was more stressed, my eyebrows would be thinner. I pluck them so often that if I don't for a few days, it's like major eyebrow overload of hairs.

-I shaved my arms once just to see what it'd be like because the mother of a family I stayed with during the summer  flood shaved her arms 'cuz her husband liked how they felt. I was curious, but it wasn't all that great. I don't consider my arms too unbearably hairy, so I felt it wasn't necessary for me to keep doing.

Well, good night :-) hah