Come Inside and Stay a While

Whack! The front door flies open as I dart through it, shimmy down the stars, and rapidly flail my arms and legs back and forth as I run across the street to the park. I stand tall and proudly on the soft green grass on top of the hill. I gaze around to survey the park activity. 

A young mother is pushing her baby forward in a swing. She smiles as her baby has this dull expression on her face. Babies often look confused and like blobs to me. It's like people want babies to be happy as they are brought up into the strange world, but it's often hard to tell what on earth they are thinking. 

The silver metal slide shines. It intimates me because of it's height, but I'm captivated by it. I throw my arms up in excitement and rush to the bottom of its stairs. As I climb, I intensely focus on my footing and grasp extra carefully the bars on each side. The sun caresses my face as I get higher. The beauty of its rays makes me smile. I firmly place my feet on the top of the slide. I've reached the top. It's time to venture down it. I hesitate. I look around and see if anyone is watching. Why am I suddenly scared? I've reached the top. I'm where I so much wanted to be! This is my chance! This is what I wanted to experience! Why am I shaking? Why can't I catch my breath? 

The fear consumes me. I look down at my legs and realize my knees are shaking. I steady them and a shiver runs down my spine. Sweat trickles down my neck, and I can't think. 

No one is at the park anymore. No cars are driving by. No one is outside their homes. Although the sun is shining, all I see is darkness. What do I do? 

I feel my body grow unsteady again. I sway backwards but quickly grasp the bars and hold myself up. 

My heart is pounding and I can't see clearly. Everything is spinning. 

I hear someone. I hear someone saying something. It's not clear. I can't make out the words. Where is this voice coming from? 

"Kelly!......Kel!.....KELLY!!!!" It's my mom. I recognize the voice. Where is she yelling from? 

My eyes kick back into focus. I scan the park. Ah, there she is! She's in the front yard of the house! She's worried. She looks like she might cry. Her eyes are weary. 

My throat is so dry. I mouth words, but nothing comes forth. I cough and gather the strength to yell back. I disguise my fear and confidently holler, "Hi, Mom!"

"Time for dinner!"

"I'll be right there!" 

I gulp. That means I have to go down the slide. I look at my mom as she's staring at me. I feel pressure. I have to do this. I look down the slide then back at my mom. She has her hands on her hips. I don't want to scare her, nor do I want to disappoint her. 

I close my eyes, take a deep breath in, and bend my knees. I sit on the cool metal. Here goes. I fling myself forward. The rush of the wind gives me goose bumps. My hair dances backwards and I'm speechless. 

My feet hit the sand. With disbelief, I stand. I run home faster than I've ever run before. 

I enter the front door and feel the warmth of the house. I so desperately need a hug, but am too ashamed to ask for one. I sit on a wooden chair at the kitchen table with a zombie-like expression. It's time to eat, but I have no appetite. I force myself to eat, but am numb. 

No matter how distant or close you feel to feeling truly alive, there are eyes on you. 
You can be alone, but eyes are on you. His eyes are on you. I've been physically alone, yet the Lord is still by my side. I've cried alone in my bed, but the Lord's eyes are on me. I've felt alone at work, but the Lord is right by my side. I may be weak, but He is strong. 

Have you ever felt alone in your thoughts? Alone in your body? Have you felt that no one feels how you feel? No one has been through what you've been through? No one can ever even come close to what you've been through, where you are, and/or where you are going? Ever feel these things? 

Guess what? He did too. God humbled Himself into the image of man (Philippians. 2). He came onto this earth. He walked on this earth, even walked on water, and went through all sorts of trials. He was rejected by His own people. His own people spit on Him and crucified Him. They brutally beat Him and nailed His hands and feet to a cross for Him to hang until His death. 

Reach out to the One who will never leave nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
Reach out to the One who is the One and Only One who can strengthen you through all things (Philippians 4:13). 
Reach out the the One who will wipe your every tear (Revelation 21:4)
Reach out because He loves you (John 3:16). 

People have fear, hurt, and loneliness in their eyes. Take the moment to just say, "Hi," or, "How are you?" Even if you don't know them. Take the time to share God's love just by acknowledging their presence. You'll be amazed how far a simple greeting can go. You might find that a simple greeting can turn into a deep conversation and perhaps saving them into the eternal kingdom of our Lord!

It'd be nice to say I feel fine. Everything's okay. Life is grand. But to say all these things would simply be a lie. 

This picture is a picture I've used in the past to express how I feel. Yes, I feel like a shattered glass. 

I'm sorry all I am is a mess up. I'm sorry all I am is a disappointment.

I'm somewhere between here and there. I'm caught in a ditch without a direction. I'm walking on this path in the dark, alone. The trees shake in the wind. I feel the chill. There's no turning back. No going forward.
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The wind engulfs me. I'm tossed and turned. I grasp my collar to try to block the wind from its pull. I hold on with all my might to the clothes on my skin, but the wind rattles my bones.

I see a girl looking back at me. Her eyes penetrate into my soul. She looks familiar, but I can't quite make out who she is. She is so serious. Tears run down her face as she whispers into my ear softly, "I once knew you, but now you are a mystery. I wish I never knew you. Who you are right now is who I hate. Go from me and never return."

She slowly backs away. Our eyes meet again. For the last time. My lip quivers. I nod. She just stares then turns her back and flees. She's wearing a black cape and it blows in the wind as she runs away from me. I stare at the cape as it represent authority. Her power. Her love. Her embrace. I've thrown it all away.

She once believed in me. She once held me as her own. Now, I have nothing. I've lost her.

A man jumps out in front of me. He tells me to hold his hand. His hand is so warm. I hold on for dear life. We walk a ways, but then he hears some rustling of leaves, so he decides to investigate. He lets go. He's gone.

I keep looking for him, but he's no where to be found.

I keep going. I stumble. I cry. I see a tree that's somehow resisting the wind. I crouch down into the fetal position and hug myself for warmth. I lean into the tree and talk to it. I tell the tree how scared and sorry I am. I pour out my soul to the tree. I gasp and bury myself in my tears.

Help Me To See You

Psalm 139: 13-14
For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful.

Lord, You are so beyond anything I'll ever be able to comprehend or understand. Please give me a steadfast heart that seeks You with everything breath I take. Help me not to fear the unknowns of this life and to not be discouraged by circumstances. You are there throughout everything. You hold me close and never let go. Help me to draw close to You through all. You are the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Take me and make me whole. In Your Name, Amen.

Isaiah 55: 6-9
Seek the Lord while He may be found; call on Him while He is near. Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the Lord and He will have mercy on him, and to our God for He will freely pardon. "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts."

I need to trust the Lord with my life. There are so many things that get in the way of me seeking Him. I get distracted by the things of this world and get caught up in things that don't matter on the eternity level. Why do I cling to things that won't satisfy me? Why do I take Him for granted? Why do I put Him in a box or on a shelf when in all reality He is the most important thing there is? He has provided for me. He has blessed me with an amazing family, some close friends, food, shelter, a job, and a church family. He has given me breath and has rescued me from the pit of despair. He is my hope. He is the one thing in this world that cannot be shaken no will He forsake me.

Psalm 62:8 Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.

Lord, help me to surrender my ways to You. Help me to see Your faithfulness in my life. Help me to cling to Your promises and Your ways. Help me to seek You and to love You more and more. In Your Name, Amen.

Romans 8:11 And if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit, who lives in you.

I need life, Lord. Give me life. Give me Your Spirit. Give me a Spirit that yearns and clings to You in all and every situation(s). Help me to define myself by You and not of things of this world. You are my peace. You are my strength. Help my heart to beat for You. Help my soul to be satisfied as if with the richest of foods because Your love is better than life. Help me to see myself in Your eyes, Lord. Help me to be Your child and to listen to Your instructions. Break me. Break all of me. Help me to love You with my first love of You. You are so beyond my comprehension. Your love is unconditional and defeats all. You are a conquerer. You are the most powerful and mighty being there is. Who/what shall I fear when I have You?

Bless my family,friends, fellow believers, and those who need You.

Psalm 63 says, "Because Your love is better than life, my lips will praise You." Something like that. That's my paraphrasing. That is incredible that the Lord's love is better than life. I don't really view life as something all that great, but it's saying that the awesome experiences that we have during this life, are nothing compared to the Lord's love. His love surpasses all.

Lord, take my emptiness. Take my brokenness. Give me a heart that yearns for You in a dry and weary land where there is no water. Lord, I need You. Restore my soul. Amen.

My lips are quivering but You deliver me

Life is unpredictable. You wake up, and you don't know what'll happen. You have plans in your head and/or obligations for the day, but you don't exactly know how things will unravel.

Work is probably the best example of this. I go in, I don't even know which floor I'm on between the two floors. I don't know what patients I will be assigned to. You never know if they'll remain stable or go downhill. The doctors switch around medications and other things throughout the shift. Patients come and go from tests. Family come and go. You're somehow supposed to keep it all together no matter the emotional and physical toll.

I don't know the future. I have my dreams of what I want to get out of life and how I want it all to play out. But it's not up to me. I need to give it to God. Fully trust and place my confidence in Him. He has promised to never leave nor forsake me, but I doubt Him a lot. I doubt that He will provide. I doubt that things will work out. I doubt that I'll be okay.

John 6:47-48 I tell you the truth, he who believes has everlasting life. I am the bread of life.

Lord, please help me to trust You with all that I am. Please help me to praise You through all circumstances. Whether I live in need or in plenty, help me to find rest in You and You alone. Amen.

You're the Only One Who Knows Who I Really Am

Take me. Take these scars. Take these fears. Hold me close. Never let me go. Embrace me. Breathe life into this dead soul. Energize me with Your everlasting love. Renew me. Lift up my face when all I can see is the dirt I've created.

How could You love me? How could You take it upon Yourself to die for me? I don't deserve that kind of love. I don't deserve anything. I deserve death. I deserve to have the worst.

I am so unworthy, yet You overcame everything so that I might live. Please renew me. Help me not to forsake my first love for You. Your ways are beyond mine. You are so beyond me. Please help me to trust You. Help me to pour out my soul to You. You are my peace.

It Overwhelms Me that You Still Care

"Sometimes I cry because I can't believe Your love is big enough to cover me"-TFK

You carry me. You protect me. You free me. I might feel all alone, but You are with me always. Where can I go where You aren't there? Where can I hide? You see me. You always do. Please, please, please, free me from all my chains. Give me Your peace and wisdom and strength to get through each day. I need You.

Driving back from work in the rain was so peaceful. I love the darkness of the night and the temperature was so nice. The rain and be very tranquil. I like being out in the rain at times. I wanna go walking in the rain when it's warm enough to do so and just soak it up. Close my eyes and feel it. Let it become a part of me. That's what I want. I want to love people and have them love me. I want them to feel connected to me and I to them. I want my heart to be a part of their heart.

I can go back in my mind to some really deep moments in my life. Some were phenomenal in terms of joyful & happy and others were horrific paralyzing fearful painful moments, but all are puzzle pieces of the large picture of life. God allows things for a reason. He has a plan that is beyond us. In the midst of trials we tend to hate everything and curse God. What good does that do? He will help us overcome any & everything. He overcame this world. He will and does provide. He is everlasting and the only One who can do more than we can ever imagine or possibly fathom.

My heart and flesh may give way, but You remain. You simply remain. Thank You.

When We Fade Into Nothing

I think of the greatest moments in my life thus far. I think about how I was feeling, what I was doing, who I was with, and I think of how I can attain more moments like them. 

 

Various races have been significantly rewarding. One was in high school, at night on the track. It was the 2miler and it was my best time. 13:02 I think it was. I felt strong and I loved the coolness of the night. The lights weren't super bright or obnoxious. I didn't win the race nor did I lose it. I was in the middle but for me personally, I was soaring. My legs were in such a rhythm and my heart was set on the journey. My soul was embraced in the chanting cadence around the track. I felt as if no one was there but me. I knew other people were on the track. I knew people were in the stands. But all in all, I was by myself running in another world. I gave it my all and I felt so great afterwards. I was so happy I cried inside. I didn't want my teammates seeing me cry or asking me what happened or anything. It was just an overwhelming feeling to accomplish my best race and to feel so great during the journey. That's what I want my life to be like. I want to enjoy the journey and look back and feel the rush and joy of it all. I want to smile and cherish everything. 

Another race was this past New Year's Eve. It was a 5k and it was chilly outside because it was on a winter night, but it was amazing. I listened to Florence and the Machine's, "Shake It Out" repeatedly during my warm up. I flew. I flat out flew during this race because to me it was my way of living out the lyrics: 

"And I've been a fool and I've been blind

I can never leave the past behind

I can see no way, I can see no way

I'm always dragging that horse around

All of his questions such a mournful sound

Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground

'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkness before the dawn"

 

Another race was in Berwick that I got my best 6miler time. That was full of snow, wind, chills, and hills. Getting through it all made it so worth it. I had two friends that showed up to cheer me on and to support me. I'm so thankful for that. It was amazing. 

The other moment was when I got back from a church camp when I was in middle school. It was called Circle K and it was in the woods like cabins, outhouses, wooden outdoor showers ha ha, campfires, capture the flag! It was oh so awesome! I remember getting home from it and being outside of my house and just being outside in the yard staring up in the sky singing, "Shout to the Lord." That was my favorite worship song. We had this one night of chapel when they shared a drama with music thing I can't recall the name but it had such a powerful message about God's love and how He wipes us clean. It broke me and many others and we all just wept and wept. It was so special. His love overcomes all obstacles. His love is so powerful. I'm in awe of Him. 

Lord, please help me to have more special moments in my life. Help me to feel Your love and grace. Help me to feel Your presence no matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing. You are my strength and stronghold. When the rain comes, You comfort me. When the sun is shining, You are with me and my smiling face. You are the air I breathe. Hold me. Your child forever, Amen. 

You are my strength when I am weak

Psalm 63:6-8
On my bed I remember You; I think of You through the watches of the night. Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings. My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me.

Nights kinda suck. I analyze what all happened during the day and I get lonely. I miss having someone special to see when I'm done with work. I miss having that to look forward to. I should be more grateful for what I do indeed have, yet my mind plays games on me and steals from the joy I could be having.

He's with me always. Why do I feel so alone at times? Why do I feel like I'm a horrible person? I feel a lot of guilt and shame about who I am. I feel inadequate and inferior. These are all lies, yet I give in to them. I give in and make myself feel that I'm not good enough for this or that. I'm filled with a lot of emotion until I get to the point where I just cry and cry and cry.

I hold things inside and don't know how to express myself until it gets to the core and I just can't hold back anymore and it pours out like rain. I love the symbolism of rain and clarity and a soul being quenched. A soul breaking free. All the pain and suffering and torture are thrown away.

Lord, help me to see You. Help me to know that You are always there. You are here with me despite my feelings/thoughts telling me otherwise. Free me from these chains. Help me to rely on You above and beyond anything. You are my everything. You are the breath that I breathe, the water I drink, and my entire being. Help me to be found in You. Help me to lose myself so that I might see more and more of You in me. Chisel me into Your image and help me to face each day with an attitude that it's just one more day close to You. One more day to praise You and glorify You, yet one day closer to being with You forever. I want that. I want to be free from this world and to worship You for eternity. Yours, Amen.

Walking with me all this time

When I feel alone, You are there. When I've lost my way, You are there. When I stumble and give up, You are there.

When I wake up, I'm usually afraid of what the day may bring, but You are my peace. You can help me walk on water. Why do I have such little faith in You when You've performed miracles and have overcome all there is? Who am I to doubt the God of the universe? You are more than worthy of my praise. Why do I leave You out to dry? Find me here. Find me reaching out to You. You are amazing. You are my everything.

Proverbs 19:21-22 Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. What a man desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar.

Not entirely sure what this mean, but I think we have in our heads what we want in life, but the Lord knows best. He knows what He wants from us and it's up to us to follow Him. We need to seek Him above and beyond our own desires. He is our refuge and strength. He is our water in a dry and weary land.

Psalm 63:1 O God, You are my God, Earnestly I seek You, my soul thirsts for You, my body yearns for You in a dry and weary land there there is no water.
Have you ever run or played some sort of vigorous physical activity and all you could think of was water? You not only physically yearn and desperately want the water but you emotionally and mentally seek after it. You are faced with an impending need. We cannot live without water.

Lord, be my water. Be my source of life when all I have is death.

The Scars Remain

Leave me be. Let go. Let me drown.

When I went walking, I saw something beautiful. It was the sunset. Its colors were mysterious. It drew me in. Then it disappeared. How could something so beautiful fade away? Darkness filled the sky. The wind crept up and left me shivering. I can't see. I only feel the cold. My body is wasting, wasting away. I am alone. I am nothing.

Rescue me from the depths of this sour heart. Rescue me from this death I have made of myself. Rescue me from the emptiness of my soul and the guilt that grips me. I cannot stand. I crawl and binge on poison. Fill me with life because all I am is death.

Help me to Lose Myself

Philppians 1:21 For me to live is Christ, to die is gain. 

Lord, help me to live for You and You alone. You are my strength. You are my everything. You have rescued me from the depth and pit of despair. I soar beneath Your wings. Help me to let go of my sins and forgive me for forsaking You. Forgive me for going astray. Help me to find myself in You. You are my King. You are the Lord of Lords. 

I praise You for loving me and for taking my place on the cross. Breathe Your life into me. Create in me a pure heart. Help me to let go of my past and see that I'm Your child. 

Help me to cling to You and to resist the Devil. You are worthy of my praise. Yours, Kelly

You Love Me, WHY?!

Lord, You are so beyond measure. I feel at a loss. When I examine myself, all I see is hate. 


I'm so selfish. Everything is about me, me, me. Where are YOU? Where is the light of my life and King of all Kings, Lord of Lords? Why do I leave you out of the equation? I run to everything BUT You! I seek pleasure in things that won't last and will surely fade. 


I want to be adored. I want to be worshiped. I wanna be loved. YOU love me! You love me despite how short I fall. Your love is better than life and Your love is what I need. Help me to believe that. Help me to truly believe that YOU are all I need. I seek to be my own god, but You are to be the Lord of my life. You are my Savior, King, Master, Mighty One, Counselor, Prince of Peace, Heavenly Father, and Almighty Deliverer! 


Why do I believe the lies? Why do I believe that You are not enough?


Remove this thinking. Take it all away. Take my heart, make it Yours. Make me Yours. I'm so empty, fill me with Your Holy Spirit, Your Truths, Your love, Your strength. I need You so desperately. 

I Need You; Save Me from Myself

Romans 8:38-39 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Why do I feel so unlovable? God has poured out His everything for me, a sinner, and yet I convince myself time and time again that God doesn't love me. How could anyone love me? I don't deserve love. 

I want to be loved so badly. Why do I resist God's love? Why do I search for this love in the wrong places? Why do I chase after the wind? Why do I cling to the familiar instead of what is True?

Lord, free me from my chains. Help me to renew my mind and to find strength in Your everlasting arms of grace. You are so far beyond me. You quench my soul. Help me to surrender my fears and anxieties. Help me to fall on my face before You and give You my everything. 

what is this

What is this feeling that nothing will get better? What is this voice inside that tells me I am nothing? What is this?

I'm so done with everything. I don't have anything I'm looking forward to. Well, I am looking forward to seeing my parents & sister and her husband Feb. 11th. I also have the Run for the Cookies on Feb. 25th.

A good majority of what I feel is anxiety. I am so worried I'm practically making myself sick.

Hold me because I'm giving up and giving in.

I'm so heavy in your arms

1 Corinthians 9:24-27 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

I ran the Bloomsburg YMCA New Year's Eve 5k. It was one of the best races I've run. I totally cried afterwards because I'm in such awe of how God could love me despite me being a sinner. It's amazing that God humbled Himself to become a man to save us. He carried me through that race. Despite all the crap in my life, God carried me through! I'm glad I have Him.