"Kiss the rain. Whenever you need me, kiss the rain. Whenever I'm gone too far. Keep in mind we're under the same sky. Kiss the rain. Kiss the rain."-Billie Myers
I have various special moments while at work. Today I'm remembering one specific occurrence. This patient has difficulty verbalizing. I stuck to the whole "yes" or "no" questions. Towards the end of my shift, he said, "Thank you." Not only was it a shock to hear him verbalize something, but I made eye contact and he had a smile on his face. That warmed my heart so much. I went over to his side and grabbed his hand. I find that holding a patient's hand means a lot, not only to them, but to me as well. I gave him a strong grasp as if I was receiving a high honored award of some sort. He's my award. Our special moment was all that mattered. The smiles and eye contact and our bond meant everything to me. While I was leaving I kept glancing at him with a smile and hoping he was okay. I dread good byes so much. Today was also my last day at this hospital, so I had good byes with coworkers as well.
While with another patient I got nervous while taking his blood sugar and I totally dropped some items. He read me like a book and said, "Take your time sweetheart." He knew just what to say to make me calm down a bit. That was another special moment.
I had a nightmare two nights ago. It was awful. I was at my parent's house in the basement alone. All of a sudden I hear that someone else was down there with me. This man was in the computer room. I instantly ran as fast as I could up the stairs. He started kicking through the wall and while ascending up the stairs his legs were busting through the wall beside me. I got to the top of the stairs and slammed the door. I tried turning the bolt, but he was resisting my efforts. Then I woke up all freaked out.
I talked to a good friend about the dream and told him my analysis of it. He agreed but also told me that perhaps I need to face the man and confront my fears rather than temporarily shut them away. I was like wow, that's a really good point. He told me to let the door open and face the man. Defeat him totally face to face vs. delaying the process.
Then last night, I had like the total opposite dream. It was one of those romantic fairy tale dreams. I confessed my love for someone and he broke down in tears, hugged me, and confessed his love for me too. I don't remember details, but that's the jist of the dream.
Something that was on my heart was well being involed with the church. On ah what day was that, oh, Tuesday, I did the Shiloh stand at the fair. I had a really good time and it meant a lot to me. Afterwards Karen and Rich said something along the lines of "thanks for doing such a great job. if you ever wanna help out with youth related activities let us know." I didn't expect that nor did I want to be thanked for anything. It was quite a coincidence because that had been on my heart lately. I have this ah desire to serve at a church of some sort or some related like ministry or something. I don't really see myself as this great leader or something, but if someone tells and teaches me something I love helping out. What I loved at the stand was touching base with people and having conversations about this that and the other thing ya know. And then making people smile and laugh and them doing the same for me. I loved having people come to the stand and doing their name explanation and such. I wanted them to stay longer, but I know we're just a stand and people "shop" so to speak come and go from stand to stand. I just hoped that they would have a good day and they would receive Christ and accept His love and surrender to Him.
While a freshmen in high school I wanted to attend Washington Bible College for being a Christian counselor. Shocked? I'm not. I had been through an outpatient program at BelMont near Philly that summer for several weeks, so that kinda inspired me to reach out to others already have been reached out to. I called the college and spoke with a professor or the dean of that particular course of study or something and he referred me to this book and I ordered the book and read some of it. I'm not sure if I still have it at home somewhere, and I can't even recall the name. I still have that in my heart to counsel people. It's just I know how it feels and I've been counseled. Not that I'm some professional, but I have that desire to just listen to people and share myself and have them share himself with me.
Anyways, despite it raining all day, I think sometimes we need a raining all day day in order to accomplish certain things and shift our focus on them and also to appreciate sunny days. Take care.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Grant me Peace
I'm listening to, yet again, "Colorblind" the Counting Crows version. I just am fascinated by this song. This is nothing new. I get into these modes in which I get "addicted" to certain songs. This is just an example.
I have a lot on my mind. I just got back from work and have a lot to say, yet it's tough because it's like what to put down and what not to. It all seems important yet not at the same time.
As nervous as I get, I love people. What satisfies me is my relationships with people. However, I live in such fear of rejection, that it's like difficult for me to take chances. For instance, I don't want to initiate convos or get togethers and come across as annoying or too needy or if the other person doesn't want to talk or have anything to do with me for that matter.
It's crossed my mind the past couple days of what it's like to be drunk. The closest I've got to being drunk was a teaspoon of wine for communion one time, one church service. I actually didn't know 'cuz it was the first time I took communion at this particular church. I noticed the kids weren't drinking the juice and I was like hmmm maybe they don't like the taste. Wow, I'm such an idiot. So yeah, then I drank it and realized oh. That's not just cranberry or whatever juice haha.
I think I have these wishes to get wasted because of wanting to rid myself of my mind. I want to have that total relaxation and not caringness if you will. But it just doesn't make sense for me to get drunk because I'm on an anti-depressant and if I drink that's a depressant. A friend recently told me ah having depression and drinking wouldn't be a good combo. Some people are like just don't take your med that day you drink and I'm thinking yeahhhh that has never gone well. I am always in wonder of what I would say if I got drunk. I'm very open now in terms of telling people things, well, depending who you are, so I can't imagine how much I'd say. It probably wouldn't be good. hah.
I just wish this pain I have would go away. It's not physical pain. It's this constant ache I suppose. These negative thoughts I have. I'm trying to pray when they come on. It's a constant chasing after the wind. I think it's a deep longing to be loved. I realize people love me, but I have trouble reaching out for help when I need it and I need attention and I just am more sensitive to things others say and do and I often take it negatively when they probably didn't even mean for it to come across that way.
I think about my loved ones throughout the day. I wonder where they are, what they're doing, if they're feeling okay physically, spiritually, emotionally. I feel this need for them to reassure me that they're okay and if they're not I want them tmo let me into their world so I can at least listen to what's going on with them. Not that I can resolve their issues, I know I don't have that power, but I want to walk along with them and hold their hand throughout everything. That's what makes me feel special. When people are willing to let me in, take their masks off, and say to me everything that's on their heart.
Tonight I had a 1:1 assignment which means this particular patient requires 24/7 assistance/monitoring. She has anxiety and was crying. She kept apologizing for her tears, and I told her that she needs to let herself cry. I told her that it's healthy to let herself feel what she's feeling. I rubbed her back and handed her tissues and talked to her. She thanked me, but I'm not here to be thanked, nor do I think people need to apologize for feeling how they feel. What I want more than anything is to be the one people share things with and feel comfortable talking to. I want people to feel cared about.
I'm thinking of this particular guy yet again. Hah. I hope he's sleeping well right now. I recently got to see him smile and when I think about him, I often close my eyes and see him smiling and that makes me feel like he's right there with me. It's really a nice thing. Today at church I was cold, and I wished he was there holding me to keep me warm. I miss that. I miss him holding me. I miss holding him. I wish I had a crystal ball and could see him sleeping right now. I'm thinking of making him pumpkin muffins. I'm not sure when, but the thought has crossed my mind, and I know I'll do it sometime soon.
I got invited to a Halloween party the Friday before Halloween. I'm thinking of just going as a princess 'cuz I already have the costume. I'll just wear a dress and a tiara. Maybe I'll got as Cinderalla since my sister has this light blue beaded longer dress and I have a tiara. Now for the blonde hair eh dang. Hah ah aha. Borrow my sister's hair! That'd work. I'm pretty lost as far as Halloween costumes go. I'm not too motivated to go out and buy something since that's kinda dumb for just one night, so I think I'll figure something out with stuff I already have. Cinderella/Princess is looking good right now, but I just got invited tonight, so I have a bit of time to brainstorm. Hmm. Decisions decisions. I'm not into those ah skanky slutty girl costumes either.
Okay, well, I suppose I shall pass out shortly.
No matter what, He still loves me.
"Then sings my soul, my Savior, God to thee, How great thou art, how great thou art"
I have a lot on my mind. I just got back from work and have a lot to say, yet it's tough because it's like what to put down and what not to. It all seems important yet not at the same time.
As nervous as I get, I love people. What satisfies me is my relationships with people. However, I live in such fear of rejection, that it's like difficult for me to take chances. For instance, I don't want to initiate convos or get togethers and come across as annoying or too needy or if the other person doesn't want to talk or have anything to do with me for that matter.
It's crossed my mind the past couple days of what it's like to be drunk. The closest I've got to being drunk was a teaspoon of wine for communion one time, one church service. I actually didn't know 'cuz it was the first time I took communion at this particular church. I noticed the kids weren't drinking the juice and I was like hmmm maybe they don't like the taste. Wow, I'm such an idiot. So yeah, then I drank it and realized oh. That's not just cranberry or whatever juice haha.
I think I have these wishes to get wasted because of wanting to rid myself of my mind. I want to have that total relaxation and not caringness if you will. But it just doesn't make sense for me to get drunk because I'm on an anti-depressant and if I drink that's a depressant. A friend recently told me ah having depression and drinking wouldn't be a good combo. Some people are like just don't take your med that day you drink and I'm thinking yeahhhh that has never gone well. I am always in wonder of what I would say if I got drunk. I'm very open now in terms of telling people things, well, depending who you are, so I can't imagine how much I'd say. It probably wouldn't be good. hah.
I just wish this pain I have would go away. It's not physical pain. It's this constant ache I suppose. These negative thoughts I have. I'm trying to pray when they come on. It's a constant chasing after the wind. I think it's a deep longing to be loved. I realize people love me, but I have trouble reaching out for help when I need it and I need attention and I just am more sensitive to things others say and do and I often take it negatively when they probably didn't even mean for it to come across that way.
I think about my loved ones throughout the day. I wonder where they are, what they're doing, if they're feeling okay physically, spiritually, emotionally. I feel this need for them to reassure me that they're okay and if they're not I want them tmo let me into their world so I can at least listen to what's going on with them. Not that I can resolve their issues, I know I don't have that power, but I want to walk along with them and hold their hand throughout everything. That's what makes me feel special. When people are willing to let me in, take their masks off, and say to me everything that's on their heart.
Tonight I had a 1:1 assignment which means this particular patient requires 24/7 assistance/monitoring. She has anxiety and was crying. She kept apologizing for her tears, and I told her that she needs to let herself cry. I told her that it's healthy to let herself feel what she's feeling. I rubbed her back and handed her tissues and talked to her. She thanked me, but I'm not here to be thanked, nor do I think people need to apologize for feeling how they feel. What I want more than anything is to be the one people share things with and feel comfortable talking to. I want people to feel cared about.
I'm thinking of this particular guy yet again. Hah. I hope he's sleeping well right now. I recently got to see him smile and when I think about him, I often close my eyes and see him smiling and that makes me feel like he's right there with me. It's really a nice thing. Today at church I was cold, and I wished he was there holding me to keep me warm. I miss that. I miss him holding me. I miss holding him. I wish I had a crystal ball and could see him sleeping right now. I'm thinking of making him pumpkin muffins. I'm not sure when, but the thought has crossed my mind, and I know I'll do it sometime soon.
I got invited to a Halloween party the Friday before Halloween. I'm thinking of just going as a princess 'cuz I already have the costume. I'll just wear a dress and a tiara. Maybe I'll got as Cinderalla since my sister has this light blue beaded longer dress and I have a tiara. Now for the blonde hair eh dang. Hah ah aha. Borrow my sister's hair! That'd work. I'm pretty lost as far as Halloween costumes go. I'm not too motivated to go out and buy something since that's kinda dumb for just one night, so I think I'll figure something out with stuff I already have. Cinderella/Princess is looking good right now, but I just got invited tonight, so I have a bit of time to brainstorm. Hmm. Decisions decisions. I'm not into those ah skanky slutty girl costumes either.
Okay, well, I suppose I shall pass out shortly.
No matter what, He still loves me.
"Then sings my soul, my Savior, God to thee, How great thou art, how great thou art"
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Just let me Sing you to Sleep
Heather told me I was talking in my sleep. Hah. That's good to know. She was in the kitchen doing a few things and heard me on the couch. I don't remember dreaming, but apparently I was talking about something or other.
I'm looking forward to this fall season. Hopefully some good times will be experienced. I'm heading to the Bloom Fair on Tuesday with Heather and her 'rents and I'm working the Shiloh name stand from 2-4, so hopefully that all goes well. I'm not a huge fair person, but I go just for something to do, and I like the outreach.
I got a book out from the Danville library today. It's Mr. Rogers, yes, the famous tv show guy:-) And it's titled, You are Special. Perhaps you're thinking, wow, that's lame. But I think I'll enjoy it. I'm going to start it today. I still have those two books to return to Shiloh.
Today I'm taking a break from running and will do walking. I'm thinking a walk this afternoon and then tonight.
I had a nightsweat and had to take a shower this morning. Fun fun. I'm doing laundry. I did some errands with Heather and that was fun. Bah. I forgot some of my recyclables while we went there! Bah. Oh well, gotta love my memory. Then my phone decided to die and it's now charging despite it having been charged when it died. Gotta love technology.
I miss my family and would love to give some hugs and kisses to them. I'm excited for my sister's wedding despite it being over a year til it occurs. I'm looking forward to doing some races while home as well and taking care of Max puppy! While home I'm always doing wash 'cuz we go through so much. It'll be 4 vs. 5 people, but we still manage to always have laundry to do. My dad gets a kick out of how I fold his underwear; he's used to just throwing it in there. Hah.
I enjoy going on walks with my mom and hearing my sister yell for us to come and see something she's watching on tv. It's usually something really funny. My mom likes watching Dancing with the Stars, so I'm sure I'll be watching that with her. My dad isn't so much into it but he'll watch it just to be with her or he'll read the newspaper while sitting beside her. He also does a lot of reading.
I'm sure my mom and sister and I will do some shopping. Heather gave me a free panty and bra coupon for Victoria Secret, so I'll be stopping there. I'll be getting birthday presents as well. I might be getting The Office DVDs, so that'll be neat. I didn't ask for anything other than new nursing shoes, but who knows what people will give me. I dont' need anything, but money is always nice for when I do need something. HAH. My mom really should receive gifts for enduring the labor of my birth and for putting up with me for almost 24 years! Maybe I'll give her a surprise gift:-) Something special 'cuz I love her.
Okay, well until we meet again!
I'm looking forward to this fall season. Hopefully some good times will be experienced. I'm heading to the Bloom Fair on Tuesday with Heather and her 'rents and I'm working the Shiloh name stand from 2-4, so hopefully that all goes well. I'm not a huge fair person, but I go just for something to do, and I like the outreach.
I got a book out from the Danville library today. It's Mr. Rogers, yes, the famous tv show guy:-) And it's titled, You are Special. Perhaps you're thinking, wow, that's lame. But I think I'll enjoy it. I'm going to start it today. I still have those two books to return to Shiloh.
Today I'm taking a break from running and will do walking. I'm thinking a walk this afternoon and then tonight.
I had a nightsweat and had to take a shower this morning. Fun fun. I'm doing laundry. I did some errands with Heather and that was fun. Bah. I forgot some of my recyclables while we went there! Bah. Oh well, gotta love my memory. Then my phone decided to die and it's now charging despite it having been charged when it died. Gotta love technology.
I miss my family and would love to give some hugs and kisses to them. I'm excited for my sister's wedding despite it being over a year til it occurs. I'm looking forward to doing some races while home as well and taking care of Max puppy! While home I'm always doing wash 'cuz we go through so much. It'll be 4 vs. 5 people, but we still manage to always have laundry to do. My dad gets a kick out of how I fold his underwear; he's used to just throwing it in there. Hah.
I enjoy going on walks with my mom and hearing my sister yell for us to come and see something she's watching on tv. It's usually something really funny. My mom likes watching Dancing with the Stars, so I'm sure I'll be watching that with her. My dad isn't so much into it but he'll watch it just to be with her or he'll read the newspaper while sitting beside her. He also does a lot of reading.
I'm sure my mom and sister and I will do some shopping. Heather gave me a free panty and bra coupon for Victoria Secret, so I'll be stopping there. I'll be getting birthday presents as well. I might be getting The Office DVDs, so that'll be neat. I didn't ask for anything other than new nursing shoes, but who knows what people will give me. I dont' need anything, but money is always nice for when I do need something. HAH. My mom really should receive gifts for enduring the labor of my birth and for putting up with me for almost 24 years! Maybe I'll give her a surprise gift:-) Something special 'cuz I love her.
Okay, well until we meet again!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Because You, You first loved me
I'm listening to Telecast's "Beauty of Simplicity." It's a favorite of mine among the songs I dig. I still wish I could sing well, but at least I have the ability to sing.
I was going to take a bath, but I decided not to. I'll just shower tomorrow(today) after my run. It might thunderstorm in the afternoon, so I'm kinda wishing it wouldn't 'cuz I'm helping with this community project at work. We're building a ramp for this therapeutic riding place. I have no clue what I'm doing, but I signed up for an hour. Hah.
I've never ridden a horse, but I have ridden a camel last summer (2009) with my mom at the Philly Zoo. It was just a short ride, but it was fun. I'm not a horse person though. Some people own their own horses and/or are really into riding and showing horses and such, but it's just not my thing. If I were to ride a horse it'd be like with a good friend or family or something just for the experience. I often feel bad for horses. I suppose they like the attention humans give them but at the same time I feel they get pissed and just want to be left alone HAH. Maybe that's just how I feel and am just projecting it onto horses!
So, I am frustrated with myself. I still feel alone despite knowing God loves me and has promised never to leave nor forsake me. I felt like an idiot because I took a nap this afternoon and somehow didn't hear my watch nor phone alarm! I somehow managed to arrive at work on time. I ran some of the way with my backpack. I was hard on myself thinking I"m irresponisible. My phone was under the couch cushions. I'm guessing I shut my watch off when it went off, but I really don't remember. I was in a very deep sleep. Maybe I should just see it as a blessing that I managed an awesome nap and somehow got to work on time. I was sweaty when I arrived, but it dried up 'cuz the air conditioning was blasting. I had goosebumps majority of the shift. Hah.
It seems that whenever I go on runs lately, that the wind is blowing against me especially at the end. It's kinda neat though because I've been getting better and kicking it at the end. Just meaning not slowing down and keep pushing against the wind. I think it's like a representation of God in our lives. Despite the many trials and awful things that occur, He wants us to keep kicking, and He's by our side no matter what. It's very tough to grasp the concept that we are not alone. I struggle with that so much. Right now I'm physically alone in my apt. and am wishing someone else were here with me. We don't need to be in the same room or looking at each other or touching, I just find security in someone else's presence. Maybe I'm a baby I don't know.
I need to stop focusing on myself and focus on others more as well. Despite not having a humongous family or too many freinds, I still have concerns and worries for people. I need to express God's love to these people and treat them well. I just want them to feel loved. It's so important. I'm not talking about the lovey dovey love, I'm talking about the feeling they have value and are worth something. It's so tough to focus on our trials and forget what we have. I want God to use me to help people. Even if I cannot change their circumstances nor take away their pain nor profoundly change their lives, I just want them to know I care and know God cares. I want them to know that if they need a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent to or someone to just listen or someone to compliment them or give them advice that I'm willing. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, well, correction, I know I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I am an emotional person who desires deep relationships rooted in God's love with people. Christian or non-Christian, richer or poorer, I want to reach out to them. I'm not here to judge but to care. These are my wishes and desires.
I was going to take a bath, but I decided not to. I'll just shower tomorrow(today) after my run. It might thunderstorm in the afternoon, so I'm kinda wishing it wouldn't 'cuz I'm helping with this community project at work. We're building a ramp for this therapeutic riding place. I have no clue what I'm doing, but I signed up for an hour. Hah.
I've never ridden a horse, but I have ridden a camel last summer (2009) with my mom at the Philly Zoo. It was just a short ride, but it was fun. I'm not a horse person though. Some people own their own horses and/or are really into riding and showing horses and such, but it's just not my thing. If I were to ride a horse it'd be like with a good friend or family or something just for the experience. I often feel bad for horses. I suppose they like the attention humans give them but at the same time I feel they get pissed and just want to be left alone HAH. Maybe that's just how I feel and am just projecting it onto horses!
So, I am frustrated with myself. I still feel alone despite knowing God loves me and has promised never to leave nor forsake me. I felt like an idiot because I took a nap this afternoon and somehow didn't hear my watch nor phone alarm! I somehow managed to arrive at work on time. I ran some of the way with my backpack. I was hard on myself thinking I"m irresponisible. My phone was under the couch cushions. I'm guessing I shut my watch off when it went off, but I really don't remember. I was in a very deep sleep. Maybe I should just see it as a blessing that I managed an awesome nap and somehow got to work on time. I was sweaty when I arrived, but it dried up 'cuz the air conditioning was blasting. I had goosebumps majority of the shift. Hah.
It seems that whenever I go on runs lately, that the wind is blowing against me especially at the end. It's kinda neat though because I've been getting better and kicking it at the end. Just meaning not slowing down and keep pushing against the wind. I think it's like a representation of God in our lives. Despite the many trials and awful things that occur, He wants us to keep kicking, and He's by our side no matter what. It's very tough to grasp the concept that we are not alone. I struggle with that so much. Right now I'm physically alone in my apt. and am wishing someone else were here with me. We don't need to be in the same room or looking at each other or touching, I just find security in someone else's presence. Maybe I'm a baby I don't know.
I need to stop focusing on myself and focus on others more as well. Despite not having a humongous family or too many freinds, I still have concerns and worries for people. I need to express God's love to these people and treat them well. I just want them to feel loved. It's so important. I'm not talking about the lovey dovey love, I'm talking about the feeling they have value and are worth something. It's so tough to focus on our trials and forget what we have. I want God to use me to help people. Even if I cannot change their circumstances nor take away their pain nor profoundly change their lives, I just want them to know I care and know God cares. I want them to know that if they need a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent to or someone to just listen or someone to compliment them or give them advice that I'm willing. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, well, correction, I know I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I am an emotional person who desires deep relationships rooted in God's love with people. Christian or non-Christian, richer or poorer, I want to reach out to them. I'm not here to judge but to care. These are my wishes and desires.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Take a Look at Me Now
Ever feel old? Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see an old face, old eyes, and an old soul. I feel achy and stiff in the morning, and I just feel blah. Mornings are quite rough for me you could say.
People have told me, yeah, but you're so young. And I think to myself. You think? Really? I don't agree. I'll be 24 soon, and I feel like I haven't made much of a difference in this world. It's just I feel the need to grow a lot more and still wish I were different than how I am now.
Perhaps I will always have this view. While on a run tonight I had some weird feelings and thoughts. I thought about all the awful things that happen day in and day out, and for some reason I wished to be hit by a vehicle. Yeah, I know, not the greatest thing to hear, but I thought that.
You're probably thinking, 'wow, what's wrong with her?' Let me try to analyze my thought process.
I was feeling at a loss emotionally meaning pain. I had been crying before the run and by being in an accident it would cease the pain in a way. If I survived it would hopefully help me gain a new perspective on life and be more grateful for what I have. It's also a way to get attention and affection. Yes, this is actually how I think. It's like when you carry around these burdens, you almost explode. I mean, I need to find a healthy way to channel this inner turmoil that so incarcerates me.
I just wanted something to stop the pain. Something to stop this constant fight with how I interpret and cope with life.
People have situations that I couldn't imagine living through, yet here I am boggled down by MY life?! I have hope and dreams of reaching out to all sorts of people at all places, yet I'm the one holding myself back.
Lord, thank You for loving me. Thank You for creating me. Please grant me peace from these struggles. Please grant me a new perspective. Discipline me and mold me into what You need me to be. Break me and build me again and again. Help me to love You. Amen.
People have told me, yeah, but you're so young. And I think to myself. You think? Really? I don't agree. I'll be 24 soon, and I feel like I haven't made much of a difference in this world. It's just I feel the need to grow a lot more and still wish I were different than how I am now.
Perhaps I will always have this view. While on a run tonight I had some weird feelings and thoughts. I thought about all the awful things that happen day in and day out, and for some reason I wished to be hit by a vehicle. Yeah, I know, not the greatest thing to hear, but I thought that.
You're probably thinking, 'wow, what's wrong with her?' Let me try to analyze my thought process.
I was feeling at a loss emotionally meaning pain. I had been crying before the run and by being in an accident it would cease the pain in a way. If I survived it would hopefully help me gain a new perspective on life and be more grateful for what I have. It's also a way to get attention and affection. Yes, this is actually how I think. It's like when you carry around these burdens, you almost explode. I mean, I need to find a healthy way to channel this inner turmoil that so incarcerates me.
I just wanted something to stop the pain. Something to stop this constant fight with how I interpret and cope with life.
People have situations that I couldn't imagine living through, yet here I am boggled down by MY life?! I have hope and dreams of reaching out to all sorts of people at all places, yet I'm the one holding myself back.
Lord, thank You for loving me. Thank You for creating me. Please grant me peace from these struggles. Please grant me a new perspective. Discipline me and mold me into what You need me to be. Break me and build me again and again. Help me to love You. Amen.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Connections
Did you ever crave water? While in the midst of a run yesterday morning, my throat was dry and my body craved water to quench this thirst. My body perspired a decent amount, so my body needed to be restored.
Ever feel that way? Ever feel a craving for something, yet NOT have that desire satisfied?
I'm writing about this because I feel this each and everyday of my life. I'm not complaining. I'm simply expelling this from my heart.
There are society pressures to have this or that, and I wrap myself in this comparing/contrasting myself to society's "norms."
I confuse "wants" with "needs" a lot. I focus on what I don't have vs. what I have been blessed immensely with. It's like I(we) are programmed to disappointment.
Are these worldly things my god? Are people my idols? Is my job what I hope to be my reason for living or my ultimate defining thing that I do?
Wow, I am so lost. I have fallen so deep into this thinking that I have lost my focus. Where is God in all this? Why am I thinking what I'm thinking? Why am I doing what I'm doing?
I read some of that passage about denying yourself and taking up your cross. It's so true, and I have struggled with this over and over again. It came be summed up by my thinking...."I....I....I....I..." Instead of focusing on God. Why is God often left out of our lives? Because society is about "us" and "our" instead of focusing on what truly matters, what truly lasts. It's all about instant satisfaction vs. long-term, enternal rewards.
Bah, I'm so driven to focus on me. It's really nuts if you really sit down and think about it though. I mean it's everywhere! Billboards trying to sell you products making you focus on things you don't have or trying to convince you of one store being superior to another or a restaurant as satisfying your hunger. There was a Sheetz advertisement that I can't recall but I know it was for some type of drink perhaps a smoothie or coffee combo thinga ma jigger and it was sexual and rhymed. I think. It's like wow, sexual desires satisfied through a beverage? It's very true of beer. When does drinking a beer win you the love of your life? Whenever I've had guys come up to me at bars, it's been traumatizing. Definitely NOT a turn on whatsoever.
Anyways, what I mean to say is that I feel caught up in this thinking/wishing/wanting more than what I have. I need to be more focused on what God has done in my life and how I can submit to Him and allow Him to use me for His purpose. How can I glorify God with my life? How can I use each breath I am given to please God?
It often leaves me feeling defeated. I feel that I can never please God. It's very tough because I get down very easily and if something "goes wrong" in my eyes I have trouble getting back up. I need to humble myself and ask God for strength and forgiveness when I fall. When I make a mistake. When I can't find something at work and need to ask for help that I'm not stupid and worthless, but I'm a creation of God. He has provided for me and has continued to do so.
He loves me. When I can't see. He loves me. When I'm all alone. He loves me. When I cry inside because I don't want anyone to know how much pain I feel. He loves me. When I talk myself up like I have things together and am "successful" or doing fine in the journey of life. He loves me. Despite my wickness and evil thinking and harsh wishes upon others. HE LOVES ME. Jesus love me and no matter what lies I tell myself nor anyone/thing tells me....HE LOVES...that's right, even someone like..ME.....
Ever feel that way? Ever feel a craving for something, yet NOT have that desire satisfied?
I'm writing about this because I feel this each and everyday of my life. I'm not complaining. I'm simply expelling this from my heart.
There are society pressures to have this or that, and I wrap myself in this comparing/contrasting myself to society's "norms."
I confuse "wants" with "needs" a lot. I focus on what I don't have vs. what I have been blessed immensely with. It's like I(we) are programmed to disappointment.
Are these worldly things my god? Are people my idols? Is my job what I hope to be my reason for living or my ultimate defining thing that I do?
Wow, I am so lost. I have fallen so deep into this thinking that I have lost my focus. Where is God in all this? Why am I thinking what I'm thinking? Why am I doing what I'm doing?
I read some of that passage about denying yourself and taking up your cross. It's so true, and I have struggled with this over and over again. It came be summed up by my thinking...."I....I....I....I..." Instead of focusing on God. Why is God often left out of our lives? Because society is about "us" and "our" instead of focusing on what truly matters, what truly lasts. It's all about instant satisfaction vs. long-term, enternal rewards.
Bah, I'm so driven to focus on me. It's really nuts if you really sit down and think about it though. I mean it's everywhere! Billboards trying to sell you products making you focus on things you don't have or trying to convince you of one store being superior to another or a restaurant as satisfying your hunger. There was a Sheetz advertisement that I can't recall but I know it was for some type of drink perhaps a smoothie or coffee combo thinga ma jigger and it was sexual and rhymed. I think. It's like wow, sexual desires satisfied through a beverage? It's very true of beer. When does drinking a beer win you the love of your life? Whenever I've had guys come up to me at bars, it's been traumatizing. Definitely NOT a turn on whatsoever.
Anyways, what I mean to say is that I feel caught up in this thinking/wishing/wanting more than what I have. I need to be more focused on what God has done in my life and how I can submit to Him and allow Him to use me for His purpose. How can I glorify God with my life? How can I use each breath I am given to please God?
It often leaves me feeling defeated. I feel that I can never please God. It's very tough because I get down very easily and if something "goes wrong" in my eyes I have trouble getting back up. I need to humble myself and ask God for strength and forgiveness when I fall. When I make a mistake. When I can't find something at work and need to ask for help that I'm not stupid and worthless, but I'm a creation of God. He has provided for me and has continued to do so.
He loves me. When I can't see. He loves me. When I'm all alone. He loves me. When I cry inside because I don't want anyone to know how much pain I feel. He loves me. When I talk myself up like I have things together and am "successful" or doing fine in the journey of life. He loves me. Despite my wickness and evil thinking and harsh wishes upon others. HE LOVES ME. Jesus love me and no matter what lies I tell myself nor anyone/thing tells me....HE LOVES...that's right, even someone like..ME.....
Friday, September 17, 2010
Hold Me Close And Forever
Today was pretty good thus far. I had trouble falling asleep last night. I kept tossing and turning, but once I finally settled down and concked out, it was splendid.
I had some interesting dreams. And yes, I do recall them! Yay :-) Here goes:
So I dreamt I was journeying somewhere and it required me crossing this wooden bridge. Below the bridge was a river. It was pretty high up, so it was not the most comfortable thing for me. Especially because it wasn't that sturdy. We had a term "wiggly bridge" for the ones that shook at playgrounds. Anyways, so I'm crossing this bridge and it started to fall apart while I'm attempting to cross it. I'm faced with a decision, keep going on this bridge that's falling apart before my eyes and attempt to still manage to cross it to safety, or just say screw it and jump into the river not knowing how deep it is whether I would survive it or not. It wasn't the greatest situation. I decided to keep pushing forward on the bridge. To my luck, I ended up falling into the river. It was deep enough to sustain me, so I was left with swimming to the shore, but the shore looked further away than it did while ontop of the bridge. My dream ended with me on my way swimming to shore.
I actually woke up laughing during this dream. We'll dub this guy the name John. So John and I are in a room in this building and someone turns on the radio. John and I end up dancing like silly children to this disco song. It's so much fun though. He's laughing and smiling and enjoying himself while busting all these moves. I just remember it all being so natural this ah dancing and such. As I stated earlier, I woke up due to my laughter.
The next dream was summer college at Bloom, but its appearances was like an older style of buildings. The buildings were gray and there was hardly any grass, mainly sidewalks. There was this pond like an inground swimming pool outside of one of the buildings. I saw John from a distance and debated whether I should run to catch up to him and say hi or whether I shouldn't bother. I chose to take a chance. I shoved my way through the crowd and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around and we instantly had smiles on our faces :-) I was nervous how he'd react, but he was all smiles and loudly said, "Hey Kelly!" and I replied "Hey John!" and he lifted me up and spun me around and we hugged and I closed my eyes and embraced it. He said we'd have to catch up but he had class to go to. And then he vanished back into the crowd. I forgot where I was and what I was doing after he left. Then I remembered that I had to go to work which was somehow in a building nearby.
While at work, I was completely overwhelmed. I was behind on getting my vital signs and I forgot which patients were mine and how the rooms were organized. Then I wasn't fully dressed. I was missing my top and kept searching the bathroom for it, but couldn't find it. I decided to chug a cup of hot chocolate and take a dip in the pond instead of getting my work done. So I'm skinny dipping in this pond and someone asks me what I'm doing and I said I'm on my 15min break. However, the 15min break was like 2hrs. I ended up going back to work and thought I'd be fired. No one even noticed I was gone. The nurses picked up my slack and I thought things were all fine. Then this one manly looking nurse came up to me and asked why I didn't chart on her patients and I began to freak out. I told her some bs like I was having diarrhea and I asked some other girl to get them for me since I wasn't feeling well. She gave me an evil eye and snickered and then left me alone.
I left work and sat outside the building where John had class. While sitting on the steps of the building, I heard rumbling. Up, here we go, they're dismissed from class. I stood up and moved to the side. There he was. We went and sat on a bench. He moved closer to me and put his arm around me and the other held my face to look at his. He looked into my eyes and said, "Kelly, I love you and I need to be with you." He started crying as did I and we sat there on the bench holding each other. It was so beautiful. Then, the dream ended.
I woke up with pain and I thought I was just hungry so I ate something. Then it lingered and that pain was due to my womanly cycle. It's good because I got it without being on medication to prompt it. The cramps are now under control, so that's good too. Anyways, that's all for now.
I had some interesting dreams. And yes, I do recall them! Yay :-) Here goes:
So I dreamt I was journeying somewhere and it required me crossing this wooden bridge. Below the bridge was a river. It was pretty high up, so it was not the most comfortable thing for me. Especially because it wasn't that sturdy. We had a term "wiggly bridge" for the ones that shook at playgrounds. Anyways, so I'm crossing this bridge and it started to fall apart while I'm attempting to cross it. I'm faced with a decision, keep going on this bridge that's falling apart before my eyes and attempt to still manage to cross it to safety, or just say screw it and jump into the river not knowing how deep it is whether I would survive it or not. It wasn't the greatest situation. I decided to keep pushing forward on the bridge. To my luck, I ended up falling into the river. It was deep enough to sustain me, so I was left with swimming to the shore, but the shore looked further away than it did while ontop of the bridge. My dream ended with me on my way swimming to shore.
I actually woke up laughing during this dream. We'll dub this guy the name John. So John and I are in a room in this building and someone turns on the radio. John and I end up dancing like silly children to this disco song. It's so much fun though. He's laughing and smiling and enjoying himself while busting all these moves. I just remember it all being so natural this ah dancing and such. As I stated earlier, I woke up due to my laughter.
The next dream was summer college at Bloom, but its appearances was like an older style of buildings. The buildings were gray and there was hardly any grass, mainly sidewalks. There was this pond like an inground swimming pool outside of one of the buildings. I saw John from a distance and debated whether I should run to catch up to him and say hi or whether I shouldn't bother. I chose to take a chance. I shoved my way through the crowd and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around and we instantly had smiles on our faces :-) I was nervous how he'd react, but he was all smiles and loudly said, "Hey Kelly!" and I replied "Hey John!" and he lifted me up and spun me around and we hugged and I closed my eyes and embraced it. He said we'd have to catch up but he had class to go to. And then he vanished back into the crowd. I forgot where I was and what I was doing after he left. Then I remembered that I had to go to work which was somehow in a building nearby.
While at work, I was completely overwhelmed. I was behind on getting my vital signs and I forgot which patients were mine and how the rooms were organized. Then I wasn't fully dressed. I was missing my top and kept searching the bathroom for it, but couldn't find it. I decided to chug a cup of hot chocolate and take a dip in the pond instead of getting my work done. So I'm skinny dipping in this pond and someone asks me what I'm doing and I said I'm on my 15min break. However, the 15min break was like 2hrs. I ended up going back to work and thought I'd be fired. No one even noticed I was gone. The nurses picked up my slack and I thought things were all fine. Then this one manly looking nurse came up to me and asked why I didn't chart on her patients and I began to freak out. I told her some bs like I was having diarrhea and I asked some other girl to get them for me since I wasn't feeling well. She gave me an evil eye and snickered and then left me alone.
I left work and sat outside the building where John had class. While sitting on the steps of the building, I heard rumbling. Up, here we go, they're dismissed from class. I stood up and moved to the side. There he was. We went and sat on a bench. He moved closer to me and put his arm around me and the other held my face to look at his. He looked into my eyes and said, "Kelly, I love you and I need to be with you." He started crying as did I and we sat there on the bench holding each other. It was so beautiful. Then, the dream ended.
I woke up with pain and I thought I was just hungry so I ate something. Then it lingered and that pain was due to my womanly cycle. It's good because I got it without being on medication to prompt it. The cramps are now under control, so that's good too. Anyways, that's all for now.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Whispers in the Wind
Something has been on my mind lately. I've dealt with some strange things at work, but it directed my focus onto something. And it's awesome. God loves us despite our conditions. He still loves us. We're so used to conditional love, yet God's love is unconditional.
This is a prayer, poem etc.
I stand ontop of the highest mountain, spread my wings, and hope to gracefully soar the sky.
The beauty of the sky fascinates me.
The wind beneath my wings is mighty.
I breathe this refreshing moment in.
Yet in an instant, I hear a shot, I am pierced.
I gulp.
Suddenly I'm plumetting.
The sand and stones carve deep scratches into my body.
I am broken.
I'm all alone.
You run to me.
You've witnessed it all.
You pick me up into your warm body.
You hold me close as if you'll never let go.
You carry me.
You wipe away the tears, the pain, the sorrow, my guilt.
Your kiss is like an angel of mercy.
Your eyes tell it all. No words are necessary.
You rescue me and love me through it all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Gvm1o6OAoY
This is a prayer, poem etc.
I stand ontop of the highest mountain, spread my wings, and hope to gracefully soar the sky.
The beauty of the sky fascinates me.
The wind beneath my wings is mighty.
I breathe this refreshing moment in.
Yet in an instant, I hear a shot, I am pierced.
I gulp.
Suddenly I'm plumetting.
The sand and stones carve deep scratches into my body.
I am broken.
I'm all alone.
You run to me.
You've witnessed it all.
You pick me up into your warm body.
You hold me close as if you'll never let go.
You carry me.
You wipe away the tears, the pain, the sorrow, my guilt.
Your kiss is like an angel of mercy.
Your eyes tell it all. No words are necessary.
You rescue me and love me through it all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Gvm1o6OAoY
Sunday, September 12, 2010
I am colorblind
This is the title of the song I'm currently listening to. It's the Counting Crows version. A different version played on my pandora account, so I decided to listen to this version in addition. I think it's a very deep song, so I enjoy it.
When I listen to it, I am not taking it too literally about one feeling limited/slighted due to skin color. I'm taking it on the level of feeling that you yourself are limiting yourself.
I got a book out of Shiloh's library today called Being Single and Satisfied I believe it was titled. Anyways, it started out by saying it's tough to be single because you feel like you want someone in your life like a mate. We have this desire to marry and be in a relationship with someone.
Anyways, it really gripped me from the start because it spoke about how sacred sex is and this hit my core. My heart instantly shattered into pieces and the tears ran down my cheeks. I needed to cry though. I needed to let go. God knows this. God knows the guilt and shame and frustration I have with this specific topic. I'm getting teary eyed just typing this.
Okay, so, while reading this it said how special and holy this act is and how it's meant for a man and woman who are married. I understand that. It cited some scriptures that back up this idea.
I grabbed the book, so I won't be paraphrasing.
Here are a few ah, parts of the book:
1 Corinthians 6:16-18 "Or do you not know that the one who joins himself with a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, "'The two shall become one flesh" Paul says that a unique spiritual union is created by the sex act, even when it is done as an act of immorality between two people who have no intention of forming a lasting relationship.
"Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body" 1 Corinthians 6:18
19-20 "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price; therefore, glorify God in your body."
Judging from Paul's message in 1 Corinthians, he was writing to a lot of people who had been immoral. No matter what they had done, Paul wrote, "But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ" 1 Corinthians 6:11
You see, when God saved you, He made you a diamond. If I rub a diamond in the dirt, what I have is a dirty diamond that has lost none of its intrinsic value. It just needs to be cleansed and restored to its original luster.
I prayed and confessed my immorality to the Lord tonight. I don't deserve His grace or love. I don't deserve anything. Now, I'm teary eyed again. His love is so astounding. How could HE possibly love ME? HOW? WHY?
Because He's the Lord. He's our King. He's our Savior. Our EVERYTHING.
Lord, here's my prayer: Psalm 51:2 Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
Here's my heart. It's not much, but it's all I have.
When I listen to it, I am not taking it too literally about one feeling limited/slighted due to skin color. I'm taking it on the level of feeling that you yourself are limiting yourself.
I got a book out of Shiloh's library today called Being Single and Satisfied I believe it was titled. Anyways, it started out by saying it's tough to be single because you feel like you want someone in your life like a mate. We have this desire to marry and be in a relationship with someone.
Anyways, it really gripped me from the start because it spoke about how sacred sex is and this hit my core. My heart instantly shattered into pieces and the tears ran down my cheeks. I needed to cry though. I needed to let go. God knows this. God knows the guilt and shame and frustration I have with this specific topic. I'm getting teary eyed just typing this.
Okay, so, while reading this it said how special and holy this act is and how it's meant for a man and woman who are married. I understand that. It cited some scriptures that back up this idea.
I grabbed the book, so I won't be paraphrasing.
Here are a few ah, parts of the book:
1 Corinthians 6:16-18 "Or do you not know that the one who joins himself with a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, "'The two shall become one flesh" Paul says that a unique spiritual union is created by the sex act, even when it is done as an act of immorality between two people who have no intention of forming a lasting relationship.
"Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body" 1 Corinthians 6:18
19-20 "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price; therefore, glorify God in your body."
Judging from Paul's message in 1 Corinthians, he was writing to a lot of people who had been immoral. No matter what they had done, Paul wrote, "But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ" 1 Corinthians 6:11
You see, when God saved you, He made you a diamond. If I rub a diamond in the dirt, what I have is a dirty diamond that has lost none of its intrinsic value. It just needs to be cleansed and restored to its original luster.
I prayed and confessed my immorality to the Lord tonight. I don't deserve His grace or love. I don't deserve anything. Now, I'm teary eyed again. His love is so astounding. How could HE possibly love ME? HOW? WHY?
Because He's the Lord. He's our King. He's our Savior. Our EVERYTHING.
Lord, here's my prayer: Psalm 51:2 Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
Here's my heart. It's not much, but it's all I have.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Strange Dream
So get this, I slept well last night! Yee Haw! Anyways, I had quite a strange dream. I dreamt that I was at work and the patient was complaining of having a vistor. She explained that a squirrel was wrestling around beneath her bed. I stoop down, and lo and behold lies a squirrel. Dead. Blood and guts oozing out of the fella. I'm like ooohhh my. Hah. I grab a plastic bag and gloves and scoop him into the bag. Then I bring him out to the nurses' station and ask the charge nurse what I should do with him. She tells me to throw him away at this particular location and when I do something happens. The bag fills with blood and resembles a red balloon. That was one segment of my dream.
The other is more vague in my head. What I remember was I was laughing with the guy I like. Dang. That's all I can remember. Ugh. Oh well. At least I remembered some of this dream.
Well, working on Labor Day required quite the labor. I'm being serious. It was the most hectic day I've had in a while. Today went well. Anyways, I'm going to head into town for some errands. This stupid sinus infection is lingering, so I'm going to pick up the Flonase from Rite Aid. I'll be going to the library and grocery store as well. Fun fun. There are some verses mentioned in the book I'm reading that I wanted to list, but I'll do it sometime later.
Happy 26th Birthday to my one and only....sister that is:-)
The other is more vague in my head. What I remember was I was laughing with the guy I like. Dang. That's all I can remember. Ugh. Oh well. At least I remembered some of this dream.
Well, working on Labor Day required quite the labor. I'm being serious. It was the most hectic day I've had in a while. Today went well. Anyways, I'm going to head into town for some errands. This stupid sinus infection is lingering, so I'm going to pick up the Flonase from Rite Aid. I'll be going to the library and grocery store as well. Fun fun. There are some verses mentioned in the book I'm reading that I wanted to list, but I'll do it sometime later.
Happy 26th Birthday to my one and only....sister that is:-)
Monday, September 6, 2010
Look at these Hands
So today was Labor Day, and ofcourse I worked ha ha. It was a very hectic day, and I felt kinda overwhelmed, but I had helpful people down my hall who assisted me with a bunch of stuff. I just easily get stressed out and worried when there's a lot to do in little time and call bells are going off and it's like your head is spinning.
I'm making progress on my book, I Love You but Why Are We So Different: Making the Differences Work for You by Tim LaHaye. I checked it out from Shiloh's library. I was browsing books when Heather stated its title and for some reason it interested me. Basically because I want to know how to work things out not limited to romantic relationships but relationships in general whether it be friends, family, coworkers, strangers etc. This book is really good. It describes the different temperaments and uses various examples to illustrate them as well as biblical insights. It helps to understand how we are "geared" so to speak and how to manage our tendencies and understand others.
It's made me realize, not that I didn't know it before, how entirely selfish I am. As I'm typing this, I am thinking about what I want to happen in my life and not what God wants. Maybe I'll name a few on the list. I want a good night's sleep. I want to have a guy in my life. I have my heart set on someone, but you know how that goes. Me and my luck. Ah, I want to be done nursing school and have a worthwhile job. I want to look different. I want more motivation in general. The list could go on and on.
Something that the book mentioned is that Melancholies, which is what I have identified myself as temperament wise, tend to be kind when they feel like it. Meaning, only when I feel like it will I be kind. I am so focused on myself most of the time that I forget the needs of others. This limits my ability to let God use me for His purpose. If that makes sense. Instead of reaching out to others as I love doing, it's limited to my feelings. I often do this too. If I'm upset about something, I will not reach out to others. I will simply "hide" and wallow in my misery. How does that solve anything? I know that if I push myself to not shut down that I can get out of the funk, but I often just give up and settle. It's the same for sin. I have such a horrible attitude, but I continue sinning while ignoring the repetition. I'll be on the phone with my mom and get stirred by something she says and I will be a complete smart aleck and treat her poorly due to my strong anger.
This books discusses anger and fear and how they hold us back and disrupt our lives. If we learn to go to God, confessing our sins, and asking for forgiveness and the Holy Spirit to dwell in us and help us in our weakness.
These feelings are not in and of themselves bad, it's just how strong we feel them and how the ah impact our lives and affect how we treat others.
My sister turns 26 tomorrow; under an hour really. I am not sure what time of day she was born. I know she weighed 7lbs or so and had to be in an incubator. Her first day of school is on her birthday, so that's kinda funny. She celebrated with my parents tonight vs. tomorrow 'cuz it'll be hectic with the first day of school for her.
I am working tomorrow 4hrs in the one-on-one patient assignment, so I suppose I should get some sleep. Good night.
I'm making progress on my book, I Love You but Why Are We So Different: Making the Differences Work for You by Tim LaHaye. I checked it out from Shiloh's library. I was browsing books when Heather stated its title and for some reason it interested me. Basically because I want to know how to work things out not limited to romantic relationships but relationships in general whether it be friends, family, coworkers, strangers etc. This book is really good. It describes the different temperaments and uses various examples to illustrate them as well as biblical insights. It helps to understand how we are "geared" so to speak and how to manage our tendencies and understand others.
It's made me realize, not that I didn't know it before, how entirely selfish I am. As I'm typing this, I am thinking about what I want to happen in my life and not what God wants. Maybe I'll name a few on the list. I want a good night's sleep. I want to have a guy in my life. I have my heart set on someone, but you know how that goes. Me and my luck. Ah, I want to be done nursing school and have a worthwhile job. I want to look different. I want more motivation in general. The list could go on and on.
Something that the book mentioned is that Melancholies, which is what I have identified myself as temperament wise, tend to be kind when they feel like it. Meaning, only when I feel like it will I be kind. I am so focused on myself most of the time that I forget the needs of others. This limits my ability to let God use me for His purpose. If that makes sense. Instead of reaching out to others as I love doing, it's limited to my feelings. I often do this too. If I'm upset about something, I will not reach out to others. I will simply "hide" and wallow in my misery. How does that solve anything? I know that if I push myself to not shut down that I can get out of the funk, but I often just give up and settle. It's the same for sin. I have such a horrible attitude, but I continue sinning while ignoring the repetition. I'll be on the phone with my mom and get stirred by something she says and I will be a complete smart aleck and treat her poorly due to my strong anger.
This books discusses anger and fear and how they hold us back and disrupt our lives. If we learn to go to God, confessing our sins, and asking for forgiveness and the Holy Spirit to dwell in us and help us in our weakness.
These feelings are not in and of themselves bad, it's just how strong we feel them and how the ah impact our lives and affect how we treat others.
My sister turns 26 tomorrow; under an hour really. I am not sure what time of day she was born. I know she weighed 7lbs or so and had to be in an incubator. Her first day of school is on her birthday, so that's kinda funny. She celebrated with my parents tonight vs. tomorrow 'cuz it'll be hectic with the first day of school for her.
I am working tomorrow 4hrs in the one-on-one patient assignment, so I suppose I should get some sleep. Good night.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
I'm sober enough to know blood when I see it
If I had a gun, there's be lots of dead cats.
I would love to take a roadtrip with a loved one. Absolutely no destination. Just to get away and enjoy each other's presence and the beauty in which surrounds us.
If I could turn back time, I simply wouldn't. I would still make mistakes, so what would the point be? I'm trying to grow from my past, and not let it ruin my future. Yes, I struggle with issues of my past, but it's a process. I think your past, present, and future are all a part of you, the impact of them depends on your attitude and soul.
I wish I could sing like an angel.
I wish I could restore broken souls with my smile and open arms.
I wish I could juggle and make balloon animals. Dang, I wanna be a clown. Maybe just for an hour, just so I could see the glow of children's faces.
I wanna write a book about my life and I want to be a motivational speaker. Hah. It might surprise you, but it's true.
I wanna share my testimoy with a congregation or youth group or something. When I say testimony, I more or less mean some deep struggles I've had in my life and how God has been there and helped me through. I feel that God has given me a well powerful story. Not that it's wonderful or anything to be proud of, but I believe that if I share about my life that somehow it could help someone else out or perhaps save someone's life. It's not about me, but about the power God has to rescue us from the pit of sin and shadow of doom.
I lost track of where I was going with this post.
I wanna sleep outside sharing a sleeping bag with someone. Well, two sleeping bags...one on the ground one for coverage.
I wanna watch the sunset with someone. Get lost hiking. Just getting lost in general is rather fun. I mean when you have no deadlines and obligations ya know.
I wanna go to try on ridiculous outfits and take pictures of them and write funny captions.
I wanna make a music video. Not the typical lipsinging type deal. I want to have the song and do like a ah drama. Have different nature scenes tell a story. I could perhaps lip some of the lyrics, but that wouldn't be the focus of what I have in mind. I wanna tell a story of some sort and have it be really moving.
I'm tired. Working on Labor Day. Fun fun. zzzzzzzzzz Hopefully.
I would love to take a roadtrip with a loved one. Absolutely no destination. Just to get away and enjoy each other's presence and the beauty in which surrounds us.
If I could turn back time, I simply wouldn't. I would still make mistakes, so what would the point be? I'm trying to grow from my past, and not let it ruin my future. Yes, I struggle with issues of my past, but it's a process. I think your past, present, and future are all a part of you, the impact of them depends on your attitude and soul.
I wish I could sing like an angel.
I wish I could restore broken souls with my smile and open arms.
I wish I could juggle and make balloon animals. Dang, I wanna be a clown. Maybe just for an hour, just so I could see the glow of children's faces.
I wanna write a book about my life and I want to be a motivational speaker. Hah. It might surprise you, but it's true.
I wanna share my testimoy with a congregation or youth group or something. When I say testimony, I more or less mean some deep struggles I've had in my life and how God has been there and helped me through. I feel that God has given me a well powerful story. Not that it's wonderful or anything to be proud of, but I believe that if I share about my life that somehow it could help someone else out or perhaps save someone's life. It's not about me, but about the power God has to rescue us from the pit of sin and shadow of doom.
I lost track of where I was going with this post.
I wanna sleep outside sharing a sleeping bag with someone. Well, two sleeping bags...one on the ground one for coverage.
I wanna watch the sunset with someone. Get lost hiking. Just getting lost in general is rather fun. I mean when you have no deadlines and obligations ya know.
I wanna go to try on ridiculous outfits and take pictures of them and write funny captions.
I wanna make a music video. Not the typical lipsinging type deal. I want to have the song and do like a ah drama. Have different nature scenes tell a story. I could perhaps lip some of the lyrics, but that wouldn't be the focus of what I have in mind. I wanna tell a story of some sort and have it be really moving.
I'm tired. Working on Labor Day. Fun fun. zzzzzzzzzz Hopefully.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
So, I was just reading my book, and it discussed fear. It used various examples of the extent in which fear can paralyze you or inhibit your abilities to serve God. One example was a woman who refused to have people over because she viewed her house as not tidy enough. She used this excuse in order to stay in her comfort zone.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not pointing the finger. I'm simply stating an example from the book. I am equally at fault as well. I can think of several examples, but don't care to venture too much into them. One example is that I avoid talking to certain people because I fear they'll ask me a question and I'll get upset and start crying in front of them. How ridiculous is that? Well, it's true. I've done this everywhere really. Family gatherings, church, school, work, etc. It is restricting my relationships with these people. How can we build each other up in the faith when I don't even get the courage to talk to them and be open with them?
Anyways, the author suggested that fear can be overcome by the Holy Spirit. And he admitted that this doesn't happen overnight, or nearly as soon as one might wish. We are sinful and we often resort to our habits despite them being destructive ones...sinful ones. I take it like an addiction. Your entire being can be renewed by the Holy Spirit. You can quench fear through the Holy Spirit. The author suggests that when you fail to address it by confessing your sin to the Lord and then praying for the Holy Spirit to keep you and help you change. I think that's awesome.
Anyways, I hold myself back due to fear in waaaay too many situations. One in particular is reaching out to strangers. There was a woman this past week at Sal Val dropping off items from her packed vehicle and the thought went through my head of assisting her or at least asking if she needed help, but then I was selfish and thought to myself...if she loaded up the vehicle and drove here by herself, I guess she figures she can handle it all. Even if she dismissed my gesture to assist her, it would have been a nice offer and at least acknowledge that I cared. Instead I went along my merry way and stayed in my comfort zone. You can tell it bothered me because I can still think of the details of the situation and still feel that way.
If God was willing to come to earth and die for our sins, why am I THAT selfish that I can't ask someone if they need help? It is really ridiculous, yet day in and day out I and you, we carry on like this. We are selfish, meaning, we inappropriately put our wants before the needs of others. I'm trying to get better at knowing, at least knowing, what my wants vs. needs are. I'm trying to understand the difference and get better at my thinking and priorities.
Anyways, I have a headache now and have a long work day ahead of me tomorrow. Hopefully I'll sleep better than last night. Nighty night.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not pointing the finger. I'm simply stating an example from the book. I am equally at fault as well. I can think of several examples, but don't care to venture too much into them. One example is that I avoid talking to certain people because I fear they'll ask me a question and I'll get upset and start crying in front of them. How ridiculous is that? Well, it's true. I've done this everywhere really. Family gatherings, church, school, work, etc. It is restricting my relationships with these people. How can we build each other up in the faith when I don't even get the courage to talk to them and be open with them?
Anyways, the author suggested that fear can be overcome by the Holy Spirit. And he admitted that this doesn't happen overnight, or nearly as soon as one might wish. We are sinful and we often resort to our habits despite them being destructive ones...sinful ones. I take it like an addiction. Your entire being can be renewed by the Holy Spirit. You can quench fear through the Holy Spirit. The author suggests that when you fail to address it by confessing your sin to the Lord and then praying for the Holy Spirit to keep you and help you change. I think that's awesome.
Anyways, I hold myself back due to fear in waaaay too many situations. One in particular is reaching out to strangers. There was a woman this past week at Sal Val dropping off items from her packed vehicle and the thought went through my head of assisting her or at least asking if she needed help, but then I was selfish and thought to myself...if she loaded up the vehicle and drove here by herself, I guess she figures she can handle it all. Even if she dismissed my gesture to assist her, it would have been a nice offer and at least acknowledge that I cared. Instead I went along my merry way and stayed in my comfort zone. You can tell it bothered me because I can still think of the details of the situation and still feel that way.
If God was willing to come to earth and die for our sins, why am I THAT selfish that I can't ask someone if they need help? It is really ridiculous, yet day in and day out I and you, we carry on like this. We are selfish, meaning, we inappropriately put our wants before the needs of others. I'm trying to get better at knowing, at least knowing, what my wants vs. needs are. I'm trying to understand the difference and get better at my thinking and priorities.
Anyways, I have a headache now and have a long work day ahead of me tomorrow. Hopefully I'll sleep better than last night. Nighty night.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Gasp for Air
2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
I read this in my book today I think it was. It hit home. I started reflecting up on my life and I became depressed. I haven't cried much lately because I lack the energy to. I think I ran out of tears and the sinus infection doesn't help either.
I've realized a few things. Or at least have reconfirmed a few things.
1) I lack motivation. 2) I'm emotionally unstable. 3) I need to have a relationship with God.
I shall explain as much as I can.
First off, yes, I lack motivation and am inspired by others. When someone else is around I'm more motivated to do things. When I talk to people, I'm more motivated to do things. When I'm alone or not interacting with anyone, I tend to shut down. I tend to think about things in a negative light. It's like my batteries run low and I turn into molasses. I'm not saying I'm a total bum or anything, but I have this need to interact with people and when I do I gain motivation. I feel a lot better after conversing with people. But it doesn't last for that long. I sound childish but I'm just getting this out there. Don't get me wrong I don't want to talk 24/7, but I do like being acknowledged in a comforting way. I don't need to be the center of atention, but I do need attention. When I work, I like doing my own thing, but I do like updating people and them updating me. I like sharing about my life and vice versa. One of my favorite things is when patients open up to me about their lives. So, I gain motivation from connecting with people. For better or for worse this is something I have noticed about myself.
2) I'm emotionally unstable meaning I'm very sensitive to occurrences during the day and such. I overanalyze and worry and make things out to be something they're often not. I judge people strongly and I put myself down very easily. God created me to worship and live for Him. And here I am wasting my time worrying it all away. God is love and I am to share and embrace that love. I should live a life of love. I know I have this desire to connect with people, yet I can't over-react and let my sensitivity get the best of me. It can be a blessing but it can be a curse. If I learn to manage it though, I see a lot of potential for God to use me to help comfort people. Managing oneself meaning self-discipline comes through the Holy Spirit. Giving my weaknesses to God to strengthen and yes it takes effort. Faith without works is dead.
3) I need to love God more than anyone/anything else. I strive for approval of others, yet why do their eyes matter more than God's? God needs to be who and what I'm living for. It all falls under God. I need to look at life as an opportunity vs. a loss. I need to fall in love with God instead of idolizing men. Right now I am convinced I'm meant to be with someone, but that's not how I should be living. I shouldn't be living wishing I was with someone. I should let it happen if it will and trust God. Seek God's direction and focus on Him.
I have a long day ahead of me so hopefully I shall pass out. I'm going to attempt sleeping upright, so this shall be interesting. I move home on my birthday. I forget if I mentioned that. Moving home is good and bad, so it is what it is.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzz hopefully zzzzzzzzzzz
I read this in my book today I think it was. It hit home. I started reflecting up on my life and I became depressed. I haven't cried much lately because I lack the energy to. I think I ran out of tears and the sinus infection doesn't help either.
I've realized a few things. Or at least have reconfirmed a few things.
1) I lack motivation. 2) I'm emotionally unstable. 3) I need to have a relationship with God.
I shall explain as much as I can.
First off, yes, I lack motivation and am inspired by others. When someone else is around I'm more motivated to do things. When I talk to people, I'm more motivated to do things. When I'm alone or not interacting with anyone, I tend to shut down. I tend to think about things in a negative light. It's like my batteries run low and I turn into molasses. I'm not saying I'm a total bum or anything, but I have this need to interact with people and when I do I gain motivation. I feel a lot better after conversing with people. But it doesn't last for that long. I sound childish but I'm just getting this out there. Don't get me wrong I don't want to talk 24/7, but I do like being acknowledged in a comforting way. I don't need to be the center of atention, but I do need attention. When I work, I like doing my own thing, but I do like updating people and them updating me. I like sharing about my life and vice versa. One of my favorite things is when patients open up to me about their lives. So, I gain motivation from connecting with people. For better or for worse this is something I have noticed about myself.
2) I'm emotionally unstable meaning I'm very sensitive to occurrences during the day and such. I overanalyze and worry and make things out to be something they're often not. I judge people strongly and I put myself down very easily. God created me to worship and live for Him. And here I am wasting my time worrying it all away. God is love and I am to share and embrace that love. I should live a life of love. I know I have this desire to connect with people, yet I can't over-react and let my sensitivity get the best of me. It can be a blessing but it can be a curse. If I learn to manage it though, I see a lot of potential for God to use me to help comfort people. Managing oneself meaning self-discipline comes through the Holy Spirit. Giving my weaknesses to God to strengthen and yes it takes effort. Faith without works is dead.
3) I need to love God more than anyone/anything else. I strive for approval of others, yet why do their eyes matter more than God's? God needs to be who and what I'm living for. It all falls under God. I need to look at life as an opportunity vs. a loss. I need to fall in love with God instead of idolizing men. Right now I am convinced I'm meant to be with someone, but that's not how I should be living. I shouldn't be living wishing I was with someone. I should let it happen if it will and trust God. Seek God's direction and focus on Him.
I have a long day ahead of me so hopefully I shall pass out. I'm going to attempt sleeping upright, so this shall be interesting. I move home on my birthday. I forget if I mentioned that. Moving home is good and bad, so it is what it is.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzz hopefully zzzzzzzzzzz
It is a Day
So today I went to the Doctor, and he prescribed me Amoxicillin for my sinus infection. One pill three times a day for 10 days. If I don't feel better by then, he wrote a refill on that prescription, but I'm in high spirits that'll simmer down by then. He also wrote me a prescription for Flonas, which his a nasal spray, and he said I could use that as well if I needed it. I'm waiting on this first 10 days and seeing how I feel and what I want to do. I went to Rite Aid and they were busy. I was kinda annoyed because no one greeted me or acknowledged me for I would say 10 minutes. Having been a cashier myself, I felt that was poor customer service. Even if you're in the middle of something, just acknowledge that you see a potential customer with, "We'll be right with you Miss" or "We'll be with you in a couple minutes Ma'am" or whatever they're taught to say. I got one of those tell us about our service on the receipt and I'm going to give a poor rating. It's not because I'm outraged or anything, it's just I want them to improve their customer service skills. All in all, I got my meds and am glad I did. They were both ready when I went to pick them up, and I got what I needed.
I got a movie from the library. It's called, "Fatal Addicton" and it's Ted Bundy's final interview, conducted by Dr. James Dobson, before his death in the electric chair. He was a serial killer and it says he murdered over two dozen young women and widely believed to have killed more! I'm very interested to all this has in it. I find people fascinating, but I want to understand and not judge him all too soon, I mean yeah murdering all those women is horrible, but I want to forget that for a minute and see beyond that and see him. This ah digs into his childhood and his life and that's what I'm all about. Trying to understand people where they're coming from and where they're going and gain an understanding. Not that everything will make sense or that I'll agree with things how they live or what they're doing or what they believe, but I love learning about people for better for worse so to speak. I'm not perfect nor is anyone, so why shun someone? Jesus didn't shun people, he ate with sinners, so I think we're called to keep their company just not be ah persuaded to be corrupted or to corrupt others so to speak.
I think I'm going to head outside and read my book now. It's awfully hot, so I might sit in the shade like I did earlier. I plan on going on one last walk today and then watch my movie at some point and hopefully sleep better than I did last night.
Okay Amoxicillin, work your magic! :-)
I got a movie from the library. It's called, "Fatal Addicton" and it's Ted Bundy's final interview, conducted by Dr. James Dobson, before his death in the electric chair. He was a serial killer and it says he murdered over two dozen young women and widely believed to have killed more! I'm very interested to all this has in it. I find people fascinating, but I want to understand and not judge him all too soon, I mean yeah murdering all those women is horrible, but I want to forget that for a minute and see beyond that and see him. This ah digs into his childhood and his life and that's what I'm all about. Trying to understand people where they're coming from and where they're going and gain an understanding. Not that everything will make sense or that I'll agree with things how they live or what they're doing or what they believe, but I love learning about people for better for worse so to speak. I'm not perfect nor is anyone, so why shun someone? Jesus didn't shun people, he ate with sinners, so I think we're called to keep their company just not be ah persuaded to be corrupted or to corrupt others so to speak.
I think I'm going to head outside and read my book now. It's awfully hot, so I might sit in the shade like I did earlier. I plan on going on one last walk today and then watch my movie at some point and hopefully sleep better than I did last night.
Okay Amoxicillin, work your magic! :-)
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Face to Face
Where is she? What did you do with her? I miss her. I need her.
Identity crisis. I believe I'm back at my teen years; the search for oneself. I'm not sure it's all that it sounds like though. I don't think we ever truly find ourselves, but that we are more whole at certain times than others. We have more knowledge about ourselves at different stages.
In times I have felt I had my life figured out, just to have it explode into pieces. And reacting the way I do to stress, it takes its toll. Despite the years of therapy/counseling and medication, I flat out suck with dealing with life stresses.
The little things bother me and preoccupy me. I get frustrated yet do nothing to resolve issues. Someone said something tonight that upset me, yet did I do anything to protect/defend myself? No. Nothing. How will anyone get a clue that it hurts me if I don't express my feelings? I guess I'm scared of how they'll react, which probably doesn't make any sense.
I'm going to ramble off some of these ah bothersome things jsut for the heck of it and if somehow someone get offended, oh well. Patients have been asking me if I'm married and if I have any children. First off, I should take that as a compliment, but then I overanalyze and worry that I look older. I mean going from one patient thinking I'm 16 to another asking if I'm married seems somewhat extreme. Secondly, I feel that I will never marry because I honestly don't think any guy is out there who can ah handle me so to speak. I consider myself rather needy not like materialistic but emotionally I need lots of reassurance, attention, communication, and appreciation. I need to be held and given affection. A smile goes a long way for me. Calling me a cute lovey dovey name in a sincere admirable loving way goes a long way too. Anyways, then I don't want kids, so whenever children come up I get ah ancy you could say. I'll be the reliever meaning I'll babysit other people's children, but I don't want any myself.
You can call me whatever you want, but if I'm lucky enough to find some crazy guy who would wanna spend the rest of his life with me, I do not want children. Not one. Maybe I'll explain some other time when I'm in the mood.
While leaving for the night, a co-worker thanked the staff for a good night in contrast to her other night at work that was horrific. I thought about this, and it made me think of life and how I react to things. Instead of thinking I can handle whatever comes my way it's kinda like the opposite. It's like panic mode. I think, Okay this is happening...what am I going to do now? Oh, I can't handle this. Let me run away. To put it another way, I need to learn to grow some balls. Sorry, I can't keep this entry entirely serious.
I love having old people as patients because I just learn so much from them. This one I remember told me that she was content with her life. She said that God had blessed her with a long fulfilling life and that if she were to head home that she was content. I was very happy to hear that and I looked in her eyes and I knew she was sincere. Her husband had passed away and she admitted to wanting to reunite with him and that things were never the same since he passed. I couldn't imagine having a spouse pass away. I dont' want to know that pain, but I admire her for being so honest and sharing that with me. She inspired me though to try to enjoy life, yet I was jealous of her at the same time. I think I won't live that long, I don't think I'll find a guy, and I don't think I will ever be content. It's all in my head.
My thoughts will kill me. This is what I think. Hopefully I will get some sleep.
"Heal my heart, Hear my prayer, Take away these earthly fears, while I wade through all lifes tears, with Your word, You heal my heart....Oh Father, sometimes I feel so far away when It hink of all that I've done, but You've built this bridge between us through the blood of Your son, tonight I call upon His name and I pray, Lord, I call upon His name and I pray, Lord hear me praying tonight"
Identity crisis. I believe I'm back at my teen years; the search for oneself. I'm not sure it's all that it sounds like though. I don't think we ever truly find ourselves, but that we are more whole at certain times than others. We have more knowledge about ourselves at different stages.
In times I have felt I had my life figured out, just to have it explode into pieces. And reacting the way I do to stress, it takes its toll. Despite the years of therapy/counseling and medication, I flat out suck with dealing with life stresses.
The little things bother me and preoccupy me. I get frustrated yet do nothing to resolve issues. Someone said something tonight that upset me, yet did I do anything to protect/defend myself? No. Nothing. How will anyone get a clue that it hurts me if I don't express my feelings? I guess I'm scared of how they'll react, which probably doesn't make any sense.
I'm going to ramble off some of these ah bothersome things jsut for the heck of it and if somehow someone get offended, oh well. Patients have been asking me if I'm married and if I have any children. First off, I should take that as a compliment, but then I overanalyze and worry that I look older. I mean going from one patient thinking I'm 16 to another asking if I'm married seems somewhat extreme. Secondly, I feel that I will never marry because I honestly don't think any guy is out there who can ah handle me so to speak. I consider myself rather needy not like materialistic but emotionally I need lots of reassurance, attention, communication, and appreciation. I need to be held and given affection. A smile goes a long way for me. Calling me a cute lovey dovey name in a sincere admirable loving way goes a long way too. Anyways, then I don't want kids, so whenever children come up I get ah ancy you could say. I'll be the reliever meaning I'll babysit other people's children, but I don't want any myself.
You can call me whatever you want, but if I'm lucky enough to find some crazy guy who would wanna spend the rest of his life with me, I do not want children. Not one. Maybe I'll explain some other time when I'm in the mood.
While leaving for the night, a co-worker thanked the staff for a good night in contrast to her other night at work that was horrific. I thought about this, and it made me think of life and how I react to things. Instead of thinking I can handle whatever comes my way it's kinda like the opposite. It's like panic mode. I think, Okay this is happening...what am I going to do now? Oh, I can't handle this. Let me run away. To put it another way, I need to learn to grow some balls. Sorry, I can't keep this entry entirely serious.
I love having old people as patients because I just learn so much from them. This one I remember told me that she was content with her life. She said that God had blessed her with a long fulfilling life and that if she were to head home that she was content. I was very happy to hear that and I looked in her eyes and I knew she was sincere. Her husband had passed away and she admitted to wanting to reunite with him and that things were never the same since he passed. I couldn't imagine having a spouse pass away. I dont' want to know that pain, but I admire her for being so honest and sharing that with me. She inspired me though to try to enjoy life, yet I was jealous of her at the same time. I think I won't live that long, I don't think I'll find a guy, and I don't think I will ever be content. It's all in my head.
My thoughts will kill me. This is what I think. Hopefully I will get some sleep.
"Heal my heart, Hear my prayer, Take away these earthly fears, while I wade through all lifes tears, with Your word, You heal my heart....Oh Father, sometimes I feel so far away when It hink of all that I've done, but You've built this bridge between us through the blood of Your son, tonight I call upon His name and I pray, Lord, I call upon His name and I pray, Lord hear me praying tonight"
Pour out my Soul
I just want to be done. I'm tired of feeling the way I have been feeling. All I feel is pain.
What is this life all about? Why am I stuck here to endure this? Endure this mess I have made for myself.
I want my tears to be wiped away. I want someone to hold me and tell me that somehow things will be okay. I need that reassurance, yet I don't deserve it. I deserve nothing.
That's exactly it. I deserve to be alone. I deserve to have nothing.
I want to be an independent adult, yet still feel like a child on the inside. I'm so very broken.
I shattered a glass all over my body and am reaping the blood, the pain, the urge to disappear forever, that I deserve.
What is this life all about? Why am I stuck here to endure this? Endure this mess I have made for myself.
I want my tears to be wiped away. I want someone to hold me and tell me that somehow things will be okay. I need that reassurance, yet I don't deserve it. I deserve nothing.
That's exactly it. I deserve to be alone. I deserve to have nothing.
I want to be an independent adult, yet still feel like a child on the inside. I'm so very broken.
I shattered a glass all over my body and am reaping the blood, the pain, the urge to disappear forever, that I deserve.
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