face plant

So, I went on a run just now. Not even 5 seconds into the run I tripped and almost took a face plant. I stumbled for quite a bit and somehow used my weight to propel myself upward vs. downward. It was a miracle. I'm glad a car wasn't coming because I could have totally fell on my face and then got run over. Lol. Wow, all within a few seconds. That's how accidents happen though, within just seconds.

It all happened so fast that I'm not sure what I tripped on. I know it was something on the pavement, but I can't determine whether it was the bump in the road or if my foot caught in this hole in the road.

I feel like my life has been like this. I've been running, tripped, and by a miracle carried on.

On and on and On - Wilco

I should be doing a lot right now, but I'm going to reflect before I do those various things. 


Do you think everyone is meant to be with someone, in terms of marriage? It just amazes me that people find each other and get married. How do you know if it's "right" or "wrong"? What causes you to take that next step and make that commitment or to shut them out of your life and break those bonds? I find it a mystery. Sure, I'm single. But I ponder over stuff. I mean, there's A LOT of divorce, and quite frankly, marriage scares me pretty badly. Please God, let me not fear my future and trust that You will provide. Is there someone for me or not? I have no clue, but I trust if there is, that in time God will reveal him to me. 


I'm going to make a Kelly analogy. Oh man, here we go. I feel like a way to sum up my relationships would be sandwiches. Lol. I feel like I'm a slice of bread and my Kellyness is let's say jelly. So there's this Kelly Jelly slice of bread. She's waiting for this Peanut Butter slice of bread to match up with her and complete the sandwich. Jelly doesn't mix with everything. I'm have my share of well, moldy bread or things that don't mix with jelly. The sandwich would fail to satisfy the person's needs lol. 


If God intends me to be alone my entire life, which I hope not, but those are just my desires speaking, I could stand alone as a tasty slice of jelly toast. Who knows. 


In Genesis, it says God created woman out of man's rib. Eve was a suitable helper to Adam. However, I don't believe every woman has a man for her nor every man has a woman for him. Number wise, I don't think it'd perfectly work out that way, nor do I think everyone should be pressured to get married. 


In the stage of my life, I'm kinda fixated on this subject as I'm surrounding by other people getting married, but it makes me think about myself and what my goals, desires, needs are and how I'm making leaps and bounds here and there some large some small concerning my life. Sure, I just graduated college, squared away a job at GMC, still have to take my boards, and am going to hopefully square this place to live in later August. That's fine. 


My essential needs the physiological are all met in terms of food, shelter, and space. The next level of Maslow's hierachy is safety and security I think. And yes, I seek a male to help me feel safe and secure. Gotta admit that. Anyways, I need to shower and get dazzled up for Heather's bachelorette party. I'm having anxiety over it, but it'll be okay. 

sigh

Well, let's see. I'm trying to figure out what's going through my head right now. I'm not in a good state of mind, if you will. I'm sad/depressed/confused/miserable/etc. etc. etc. I had a good day, and then I lost motivation. 


When I don't have control over a situation or something, I feel defeated. Right now I feel defeated by this stupid internet dilema. I know. Stupid. I want to get internet access for the house I'm moving into down the street, but am having quite a difficult time figuring out how it all works. Right now I just want to take a nap and forget about everything. 


I took a practice ATI test in prep for the NCLEX and didn't do all that well on it. I got a 65, but ATI said that's good but I don't get how that's "good." Whatever. I'm just not happy right now, and I hate feeling robbed all the time whether it be I'm robbing myself or allowing others to rob me. WTF am I doing with my life?!


I feel all these emotions and yet do nothing to combat them. I sit here and type and think maybe a lightning rod will strike me and change me into someone else. Sometimes I think animals live better than I do. At least they feel they belong. I don't feel I belong anywhere right now. I feel quite lost. Not sure what it would take to   "be found." 


We are to draw strength from the Lord, yet how do I sometimes feel nothing at all in terms of emotion and then feel everything all being the same person. How can I have motivation and one minor setback suck the life right out of me? Am I that horrible of a person? Am I that fragile, weak, inferior, etc.? 


Sometimes I feel like God is preparing me and working in my life and that things are getting accomplished, and yet other times I feel like I'm not doing a damn thing for Him nor anyone else. I feel like a waste. A complete waste of a breath. 


Right now I would love to have someone hug me and hold me as I sit here crying. That would be nice. I don't have that nor will I. I am alone. 


"What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do"-Rascal Flatts

Baby's Black Balloon Makes her Fly

Did you ever dream you'd be where you are currently? 

Ever since I was a little kid, I has dreams of what my profession would be. Jeez, I wanted to do a lot. 

Hairdresser. Radio Host. Park Ranger. Music Video Director. Psychologist. Massage Therapist. Teacher. Author. Journalist. Craft Store Owner. Waitress. Dog Walker, Groomer, Trainer. Magazine Editor. That's all I can think of at the moment. 

It's strange because I'm trying to picture what I want to get out of life, and it's crazy how I pictured myself years ago and how my views have changed. In my early high school years, I wanted to be a psychologist. I wanted to be a Christian counselor basically. I found on the internet information about Washington Bible College having a program, and I called them for info. Whoever I spoke with suggested that I get this textbook, so I did. I had my heart set on pursuing that field, but then I realized how incompetent I was as a person, and how my own psych problems were too significant :-/ Kinda sucked, but was true. 

I moved onto massage therapy. I loved getting massaged, so I thought what a way to help people feel better and there is literature on the positive impacts of massage therapy on overall health. I had trouble finding programs, and my mom discouraged me pursuing this as she said I'd have trouble finding a job. . 

I got a 980 or so on my PSATs and a 1010 on my actual SATs. I was so discouraged; I thought I had no hope for getting accepted to colleges. Therefore, I met with a Navy recruiter and wanted to be a Navy coreman. My parents were totally against this, and I don't think I'd qualify given my psych history. 

I then volunteered at our hospital back home for three summers and participated in a health care professions class through community college my junior year. I applied to six colleges and was accepted into all of them. I was worried about my SAT scores, so I applied to all those colleges in fear. 

I thought after graduating college that I would save money by living at home and working as a nurse at our local hospital. Ha ha ha ha ha. For those of you who know me well, you know I don't like living at home for various reasons, and that I like being on my own and in a different place than home. 

Random, I really like stained glass. It intrigues me. 

be mine be mine

David Gray song, "Be Mine," is what I'm listening to right now. My second college roommate introduced me to this song. I'm winding down because today I got up around 5:20ish and had a busy day going into the city for the Race for the Cure and then returning to Bloom. 


I've felt like life is going faster than I can keep up. I hardly feel like I'm living in the present. I feel life is going so fast, and I haven't accepted some stuff that has happened recently.


My brother and I graduated college, my sister is getting married, Heather is getting married as is Rachel. I interviewed for a job at Geisinger, and I'm returning to HealthSouth on Thursday. I have this NCLEX review course the next three days. My mom has breast cancer. My brother is moving to Texas, and my sister is moving into a house at some point before her wedding in October.  


Sometimes I feel happy at some of these things and then other times I get angry, fearful, and am scared. I know in all situations, they provide opportunities of growth and discovery, it's just I worry what the future holds regarding things. 


I like the saying or quote or whatever.... time heals all wounds. Yet at the same time, I think to myself, 'Yeah but despite time healing all wounds, doesn't more time bring along more wounds?'


Well, I best be going to bed. Lord, please grant me peace, wisdom, & strength to do Your will. I feel so broken, empty, and at a loss at times. Please deliver me and help me realize my identity in You. Amen. 

Tomorrow I have my final 10:15-12:15 and then my interview at 3. I'm excited and scared at the same time. 


Life is interesting. A lot going on, and I don't feel I ever quite catch up with everything that's happening. 


It was beautiful out when I went for a run. I found a new loop to do on upper campus. I found a way that the road connects and leads out the light street. I like discovering things. 


I'm hoping for a peaceful sleep, and to feel geared up tomorrow morning. Let me strap on my seat belt, turn the key, and put it in drive! :-D