Stand there and smile and tell me not to worry because it's no surprise
I see what's behind your evil grin; I breathe in your intoxicated soul
Memories won't finish what you've instilled in me
Only blank pages exist in this diary
Shed some light onto this roof top because soon enough I'll jump off
I hear your clever words shooting, stabbing like arrows piercing my heart
Time won't heal this insanity
Paddling on a midnight sea
Come once, come all, dance beyond this overwhelming waterfall
I feel the soothing wind of your presence yet why are you at such a distance?
Mend this here Raggedy Ann
Skipping stones wishing to be anyone but me
Monday, July 15, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Hold Me
I walked through the gate, and sat down on my chair on the ride Stratos Fear. I assumed the attendant would fasten the buckle and examine that black harness thing that lies on your chest area. The ride started to ascend, and I start freaking out because I'm wasn't sure if I was fully secured! If you are not familiar with this ride, you sit with your legs dangling and you go up very high and then plummet very quickly! As I was being lifted into the air, thoughts rushed through my head. 'What if I didn't make it? What would happen if I died? Who would care?' I came to the conclusion that if I were to have died then and there that the event would make headlines in a few newspapers and I'd be the talk of the town for a day or two and then no one would mention me. That's how I feel. I got off the ride and felt really depressed.
As I ventured through the park, I saw people and wondered to myself if they were happy. Are they Christians? Do they have hope? What's going on in their lives? Are they content with their lives at this point?
As I was leaving, there was a parking employee that was holding up traffic by goofing around with someone arriving at the park. There's a time for fun and games, but then there's a time to do your job and consider other people. A part of it was jealousy too. I like to goof around but at more appropriate settings and timing than this employee and I feel I don't have anyone.
I miss the days of living across the street from the park and just playing all day. Yesterday I came across a playground with a wiggly bridge. I love wiggly bridges, but it was in use, so I didn't go run across it despite wanting to. I saw the family playing on it, and I missed those days of feeling like people paid attention to me and that I was valued and loved. I heard their laughter, saw their smiles, and understood the love they had for each other. I got a lump in my throat and kept going to my destination.
I positioned my bike and helmet behind me as I sat on the curb. This woman comes along and parks her stroller and stands directly in my view of the street/parade; therefore, I had to stand despite wanting to rest after my bike ride in order to see the parade. I felt it was rude of her, but I didn't want to cause a scene and angrily ask her to move the hell out of my way. I was there before her and her and her company clearly saw me as I was, as usual, in bright clothing!
Managed to get to this awesome park. Started riding only to hit a dead end and arrive at a really steep descend into a river! Ooops! I turned around and went the correct way on the trail! I came across various groups of people and tried to take in the beauty of my surroundings. Being in the shade and completely surrounded by trees makes me feel a sense of seclusion and it calms me down. It reminds me of the Keane lyric, "so why don't we go somewhere only we know."
In conclusion, despite how I feel, I must cling to Truth.
"And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?"-Lifehouse
Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
"You break my heart of stone."-Brave Saint Saturn
As I ventured through the park, I saw people and wondered to myself if they were happy. Are they Christians? Do they have hope? What's going on in their lives? Are they content with their lives at this point?
As I was leaving, there was a parking employee that was holding up traffic by goofing around with someone arriving at the park. There's a time for fun and games, but then there's a time to do your job and consider other people. A part of it was jealousy too. I like to goof around but at more appropriate settings and timing than this employee and I feel I don't have anyone.
I miss the days of living across the street from the park and just playing all day. Yesterday I came across a playground with a wiggly bridge. I love wiggly bridges, but it was in use, so I didn't go run across it despite wanting to. I saw the family playing on it, and I missed those days of feeling like people paid attention to me and that I was valued and loved. I heard their laughter, saw their smiles, and understood the love they had for each other. I got a lump in my throat and kept going to my destination.
I positioned my bike and helmet behind me as I sat on the curb. This woman comes along and parks her stroller and stands directly in my view of the street/parade; therefore, I had to stand despite wanting to rest after my bike ride in order to see the parade. I felt it was rude of her, but I didn't want to cause a scene and angrily ask her to move the hell out of my way. I was there before her and her and her company clearly saw me as I was, as usual, in bright clothing!
Managed to get to this awesome park. Started riding only to hit a dead end and arrive at a really steep descend into a river! Ooops! I turned around and went the correct way on the trail! I came across various groups of people and tried to take in the beauty of my surroundings. Being in the shade and completely surrounded by trees makes me feel a sense of seclusion and it calms me down. It reminds me of the Keane lyric, "so why don't we go somewhere only we know."
In conclusion, despite how I feel, I must cling to Truth.
"And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?"-Lifehouse
Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
"You break my heart of stone."-Brave Saint Saturn
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Black: The Absence of Color
Wearing a mask
A daily task
Playing this game called identity charades
Everything you had and were quickly fades
I will play the part
No matter the quivering, broken heart
Dancing under the moonlight
Back and forth without a fight
I am worthless as can be
Therefore a slave is me
Venom of nightmares engulf like a sea
Flames of demons are all I can see
Black, the absence of color
My mask, my identity
Saturday, April 6, 2013
I'll admit, when the sun shines, it shines; however, when it rains, it pours.
Can I dance in your sunshine? Can I feel the warmth of you on my face and smile as you're with me wherever I go? I see you above me and I feel safe. Please don't hide. Please don't leave. Take me away from this. Take me to where you are. Take me up in your arms and hoist me over your back. Carry me. Carry me far far away and grant me your peace.
Can I dance in your sunshine? Can I feel the warmth of you on my face and smile as you're with me wherever I go? I see you above me and I feel safe. Please don't hide. Please don't leave. Take me away from this. Take me to where you are. Take me up in your arms and hoist me over your back. Carry me. Carry me far far away and grant me your peace.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Bring it to the Light
Step into the light and let me see. Let me hold you close and be all that you need.
Don't be shy. Don't be ashamed. I'm not going anywhere. I am who will remain.
Why all the lies? Why all the scars? Reveal them to me. Reveal who you are.
Mark my words. I love you for you. You are precious to me. You're all that I see.
I'll walk through fire. I'll quench the flames that have engulfed your soul.
Don't let them strike you. Don't let them defeat you.
Why so pale? Why so frail? I'll give you my strength. I'll carry you and make you whole.
Keep my heart. I am yours. You are worth it, worth so much more than you'll ever know.
Looking in your eyes, I can feel your frigid fears. Surrender your soul to someone who will never let go.
Don't flee. Don't doubt.
Why let them win? Why not put up a fight?
Trust the one who gives you a peace that will transcend anything you ever had or ever will face.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
A Moment in Your Arms Became the Reason Why
Psalm 40:1-6
I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.
Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders You have done. The things You planned for us no one can recount to You; were I to speak and tell of them; they would be too many to declare.
*I'll admit, I'm not very patient. I want to know things and when I have to wait for answers, I go nuts.
The Lord knows all; He is in control, yet why do I feel life can be so out of control? Think of all that we don't know. For instance, the weather is not always how the meteorologists predict it to be. Our health is not as we hope/expect it to be mentally, physically and emotionally. People are born and people die second after second, minute after minute, hour after hour. The sun rises and the sun sets. Our fears can consume us and our ailments can define us. Where is our site? Are we looking behind us, in front of us, or within ourselves for answers? Do we look to God for direction in our lives, or do we just grip our steering wheels with death grips and drive with all our might into a destination of no return?
Open my eyes, Lord, to see Your beauty in all things. Help me to praise You through all things. Still my heart and renew my soul. I need You. I so desperately need You.
I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.
Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders You have done. The things You planned for us no one can recount to You; were I to speak and tell of them; they would be too many to declare.
*I'll admit, I'm not very patient. I want to know things and when I have to wait for answers, I go nuts.
The Lord knows all; He is in control, yet why do I feel life can be so out of control? Think of all that we don't know. For instance, the weather is not always how the meteorologists predict it to be. Our health is not as we hope/expect it to be mentally, physically and emotionally. People are born and people die second after second, minute after minute, hour after hour. The sun rises and the sun sets. Our fears can consume us and our ailments can define us. Where is our site? Are we looking behind us, in front of us, or within ourselves for answers? Do we look to God for direction in our lives, or do we just grip our steering wheels with death grips and drive with all our might into a destination of no return?
Open my eyes, Lord, to see Your beauty in all things. Help me to praise You through all things. Still my heart and renew my soul. I need You. I so desperately need You.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Who is it? Who is standing there behind us? When we turn around, do we see who is standing there, or do we just turn around and see completely nothing?
From where do these voices originate? Why do they suddenly consume us? The wind whistles as if mocking us; we are knocked off our feet in an instant.
Cursing the sky, we pound our fists against the concrete. As we bleed we cry out, "Is this what being alive is all about?! Suffering with the chaos in our heads?! Why?! Why on earth are we here and where the heck are we going?! We feel like such a waste of space, yet we're supposed to be content with life?! Content with the madness in which paralyzes us from being free to experience life to the fullest?! Why these chains?! Why?!"
As our anger turns to sadness, we lay on the concrete. The sky darkens, clouds move in, and rain trickles down our quivering bodies.
We slowly inhale then slowly exhale as if breathing differently would clear our minds. We taste the rain. Gazing into the distance, as if some sort of distraction would save us, we sigh. With all our might, we push up with our hands and feet and stumble forward.
A tree catches our eye. So incredibly tall and stable, yet we are lost. Where is home? Where have we wandered to? None of this is familiar. It's all as if we're in a dream. Maybe if we climb this tree, we can discover our way home.
The tree is soaked and getting a strong foothold and firm grip is very difficult. Why? Why can't things just work out how we want them to? Why can't things be simple? Why must climbing a tree be such an ordeal. Why did it have to rain?
Cars zoom by and their headlights hurt our eyes. Why do people drive so fast? Why don't they look where they're going? Oh wait, we are the ones lost now, aren't we?
*That's all I got for now. More to come at some point. Thanks for reading. ;-) *
From where do these voices originate? Why do they suddenly consume us? The wind whistles as if mocking us; we are knocked off our feet in an instant.
Cursing the sky, we pound our fists against the concrete. As we bleed we cry out, "Is this what being alive is all about?! Suffering with the chaos in our heads?! Why?! Why on earth are we here and where the heck are we going?! We feel like such a waste of space, yet we're supposed to be content with life?! Content with the madness in which paralyzes us from being free to experience life to the fullest?! Why these chains?! Why?!"
As our anger turns to sadness, we lay on the concrete. The sky darkens, clouds move in, and rain trickles down our quivering bodies.
We slowly inhale then slowly exhale as if breathing differently would clear our minds. We taste the rain. Gazing into the distance, as if some sort of distraction would save us, we sigh. With all our might, we push up with our hands and feet and stumble forward.
A tree catches our eye. So incredibly tall and stable, yet we are lost. Where is home? Where have we wandered to? None of this is familiar. It's all as if we're in a dream. Maybe if we climb this tree, we can discover our way home.
The tree is soaked and getting a strong foothold and firm grip is very difficult. Why? Why can't things just work out how we want them to? Why can't things be simple? Why must climbing a tree be such an ordeal. Why did it have to rain?
Cars zoom by and their headlights hurt our eyes. Why do people drive so fast? Why don't they look where they're going? Oh wait, we are the ones lost now, aren't we?
*That's all I got for now. More to come at some point. Thanks for reading. ;-) *
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Confession: I need You
Psalm 43:5 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.
My mind has a way of ruining things. I could "have it all together," but still feel like a worthless piece of crap and wish I was dead.
My mom has said that I have a lot going for me, but what people forget to realize is that often when you see actors and actresses perform incredibly on stage and receive numerous awards, fame and fortune, are they truly fulfilled? Do they go home with a smile and feel content?
People tend to judge by what they know about you from a distance. For instance, someone could say someone's profession and immediately you think you know how smart they are, how much money they make, and whether they are getting pleasure from life. Really? Then, we assume we know their personality, physical attributes, habits, etc. I'm not denying the fact that I judge people from knowing very little; however, I'm saying that we tend to base a lot on what job/profession people have. Granted, you invest the majority of your life working, so why not choose something fulfilling? But, what is fulfilling? Tell me, what job is truly satisfying? What job could you do that when you come home and smile ear to ear and do a little happy dance? My point exactly. None.
I'm a nurse. I love helping people and being there for them; however, when I come home, I feel worthless. Why? My mind. No matter whether I did everything right or everything wrong or had complex patients or very simple ones, I feel the same. Worthless.
I feel like Jasmine from Aladdin when she gets stuck in that hourglass sand timer thing. I'm simply stuck. Time is going by, and I feel stuck.
I'd write more, but I'm getting upset.
My mind has a way of ruining things. I could "have it all together," but still feel like a worthless piece of crap and wish I was dead.
My mom has said that I have a lot going for me, but what people forget to realize is that often when you see actors and actresses perform incredibly on stage and receive numerous awards, fame and fortune, are they truly fulfilled? Do they go home with a smile and feel content?
People tend to judge by what they know about you from a distance. For instance, someone could say someone's profession and immediately you think you know how smart they are, how much money they make, and whether they are getting pleasure from life. Really? Then, we assume we know their personality, physical attributes, habits, etc. I'm not denying the fact that I judge people from knowing very little; however, I'm saying that we tend to base a lot on what job/profession people have. Granted, you invest the majority of your life working, so why not choose something fulfilling? But, what is fulfilling? Tell me, what job is truly satisfying? What job could you do that when you come home and smile ear to ear and do a little happy dance? My point exactly. None.
I'm a nurse. I love helping people and being there for them; however, when I come home, I feel worthless. Why? My mind. No matter whether I did everything right or everything wrong or had complex patients or very simple ones, I feel the same. Worthless.
I feel like Jasmine from Aladdin when she gets stuck in that hourglass sand timer thing. I'm simply stuck. Time is going by, and I feel stuck.
I'd write more, but I'm getting upset.
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