Pondering

Who are you when the lights get low?
Who are you when no one's watching?
Do you destroy yourself?
Do you give in?

Who are you when all things fall apart?
Who are you when you've let go?
Do you know that demon staring you in the face?
Do you mourn?

I feel like when all is said and done that I'm empty. When I look at the cup, it's half empty.
When I look at something, it somehow is there but soon fades away.

I feel so broken. Heal my heart. Save me, Lord. Save me from myself.

You make Beautiful things out of Dust

"What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing to us....Worship is pure or base as the worshiper entertains high or low thoughts of God. For this reason the gravest question before the Church is always God Himself, and the most portentous fact about any man is not what he at a given time may say or do, but what he in his deep heart conceives God to be like." -A. W. Tozer

Why are we here? When it comes to the end of the day, I find myself asking rather deep questions. I find myself wanting to just stare at the sky and ask God why? Why did He go through all this trouble creating this earth and everything in it? 


I guess I just feel overwhelmed and worthless again. I can't say that I've worked many, if any, days when I come home from work and feel accomplished. I feel like unsteady. I don't quite feel proud or great about what I do for a living. Nursing is "such a great profession" or whatever people say about it. But I'm so hard on myself and so unsatisfied all the time that I hardly know what it is to feel. I'm so fearful it's like I walk around worrying and not actually experiencing anything. I just wonder if people pick up on this that I'm in my own little world and not in touch with reality.


It's hard to pretend. It's hard to force a smile. I had one patient's son recognize this and point it out to me today. He said, "Kelly, what's wrong? You don't seem happy." I almost broke down on the spot but held it together somehow. I said something along the lines of, "Oh, I just have a lot on my mind. I'm trying to keep things together." And it just upset me that I'm so miserable that people can recognize it on my face. He read me so clearly. Is that what I'm giving back? A miserable frantic aura?


Give it all to God. Give Him all I have. Despite feeling like nothing, I am His. 

Your Eyes See Straight Through Me

I'm laying in my bed reflecting. The over nighter with the youth group was really awesome. I'm exhausted from it and working the weekend, but it was worth it. I'd have it no other way.

I feel regretful tonight. I wish things in my life would have happened differently, but what am I to do? I wish I had an eraser. Something to take the pain and memories away. I'm trying to reason with myself and understand that what's done has been done and that I can't do anything about it, yet my past haunts me. By past I mean everything from what has happened today from years and years ago bothers me.

Thinking about things that have happened makes me feel insecure. I judge myself by what's happened, and I fear the future. I don't wanna be alone relationship wise for the rest of my life yet I don't picture myself with anyone. I flat out don't know anyone crazy enough to wanna be with me! I just want so badly to be loved. I wanna feel that I'm, as cliche, "okay just the way I am." Why is that so hard?

The thing is, it's not that people don't love me and care for me in my life. I have the Lord, family, and friends that definitely do, it's just convincing myself and having it actually get through to me. It's the same thing for compliments, you can tell me til you're blue in the face that I'm this or that and I will not agree. :-/

I'm so so lucky, yet I feel nothing at times. I pray for a brand new day. Lord, please grant me the strength to accept Your love and mercy and power. Help me to surrender all my insecurities to You and You alone. Take my heart and renew me. Make me more and more like You. Help me to find myself in You and to feel Your presence and love. You're all that I have, all that I am.

Just Have Your Way

Lord, I'm so broken. I'm such a fragile thing at times and it scares me.

I could blame various things, but it's all because I cling to things other than You. I cling to fear.

Work stresses me out but the conversations I take personally at times. I freak out about doing everything perfect and fear messing up something or not knowing something. If I'm not living, what am I doing? I'm running away from reality. I'm wanting to be someone else. I'm wanting to feel differently than how I feel, but I'm still caught up in the same old damn things.

I hate being alone relationship wise, but I know it's what I'm meant to do now.

I hate feeling alone in my thoughts and isolated from others in that respect.

I hate being insecure, yet I do everything to flee from You and from surrendering myself to You.

Help me to accept Your love and to love myself. Lord, help me to honor You. Help me to find myself in You and not in the things of this world. Help me to build my house upon the Rock. Help me to love as You have loved. Help me to fall in love with You and You alone. Yours, Kelly.

Death

So my day started with me burning my hair in a candle. I was going to spit out my mouthwash while holding my lap top that had a candle ontop of it along with my phones. My hair is long and it got into the candle. The ashes were thrown into the sink, but the stank is still here. 


I think it's very symbolic. Things happen in our lives and we "throw them aside" but that doesn't mean they don't linger afterwards. The stench is still smelt, and we are still reminded of our past. We can extinguish flames, but we still see the destruction and feel it. 


Today has been rough in the fact that I'm very emotional and cried over a check not being on my statement, but I figured out what happened. I called my dad crying and he's used to this. He told me that he wouldn't change a thing about me and that he doesn't know why I don't like myself. He reminded me that the pressure I put on myself is not necessary. I'm so broken, but he accepts me and encourages me. My dad is very awesome, but he's awesome because he's wise. He's not above me, he's right there beside me throughout things. 


I used to call my dad in high school everyday before lunch because that's when I got most anxious. I feel very empty right now, scared, and alone. I know that these are all lies. My heavenly Father and actual father are right there beside me. When I am weak, He makes me strong. He carries me through it all. All the scars and flames that try to isolate me and take me away, He fights and overcomes all barriers to meet me where I am. He laid down His life for me. He conquers all. He overcomes all barriers I attempt to put up, and I fall to my knees because I am far too weak without Him. He's so much more than I can fathom. 


When I'm here crying and falling apart, He takes it upon Himself to come to me, to rescue me, and leave me breathless. Help me Lord, help me to become more like You and to surrender all my insecurities, imperfections, and sinful ways to You. Help make me new. I am Yours.