We are so Small

I had a fabulous night last night. I had some friends over for a fire/food shin dig. I'm in awe of how small we are and how God is our strength.

I feel so empty at times and so fearful, but He holds me close and knows my heart.

I'm scared of what other people think of me. I'm fearful of how I come across. I fear rejection, and I often reject myself. I'm scared of being a bad nurse, daughter, sister, friend, etc.

Austin is leaving in a few months for his missions trip all around the world! That's amazing and I'm proud of him and praying for him. I'm scared though. I'm scared how he'll be during those months whether he'll be safe and such but also how I will cope with him being away. I love being able to see him in person and the little things he does and being able to talk to him. I need to trust that God works for the good of those who love Him and God is in control. I am not. It's in His hands. Lord, help me to trust You. Help me to give you all my worries and help me to love You, truly love You. Help me to not make you a Sunday thing or to place you on a as needed basis. You created me and know me. Please help me to surrender all I am to You.

Lord, thanks so much for blessing me with a loving family and friends and a job and wonderful place to live with awesome roommates. I'm so lucky. Little to big things throughout a day happen that help confirm that there is a God. While running today, I was so scared I wouldn't be able to finish because it's my long run for the week. It was hot. I was tired. Mentally I was not concentrating as well as I should have been. I prayed and asked Him to help me. He gave me wings and I completed my run! I was feeling lonely this afternoon and then I had a good phone conversation with a friend.

"The end of fear is where we begin"-Goo Goo Dolls
Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
He laid down His life for me. For me! And you! How great is that love?!!!!
Below: pic I took after my run lol!

I'm not perfect. Quite far from it. I feel alive when I'm hanging out with people and laughing and seeing them smile.

I'm looking forward to fall which is just a few days away! Sweet. I want firesssssssss and cool runs and hayrides and adventuring through woods or along train tracks. Star gazing rocking in the swing thing in my yard. haha

This is not written well, but hell, it's a blog. Whatever. 

During my run today there was this guy who was walking along towards me and I went on the outside and he told me to go on the inside 'cuz it was safe then told me to keep running baby lol! He was this old guy wearing an Army t-shirt. I don't know if that t-shirt was legit or not, but he was def. old. A minivan honked at me and they had already passed me so I just waved back as if they could really see me from behind. I have no clue who these people are who honk me, but I must be a hit if they're willing to honk. 

I had a really good time with Austin tonight. :-) 

Relationships, feeling, etc etc are a joke. I have no idea what the fuck is going on and I'm sorry but I'm done.

I'm exhausted from work and sucking at sleeping. Sigh.

Back massage. Anyone? Man, I could go for one right now. There are very few things in life like a back massage.

I could go for some snuggling as well. Oh the warmth of snuggling and the love shared from it.

It's less than one month until my birthday. I'll be 25. Damn I'm getting old! Jeez.

I wore my Curious George scrubs today to work :-D Yea yea! My Victoria Secret Hipster sticker. Symbolic because Jeremy identifies himself as hipster and it's in a heart. :-D

You Matter

It's a wonder to me that each person that exists matters. Often we label people as a druggie, prep, jock, etc., but they are worthy in God's eyes. 


The other day, near the I-80 entrance near the Denny's, I saw a guy sitting there hitchhiking. I smiled at him for some reason and just kept driving. I felt bad for passing him up, but in the same instance I wonder how he got to the point where he was it. After grocery shopping, I had planned that I'd give him some granola bars, but he was no longer in that same location. I hope he got to where he needed to get or at least found some shelter and food.  I have to admit to feeling that I missed a chance to reach someone, to let them open up and feel loved, but at the same time, I feel like everything is a chance. It could have been special or it could have been terrible!


I feel that way about relationships too. Looking back on the ones I've been in, I can say good things and bad about them all, but I know some are more ah one side than the other. It's hard to believe that I'll find someone who loves me and that will be with me until we pass into the next life because I simply haven't had that luck yet. It's hard to believe when something you've believed in has been broken. 


I've had two instances in particular when I thought I found "the one" as cliche as that sounds. The first was who I dated when I was a senior in high school. He was also my first, if you know what I mean, so that's another reason why it was tough to let go of him. It me a year and a half to start to let go of him. I sought out another guy but we were never official nor did anything result of it. 


The other was a guy I met in college. I still want to be with him, but he's told me he doesn't see us getting back together ever again. I don't believe that, but maybe I can being stubborn. I can't force him to love me, but I just know what we had and just hope we'll find it again. Sigh. 


It's not easy not knowing, but I do know that the Lord loves me as does my family and friends. Am I lacking a significant other? Yes. Do I need to let it get me upset? No. 


Lord, You love me and help me to find my worth in You. I am nothing without You.