I'm listening to, yet again, "Colorblind" the Counting Crows version. I just am fascinated by this song. This is nothing new. I get into these modes in which I get "addicted" to certain songs. This is just an example.
I have a lot on my mind. I just got back from work and have a lot to say, yet it's tough because it's like what to put down and what not to. It all seems important yet not at the same time.
As nervous as I get, I love people. What satisfies me is my relationships with people. However, I live in such fear of rejection, that it's like difficult for me to take chances. For instance, I don't want to initiate convos or get togethers and come across as annoying or too needy or if the other person doesn't want to talk or have anything to do with me for that matter.
It's crossed my mind the past couple days of what it's like to be drunk. The closest I've got to being drunk was a teaspoon of wine for communion one time, one church service. I actually didn't know 'cuz it was the first time I took communion at this particular church. I noticed the kids weren't drinking the juice and I was like hmmm maybe they don't like the taste. Wow, I'm such an idiot. So yeah, then I drank it and realized oh. That's not just cranberry or whatever juice haha.
I think I have these wishes to get wasted because of wanting to rid myself of my mind. I want to have that total relaxation and not caringness if you will. But it just doesn't make sense for me to get drunk because I'm on an anti-depressant and if I drink that's a depressant. A friend recently told me ah having depression and drinking wouldn't be a good combo. Some people are like just don't take your med that day you drink and I'm thinking yeahhhh that has never gone well. I am always in wonder of what I would say if I got drunk. I'm very open now in terms of telling people things, well, depending who you are, so I can't imagine how much I'd say. It probably wouldn't be good. hah.
I just wish this pain I have would go away. It's not physical pain. It's this constant ache I suppose. These negative thoughts I have. I'm trying to pray when they come on. It's a constant chasing after the wind. I think it's a deep longing to be loved. I realize people love me, but I have trouble reaching out for help when I need it and I need attention and I just am more sensitive to things others say and do and I often take it negatively when they probably didn't even mean for it to come across that way.
I think about my loved ones throughout the day. I wonder where they are, what they're doing, if they're feeling okay physically, spiritually, emotionally. I feel this need for them to reassure me that they're okay and if they're not I want them tmo let me into their world so I can at least listen to what's going on with them. Not that I can resolve their issues, I know I don't have that power, but I want to walk along with them and hold their hand throughout everything. That's what makes me feel special. When people are willing to let me in, take their masks off, and say to me everything that's on their heart.
Tonight I had a 1:1 assignment which means this particular patient requires 24/7 assistance/monitoring. She has anxiety and was crying. She kept apologizing for her tears, and I told her that she needs to let herself cry. I told her that it's healthy to let herself feel what she's feeling. I rubbed her back and handed her tissues and talked to her. She thanked me, but I'm not here to be thanked, nor do I think people need to apologize for feeling how they feel. What I want more than anything is to be the one people share things with and feel comfortable talking to. I want people to feel cared about.
I'm thinking of this particular guy yet again. Hah. I hope he's sleeping well right now. I recently got to see him smile and when I think about him, I often close my eyes and see him smiling and that makes me feel like he's right there with me. It's really a nice thing. Today at church I was cold, and I wished he was there holding me to keep me warm. I miss that. I miss him holding me. I miss holding him. I wish I had a crystal ball and could see him sleeping right now. I'm thinking of making him pumpkin muffins. I'm not sure when, but the thought has crossed my mind, and I know I'll do it sometime soon.
I got invited to a Halloween party the Friday before Halloween. I'm thinking of just going as a princess 'cuz I already have the costume. I'll just wear a dress and a tiara. Maybe I'll got as Cinderalla since my sister has this light blue beaded longer dress and I have a tiara. Now for the blonde hair eh dang. Hah ah aha. Borrow my sister's hair! That'd work. I'm pretty lost as far as Halloween costumes go. I'm not too motivated to go out and buy something since that's kinda dumb for just one night, so I think I'll figure something out with stuff I already have. Cinderella/Princess is looking good right now, but I just got invited tonight, so I have a bit of time to brainstorm. Hmm. Decisions decisions. I'm not into those ah skanky slutty girl costumes either.
Okay, well, I suppose I shall pass out shortly.
No matter what, He still loves me.
"Then sings my soul, my Savior, God to thee, How great thou art, how great thou art"
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