Face to Face

Where is she? What did you do with her? I miss her. I need her.

Identity crisis. I believe I'm back at my teen years; the search for oneself. I'm not sure it's all that it sounds like though. I don't think we ever truly find ourselves, but that we are more whole at certain times than others. We have more knowledge about ourselves at different stages.

In times I have felt I had my life figured out, just to have it explode into pieces. And reacting the way I do to stress, it takes its toll. Despite the years of therapy/counseling and medication, I flat out suck with dealing with life stresses.

The little things bother me and preoccupy me. I get frustrated yet do nothing to resolve issues. Someone said something tonight that upset me, yet did I do anything to protect/defend myself? No. Nothing. How will anyone get a clue that it hurts me if I don't express my feelings? I guess I'm scared of how they'll react, which probably doesn't make any sense.

I'm going to ramble off some of these ah bothersome things jsut for the heck of it and if somehow someone get offended, oh well. Patients have been asking me if I'm married and if I have any children. First off, I should take that as a compliment, but then I overanalyze and worry that I look older. I mean going from one patient thinking I'm 16 to another asking if I'm married seems somewhat extreme. Secondly, I feel that I will never marry because I honestly don't think any guy is out there who can ah handle me so to speak. I consider myself rather needy not like materialistic but emotionally I need lots of reassurance, attention, communication, and appreciation. I need to be held and given affection. A smile goes a long way for me. Calling me a cute lovey dovey name in a sincere admirable loving way goes a long way too. Anyways, then I don't want kids, so whenever children come up I get ah ancy you could say. I'll be the reliever meaning I'll babysit other people's children, but I don't want any myself.

You can call me whatever you want, but if I'm lucky enough to find some crazy guy who would wanna spend the rest of his life with me, I do not want children. Not one. Maybe I'll explain some other time when I'm in the mood.

While leaving for the night, a co-worker thanked the staff for a good night in contrast to her other night at work that was horrific. I thought about this, and it made me think of life and how I react to things. Instead of thinking I can handle whatever comes my way it's kinda like the opposite. It's like panic mode. I think, Okay this is happening...what am I going to do now? Oh, I can't handle this. Let me run away. To put it another way, I need to learn to grow some balls. Sorry, I can't keep this entry entirely serious.

I love having old people as patients because I just learn so much from them. This one I remember told me that she was content with her life. She said that God had blessed her with a long fulfilling life and that if she were to head home that she was content. I was very happy to hear that and I looked in her eyes and I knew she was sincere. Her husband had passed away and she admitted to wanting to reunite with him and that things were never the same since he passed. I couldn't imagine having a spouse pass away. I dont' want to know that pain, but I admire her for being so honest and sharing that with me. She inspired me though to try to enjoy life, yet I was jealous of her at the same time. I think I won't live that long, I don't think I'll find a guy, and I don't think I will ever be content. It's all in my head.

My thoughts will kill me. This is what I think. Hopefully I will get some sleep.

"Heal my heart, Hear my prayer, Take away these earthly fears, while I wade through all lifes tears, with Your word, You heal my heart....Oh Father, sometimes I feel so far away when It hink of all that I've done, but You've built this bridge between us through the blood of Your son, tonight I call upon His name and I pray, Lord, I call upon His name and I pray, Lord hear me praying tonight"