There was conflict when my parents were deciding my name. My dad wanted Karen and my mom wanted Kelly. My mom had to endure the labor of delivering me, and my head got stuck, so I was trouble from the beginning. Fun fun. I was named Kelly. I think it means warrior in German. Most people assume I'm Irish because of being named Kelly, but I'm not Irish; yup, 0% Irish. I'm German though. From what I'm told, I'm some mixture of sorts: Polish, German, French, Italian, and Slovakian. Who knows. I mean, you can stereotype me a lot since I'm all those things, but I'll take it. Actually off the top of my head, I am very dumb, so the Polish is accurate and I'm loud and speak with my hands so the Italian is there too.
Ah, my legs are still cramping. It sucks. I eat bananas and take a multivitamin daily, so that should have solved the potassium deficit if that were the cause. I hydrate, so I don't think I'm dehydrated..another cause of leg cramps. I stretch and aren't running as much, so I'm just frustrated. It's always something, but I need to be grateful for what I have.
I lacked motivation today, so before work I didn't accomplish much. I mailed some stuff I was in need of mailing. I took a nice stroll to the post office in town. Now, I suck at wrapping/taping/cutting..the whole nine yards when it comes to preparing a gift or in this case a package. I purposely left this small, ah, shoebox sized package untaped because I trust the post office's taping skills over mine any day. Yet, the guy goes, "We don't do that here." I told him I'm horrible at it and he just stood there and witnessed first hand my awful tape job. I felt bummed out, I ask for help and he just stood there watching me make an idiot of myself. I guess he's just following the rules of his job, but I don't agree with them.
I took a break during work tonight and called Mrs. Lowe. She was in Texas, so my parents will just love that cell phone bill. I'm not sure how long we were on the phone, but it meant a lot to me. She's, well, it's always tough to thoroughly describe someone who is very special to you, but she's very loving, caring, empathetic, and nurturing. She's a very dedicated prayer, and I admire that about her. She told me that she still prays for me, and just knowing she prays for me makes my day a little brighter. She's very wise and encouraging, so I was glad to get a hold of her tonight.
My grandma prays for me too. She lights candles at her church or something for me. She also writes my name on this list or something for the congregation to pray for. I feel lucky to have people who care about me and know Christ. It's one thing for them to think about me and care about me and be there for me, but praying for me just melts my heart.
This Christian radio station back home in which I was a dedicated listener and wanted to work for had this Saturday night program. I called in and mentioned how I was upset about people judging me by my appearance. I started crying when I mentioned it so the last words had that higher pitch pause type of thing. The host prayed for me. I was so excited and touched by this. I ran into my parent's room, despite them being asleep, and told them with a big smile on my face that I was prayed for over the air!
"I am falling into grace into the unknown where You are and faith makes everybody scared it's the unknown they don't know that keeps me hanging on and on and on to You"-Lifehouse
I feel very stupid. I wish I were a lot different than I am. I'd like to trade with someone or maybe take parts from people and mold all the qualities I admire in other people and make a new person...a new me.
I guess I'll just try to accept all that I've done in this life and keep pressing onward. I'm just so ashamed. I can't bear it. I need to surrender myself to Jesus and let Him have my burdens. I just feel like I mess everything up and am a mess up.
I'd love a hug right now. I feel so alone, but I know I'm not alone. God loves me and will never leave me, yet I just want to fade if you get what I'm saying. I just don't want to go on sometimes. Right now I'm about to sleep and I would be okay with not waking up. I just feel so worthless.
All I feel right now is pain. Pain for who I am. I can't keep pretending things are okay right now. Oh here it goes. I'm going to just get this out there. Maybe it'll help me sleep and not be so worked up.
Let's start with college. Still haven't graduated. Withdrew from a course and returned this past fall, so fall of 2009 to attempt that course again...and withdrew...yet again. The first week of clinicals, the professor pulled me aside.....granted, I thought I worked my butt off that first week taking on more complex patients and patients with more meds than normal etc. and one day I didn't even take a lunch break because I was so busy. Anyways, she held me after post conference and basically said she's worried about my performance in clinicals. I agreed with some of the t hings she pointed out, but I really took it hard. It was really embarrassing because I started hysterically crying. This was the worst because I had cried infront of professors, but nothing like this. I couldn't talk. I got to the point of uncontrollable hycupping. This lasted for two hours. I think I called my parents, then Heather, then Brian. Something like that. I didn't go to class the next day and I soon withdrew. I didn't tell anyone aside from my roommates, family, and like two friends, and I up and did it. It was devastating to say the least. I still have that fear of "failing" or not being "good enough" and it's a consisten theme in my life. Being the middle child and constantly comparing myself to my siblings doesn't help either. Well, I have more to say but I'm rather tired.
I am not my own; I am His.
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