So I'm sitting here listening to Edwin McCain. I used to have his CD, but ofcourse I lost it somehow. Me, lose something? No. Never. It's a great CD. I forget the name of it; it's the CD wi th "I'll Be" and "I Could Not Ask for More." I used to listen to his CD while laying down for bed when I was in middle school. Not sure of the year. I'd pop the CD in and listen to it I think from track 1- whenever I got too tired to listen anymore. It's one of those CDs. I love that type. I have others like that, but I don't listen anymore like I used to. Maybe I will bring them up sometime.
This is what I get out of this song despite his intended meanings. It's loving someone and them not being for you. It's chasing after the wind. It's having a hope for something to happen and then it falling through.
"So don't leave me 'cuz a part of you in me died"
This to me represents the devastation of a loss. Now when I say "loss" you might think an actual death which I am referring to, but I also mean someone's actions or some traumatic experience that occurs. For me, I can list the losses I've endured during this life, but everyone has their list. I realize this. I look back and am confused as anything why things have happened. Some make sense to me and some just frustrate me to no end. I'm not God, so I don't know everything, so I won't try or pretend that I do.
The first traumatic loss I recall would have to be the death of my grandma. My dad's mom. She and I were born on the same day, October 5th. She lived in the town next to us when we lived in the twin. She lived in an apt. by herself. It was August of 1997. She was a patient in Taylor Hospital. I didn't know much of the situation, but I remember my family going to visit her. I remember waiting on a chair or bench in the hallway and I think my dad or someone went to check with how she was doing or what room she was in or something. I remember sitting there and it all clicked in my head.
She was dying. I'm not sure why I realized this whether it be me overhearing my parents one day or just having that hunch feeling of despair or what. So I started crying in the hall. I couldn't stop I just sat there with my hands on my cheeks, elbows on knees, head downward with tears running down my face. A nurse came over and handed me a tissue. That was the first spark of my yearning to be a nurse.
Anyways, my family entered Grandma's room. I stared at this woman in this bed. This was not Grandma. She seemed like just a body in a bed. This tore me apart seeing her like how she was. I don't think her eyes were open nor do I remember her talking at all. My parents told her who was here to visit her and I knew she was on her way out. I went to the side of her bed, touched her hand and whispered, "Goodbye Grandma."
That was my first meeting with death. Seeing her dying in the hospital. She was the first person who was in my life and then disappeared. To this day, I struggle with coping with changes in life. This was just the beginning of the explosion.
My grandma gave me opal earrings and an opal necklace and I lost the earrings and the necklace broke. I want to get some type of opal jewelry so I can wear it in her memory. It's our birthstone. I'm not one to just go out and buy myself something, so maybe I'll suggest it for my birthday or something. My parents typically bug me about what I want for my birthday and I usually say whatever. I sometimes come up with stuff but I don't need much.
I wish I had someone to cuddle with right now. I'm worn out from kayaking and plan on watching a movie tonight. I want to be held. Anyways, I'm going to read now that book "The Lies Young Woman Believe." Take care
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