I stopped my relationship with God when all things feel through the summer of 2009. I was mad at God for all that has happened. Instead of clinging to Him and keeping my faith, I did the exact opposite. My heart hardened. I wasn't like Job. I wasn't as wise. In my stubborness, I turned away. It was the worst summer of my life. I let my circumstances impact my faith. I was angry at God for allowing my life to fall apart as it did. I didn't trust Him. I didn't trust anyone anymore. I felt worthless.
I got into a relationship with someone I was not meant to be with from the beginning. I knew this too. He wasn't a Christian and I went down that road AGAIN. I cannot be with a non-Christian and this isn't the first time I tried that relationship. I wasn't seeing clearly as I hadn't kept the faith. I saw him as a nice guy who cared about me and that was good enough. It's not. I have standards and he didn't meet all of them and we argued more than anyone I've ever been with. I submitted to him more than what's healthy, and in the end, I gained a lot of hurt from my poor choices. There are things that happened that I don't want to detail, but let's just say I gained hurt from them. God knows, and I pray that I can heal from the situations I put myself in and had to endure.
I've been suicidal on and off meaning suicidal thoughts. I actually had a plan, but never carried it out. Thank you Lord for saving me from all that. I know having a job, a place to stay, and a boyfriend will not satisfy my needs. Only the Lord can truly satisfy the desires of my heart. I started reading a book, and it spoke to me, and I finally gripped the fact that I needed to stop pretending to be someone I'm not. I needed to submit to God. I broke up with the guy, and I'm trying to grow with my relationship with the Lord. I'm trying to keep myself influence by godly things such as reading Christian books/bible, listening to sermons, reading articles, praying and Christian friends. I don't have many deep Christian friends, but I'm working on establishing that and I have called Pastor Lyon and opened up to him and Mrs. Lowe is always there for me too, and I recently called her. My parents are a wonderful influence as well. I love my family and friends. I'm very blessed.
Pastor Lyon's wife and daughter are headed to Chicago tomorrow, so I pray that they have a safe trip. Heather had to work 16hrs last night into today, and she heads back for another 8 hrs tonight! Nuts. I'm thinking of asking her to take me to Shiloh's night service tomorrow night 'cuz she has a Carver Hall meeting and I'd like to get a book about being single at shiloh and maybe attend their service at 6 I think it is. We'll see. Well, I'm going to head on a walk and call home. I just finished watching Good Will Hunting. It's one of my favorite movies.
I especially enjoy it because it shows how you have to find what your passion is and not necessarily what other people think you should do. I like how he went to counseling and he had some really good heart to hearts. I love opening up to people and them opening up to me. That's one of my passions is connecting with people on a deep level.
Well, I'm going to enjoy the night.
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