Damien Rice

Just sitting here listening to Damien Rice. I still am not feeling well. I'm not sure what is wrong with me. I felt impeding sickness a week or so ago and it progressively got worse. It started with a sore throat. I thought it was just allergies, but then I had yellow mucus, so I thought it was a sinus infection of some sort since those areas were affected. I've been taking Sudafed every 4 hours, but it hasn't resolved my illness. It's still lingering and I've been having diarrhea now too. Lovely. The heat doesn't help either. Going from heat to air conditioning in work. So it's two extremes temperature wise.

I'm not sure what to think anymore. I just feel really lonely and that my heart is in a blender. I have this longing to be held and rocked like a baby. I love being held. I'm not happy, but what is happiness?

Tonight at church, an elder spoke about Revelation and how the churches were both praised yet rebuked and how we should evangelize more. I think that's how we are as people; we have things are are strengths and things that are weaknesses. He said that Shiloh has strong missions, yet needs to build one another up in the faith as a family and in the community. Individually he was speaking. Like, instead of going on an organized event to evangelize, just do it on our own during our days.

I want to talk about God more to my friends and family and coworkers. In high school I had witnessed to someone, but he rejected, but at least I talked to him. I hope to bring some people to Christ in my lifetime. I pray that God would use me to do so. In high school while working at a retirement home as a waitress/hostess, I had an old person ask me why I was smiling all the time and I answered, "Because Jesus Christ is my Savior."

I guess I'm just frustrated of these extreme of being fervent for the Lord and then completely disowning Him so to speak. I often seek a rescue from it all. A rescue from myself. A need to be acknowledged and loved despite all my wickedness and shame. A reassurance that I'm not a mistake and despite my many mistakes that I am still loved. For some reason beyond me, God loves me. I hate myself. I hate who I am. I hate so much. I'm sorry. I'm getting rather emotional meaning sensitive. Crossing that point of comfort.

I'm sick of feeling worthless. Looking in the mirror and being my own worst critic. What is this? Why live this way? How does this help me at all? I think I'm dumb, ugly, fat, inadequate, and inferior.

Revelation 21:3-4



Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.


(NIV Bible)