I'm reading this book called, "I Love You, but why are we so Different? Making the Differences Work for You." I got it from Shiloh's Library. I got it because I wanted a book discussing relationships, so that if God grants me another one, perhaps it can go well. Or at least I can further my knowledge in some way.
While reading today, it is discussing the different temperments of people. It says we have two, a primary, and a secondary. I think I found my primary just from reading the abbreviated descriptions because there are books out there entirely on each temperment, but this just gave a couple page detailed overview of the four different types. Mine was "The Melancholy."
Here is it's description. WARNING: It's long. I'll try to sum it up. Well, the parts I think are true for me at least.
By nature, he is prone to be an introvert, but since his feelings predominate, he is given to a variety of moods. Sometimes they lift him to heights of ecstasy that cause him to act more extroverted. However, at other times he will be gloomy and depressed, and during these periods he becomes withdrawn and can be quite antagonistic. This tendency toward black moods has earned him the reputation of being the "dark temperament."
Very faithful friend, but does not make friends easily. He seldom pushes himself to meet new people, but rather lets them come to him. His natural reticence to put himself forward is not an indication that he doesn't enjoy people. Like the rest of us, he not only likes others but has a strong desire to be loved by them. Disappointing experiences, however, make him suspicious when others seek him out or shower him with attention.
He usually finds his greatest meaning in life through personal sacrifice. He seems to enjoy making himself suffer, and will often choose a difficult life vocation involving sacrifice. But once it is chosen, he is prone to be exceptionally thorough and perisistent in his pursuit of it, and he will accomplish great good if his natural tendency to gripe throughout the sacrificial process doesn't get him so depressed that he gives up on it altogether. No temperament has so much natural potential when energized by the Holy Spirit.
The admirable qualities of perfectionism and conscientiousness are often interwoven with the spirit of negativism, pessimism, and criticism. The most damaging influence upon a person's mind, in my opinion, is criticism; thus the Melancholy has to fight that spirit constantly. He suffers from negative thoughts, but then he compounds the problem by verbalizing them, which not only reinforces the spirit of negation but devastates his wife, children, friends. (Well, I won't have a wife or children ha ha ha). He is endlessly examining his spiritual life and coming up short in his own mind. No temperament offers more potential but falls far below expectations due to negative mood swings and lack of self-confidence.
It also goes on to describe how each of the temperaments are attracted to their opposite which is common sense really. You seek someone who balances you, like their strengths are your weaknesses and such. Okay, that's all for now.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Damien Rice
Just sitting here listening to Damien Rice. I still am not feeling well. I'm not sure what is wrong with me. I felt impeding sickness a week or so ago and it progressively got worse. It started with a sore throat. I thought it was just allergies, but then I had yellow mucus, so I thought it was a sinus infection of some sort since those areas were affected. I've been taking Sudafed every 4 hours, but it hasn't resolved my illness. It's still lingering and I've been having diarrhea now too. Lovely. The heat doesn't help either. Going from heat to air conditioning in work. So it's two extremes temperature wise.
I'm not sure what to think anymore. I just feel really lonely and that my heart is in a blender. I have this longing to be held and rocked like a baby. I love being held. I'm not happy, but what is happiness?
Tonight at church, an elder spoke about Revelation and how the churches were both praised yet rebuked and how we should evangelize more. I think that's how we are as people; we have things are are strengths and things that are weaknesses. He said that Shiloh has strong missions, yet needs to build one another up in the faith as a family and in the community. Individually he was speaking. Like, instead of going on an organized event to evangelize, just do it on our own during our days.
I want to talk about God more to my friends and family and coworkers. In high school I had witnessed to someone, but he rejected, but at least I talked to him. I hope to bring some people to Christ in my lifetime. I pray that God would use me to do so. In high school while working at a retirement home as a waitress/hostess, I had an old person ask me why I was smiling all the time and I answered, "Because Jesus Christ is my Savior."
I guess I'm just frustrated of these extreme of being fervent for the Lord and then completely disowning Him so to speak. I often seek a rescue from it all. A rescue from myself. A need to be acknowledged and loved despite all my wickedness and shame. A reassurance that I'm not a mistake and despite my many mistakes that I am still loved. For some reason beyond me, God loves me. I hate myself. I hate who I am. I hate so much. I'm sorry. I'm getting rather emotional meaning sensitive. Crossing that point of comfort.
I'm sick of feeling worthless. Looking in the mirror and being my own worst critic. What is this? Why live this way? How does this help me at all? I think I'm dumb, ugly, fat, inadequate, and inferior.
Revelation 21:3-4
Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
(NIV Bible)
I'm not sure what to think anymore. I just feel really lonely and that my heart is in a blender. I have this longing to be held and rocked like a baby. I love being held. I'm not happy, but what is happiness?
Tonight at church, an elder spoke about Revelation and how the churches were both praised yet rebuked and how we should evangelize more. I think that's how we are as people; we have things are are strengths and things that are weaknesses. He said that Shiloh has strong missions, yet needs to build one another up in the faith as a family and in the community. Individually he was speaking. Like, instead of going on an organized event to evangelize, just do it on our own during our days.
I want to talk about God more to my friends and family and coworkers. In high school I had witnessed to someone, but he rejected, but at least I talked to him. I hope to bring some people to Christ in my lifetime. I pray that God would use me to do so. In high school while working at a retirement home as a waitress/hostess, I had an old person ask me why I was smiling all the time and I answered, "Because Jesus Christ is my Savior."
I guess I'm just frustrated of these extreme of being fervent for the Lord and then completely disowning Him so to speak. I often seek a rescue from it all. A rescue from myself. A need to be acknowledged and loved despite all my wickedness and shame. A reassurance that I'm not a mistake and despite my many mistakes that I am still loved. For some reason beyond me, God loves me. I hate myself. I hate who I am. I hate so much. I'm sorry. I'm getting rather emotional meaning sensitive. Crossing that point of comfort.
I'm sick of feeling worthless. Looking in the mirror and being my own worst critic. What is this? Why live this way? How does this help me at all? I think I'm dumb, ugly, fat, inadequate, and inferior.
Revelation 21:3-4
Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
(NIV Bible)
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself
I am nothing without Christ. He provides for me and carries me. I am so weak, yet He is strong.
I fail. Over and over again I fear. I fear the future. I fear myself and others. I'm afraid of being hurt, and I'm afraid of hurting myself and others as well. My emotions are often heavy, and I believe our emotions come from our thought processes. I need more positive, clear thinking.
In that book I most recently finished, it spoke about how the media influences us. I immediately thought of all the movies I watch here at the apt. and wonder how they are impacting my outlook on life and my values etc. Heather got NetFlicks, so there will be even more movies for me to select from. Movies can be very moving and deep, yet at the same time they can negatively influence us. They portray how life is or should be, and they spoon feed us lies repeatedly.
This verse gets to me, Matthew 6:21 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." It's speaking about money, and says that this world is temporary, but heaven everlasting. It will not fade as money and beauty surely will.
I'm very tired and sick. I have a sinus infection and wish the Sudafed would kick in more than it is. Nighty night.
I fail. Over and over again I fear. I fear the future. I fear myself and others. I'm afraid of being hurt, and I'm afraid of hurting myself and others as well. My emotions are often heavy, and I believe our emotions come from our thought processes. I need more positive, clear thinking.
In that book I most recently finished, it spoke about how the media influences us. I immediately thought of all the movies I watch here at the apt. and wonder how they are impacting my outlook on life and my values etc. Heather got NetFlicks, so there will be even more movies for me to select from. Movies can be very moving and deep, yet at the same time they can negatively influence us. They portray how life is or should be, and they spoon feed us lies repeatedly.
This verse gets to me, Matthew 6:21 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." It's speaking about money, and says that this world is temporary, but heaven everlasting. It will not fade as money and beauty surely will.
I'm very tired and sick. I have a sinus infection and wish the Sudafed would kick in more than it is. Nighty night.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Full Moon
No, I'm not referring to someone pulling down their pants to reveal their butt, but now that I brought it up, ha ha ha. Tonight was a full moon out and it was like orange-tinged. Pretty awesome. On nights like these I wish I could sleep outside with someone.
Anyways, walking at night is awesome. There's no doubt about how the night fascinates me. The darkness. The cool air. My best race time was at night, and it was because I felt comfortable. Well, I just have this love for the night time.
I look at the sky and wonder about God. I wonder why I was created and why He loves me. Why? I simply ask, Why? I feel so small, so worthless, so broken, yet He loves me despite it all. How great the love of the Father has lavished upon us that we can be called children of God. That's my paraphrase of that verse. His love amazes me.
So much of the time I think I have control, but I really don't. I have free will to make stupid choices, and I'm an expert on that :-/ Tonight I was thinking about death. My death actually. Pretending to be God, I have myself convinced that I'm going to die of Alzheimer's Disease. Whaaat? I'm being serious. Perhaps just thinking/believing that will cause it to become true hah! Anyways, when in nursing school, a prof taught us that Alzeheimer's is more seen in people with both depression and anxiety. I sat there trying not to ah freak out, but I'm like hmmm I have both of those greeeaattt. And ever since I hit puberty, my memory hasn't been the same. Along with all those changes I wrote about earlier I think the death of my grandma, first boyfriend dumped me, the move to a new house, new school, and having my body change, I didn't cope well and I believe that was the spark of my excessive thinking/worrying/confusion/distorted thinking.
The worst misplacement as of late would have to be my wallet. I had my wallet in the ah front pocket part of a hoodie. Smart idea from the beginning isn't it? Anyways, after looking in two stores, my wallet was laying on the side of the road!!!!! I also lost my debit card. I never found it, so I cancelled it, and got a new one. I also lost my keys too. Wow, I'm horrible. If I'm lucky enough to find a guy to be with, he has to have a lot of patience 'cuz my memory sucks. I'm trying to get better. I haven't lost anything within the past month, but I misplace things very easily. I get easily stressed out and panic and I'm not organized.
Okay, let's be honest here, I need someone with the patience of a saint! Anyways, I'm reading this pamphlet/book thing on suffering. I need to keep feeding myself truths instead of the many lies I have lived on. God allows suffering. Suffering is inevitable. Life isn't all happy go lucky. I have to accept this and trust God with my life. Despite feeling alone and a lack of direction and fear, I need to hold fast and trust that the God of the universe has all things under control. Nothing will be easy, but I don't need to walk around with hatred in my heart and a grudge against God for things that happen.
Each day is an opportunity. I need to take it as such and carry on no matter what happens. I might feel broken and ashamed, but I am not alone. Through all things, God is building my character and will provide. He already has provided me with so much. Anyways, I shall share some more at a later time :-)
Anyways, walking at night is awesome. There's no doubt about how the night fascinates me. The darkness. The cool air. My best race time was at night, and it was because I felt comfortable. Well, I just have this love for the night time.
I look at the sky and wonder about God. I wonder why I was created and why He loves me. Why? I simply ask, Why? I feel so small, so worthless, so broken, yet He loves me despite it all. How great the love of the Father has lavished upon us that we can be called children of God. That's my paraphrase of that verse. His love amazes me.
So much of the time I think I have control, but I really don't. I have free will to make stupid choices, and I'm an expert on that :-/ Tonight I was thinking about death. My death actually. Pretending to be God, I have myself convinced that I'm going to die of Alzheimer's Disease. Whaaat? I'm being serious. Perhaps just thinking/believing that will cause it to become true hah! Anyways, when in nursing school, a prof taught us that Alzeheimer's is more seen in people with both depression and anxiety. I sat there trying not to ah freak out, but I'm like hmmm I have both of those greeeaattt. And ever since I hit puberty, my memory hasn't been the same. Along with all those changes I wrote about earlier I think the death of my grandma, first boyfriend dumped me, the move to a new house, new school, and having my body change, I didn't cope well and I believe that was the spark of my excessive thinking/worrying/confusion/distorted thinking.
The worst misplacement as of late would have to be my wallet. I had my wallet in the ah front pocket part of a hoodie. Smart idea from the beginning isn't it? Anyways, after looking in two stores, my wallet was laying on the side of the road!!!!! I also lost my debit card. I never found it, so I cancelled it, and got a new one. I also lost my keys too. Wow, I'm horrible. If I'm lucky enough to find a guy to be with, he has to have a lot of patience 'cuz my memory sucks. I'm trying to get better. I haven't lost anything within the past month, but I misplace things very easily. I get easily stressed out and panic and I'm not organized.
Okay, let's be honest here, I need someone with the patience of a saint! Anyways, I'm reading this pamphlet/book thing on suffering. I need to keep feeding myself truths instead of the many lies I have lived on. God allows suffering. Suffering is inevitable. Life isn't all happy go lucky. I have to accept this and trust God with my life. Despite feeling alone and a lack of direction and fear, I need to hold fast and trust that the God of the universe has all things under control. Nothing will be easy, but I don't need to walk around with hatred in my heart and a grudge against God for things that happen.
Each day is an opportunity. I need to take it as such and carry on no matter what happens. I might feel broken and ashamed, but I am not alone. Through all things, God is building my character and will provide. He already has provided me with so much. Anyways, I shall share some more at a later time :-)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Here Comes the Rain Again
I stopped my relationship with God when all things feel through the summer of 2009. I was mad at God for all that has happened. Instead of clinging to Him and keeping my faith, I did the exact opposite. My heart hardened. I wasn't like Job. I wasn't as wise. In my stubborness, I turned away. It was the worst summer of my life. I let my circumstances impact my faith. I was angry at God for allowing my life to fall apart as it did. I didn't trust Him. I didn't trust anyone anymore. I felt worthless.
I got into a relationship with someone I was not meant to be with from the beginning. I knew this too. He wasn't a Christian and I went down that road AGAIN. I cannot be with a non-Christian and this isn't the first time I tried that relationship. I wasn't seeing clearly as I hadn't kept the faith. I saw him as a nice guy who cared about me and that was good enough. It's not. I have standards and he didn't meet all of them and we argued more than anyone I've ever been with. I submitted to him more than what's healthy, and in the end, I gained a lot of hurt from my poor choices. There are things that happened that I don't want to detail, but let's just say I gained hurt from them. God knows, and I pray that I can heal from the situations I put myself in and had to endure.
I've been suicidal on and off meaning suicidal thoughts. I actually had a plan, but never carried it out. Thank you Lord for saving me from all that. I know having a job, a place to stay, and a boyfriend will not satisfy my needs. Only the Lord can truly satisfy the desires of my heart. I started reading a book, and it spoke to me, and I finally gripped the fact that I needed to stop pretending to be someone I'm not. I needed to submit to God. I broke up with the guy, and I'm trying to grow with my relationship with the Lord. I'm trying to keep myself influence by godly things such as reading Christian books/bible, listening to sermons, reading articles, praying and Christian friends. I don't have many deep Christian friends, but I'm working on establishing that and I have called Pastor Lyon and opened up to him and Mrs. Lowe is always there for me too, and I recently called her. My parents are a wonderful influence as well. I love my family and friends. I'm very blessed.
Pastor Lyon's wife and daughter are headed to Chicago tomorrow, so I pray that they have a safe trip. Heather had to work 16hrs last night into today, and she heads back for another 8 hrs tonight! Nuts. I'm thinking of asking her to take me to Shiloh's night service tomorrow night 'cuz she has a Carver Hall meeting and I'd like to get a book about being single at shiloh and maybe attend their service at 6 I think it is. We'll see. Well, I'm going to head on a walk and call home. I just finished watching Good Will Hunting. It's one of my favorite movies.
I especially enjoy it because it shows how you have to find what your passion is and not necessarily what other people think you should do. I like how he went to counseling and he had some really good heart to hearts. I love opening up to people and them opening up to me. That's one of my passions is connecting with people on a deep level.
Well, I'm going to enjoy the night.
I got into a relationship with someone I was not meant to be with from the beginning. I knew this too. He wasn't a Christian and I went down that road AGAIN. I cannot be with a non-Christian and this isn't the first time I tried that relationship. I wasn't seeing clearly as I hadn't kept the faith. I saw him as a nice guy who cared about me and that was good enough. It's not. I have standards and he didn't meet all of them and we argued more than anyone I've ever been with. I submitted to him more than what's healthy, and in the end, I gained a lot of hurt from my poor choices. There are things that happened that I don't want to detail, but let's just say I gained hurt from them. God knows, and I pray that I can heal from the situations I put myself in and had to endure.
I've been suicidal on and off meaning suicidal thoughts. I actually had a plan, but never carried it out. Thank you Lord for saving me from all that. I know having a job, a place to stay, and a boyfriend will not satisfy my needs. Only the Lord can truly satisfy the desires of my heart. I started reading a book, and it spoke to me, and I finally gripped the fact that I needed to stop pretending to be someone I'm not. I needed to submit to God. I broke up with the guy, and I'm trying to grow with my relationship with the Lord. I'm trying to keep myself influence by godly things such as reading Christian books/bible, listening to sermons, reading articles, praying and Christian friends. I don't have many deep Christian friends, but I'm working on establishing that and I have called Pastor Lyon and opened up to him and Mrs. Lowe is always there for me too, and I recently called her. My parents are a wonderful influence as well. I love my family and friends. I'm very blessed.
Pastor Lyon's wife and daughter are headed to Chicago tomorrow, so I pray that they have a safe trip. Heather had to work 16hrs last night into today, and she heads back for another 8 hrs tonight! Nuts. I'm thinking of asking her to take me to Shiloh's night service tomorrow night 'cuz she has a Carver Hall meeting and I'd like to get a book about being single at shiloh and maybe attend their service at 6 I think it is. We'll see. Well, I'm going to head on a walk and call home. I just finished watching Good Will Hunting. It's one of my favorite movies.
I especially enjoy it because it shows how you have to find what your passion is and not necessarily what other people think you should do. I like how he went to counseling and he had some really good heart to hearts. I love opening up to people and them opening up to me. That's one of my passions is connecting with people on a deep level.
Well, I'm going to enjoy the night.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Am I lost in some Illusion?
Hmm. Where to begin? Well, I started sleeping on the floor, and this has been better than the couch. When I visited home this past week for a few days I slept on the floor there, and I slept okay, so I decided to try it here at the apt. I sleep on top of a comforter that's folded in half, so I get ultimate puffiness. Then, I sleep with this lavender fleece blanket. Fleece blankets are where it's at. I used to sleep with my afghan that I crocheted on top of my fleece blankets to add that extra weight, but this particular fleece blanket is larger than my other ones, so I don't think I necessarily need it.
Well, while talking to Mrs. Lowe last night during a break at work, it felt really good to confess things to someone and them understand and give their insights. I love having deep connections with people, and I know she cares. She's such a wise good-hearted person. I hope she enjoys the rest of her time visiting in Texas.
Well, I got a run in despite it pouring this morning and starting to rain at the conclusion of my run. I have a lot of stuff to do around the apt like cleaning and unpacking and organizing my crap. I want to finish writing my grandma (we're pen-pals again :-) ) and I want to finish reading my book. I think I have 20 or so pages left. I need to shower too. Heather will be back sometime tonight from her visit home.
I hope my sister's wedding dress shopping went well yesterday. My parents and grandparents are spending time in Atlantic City today, so I hope they have safe travels and enjoy their time there. Pastor Lyon's daughter heads back to school with the mother on Wednesday, so I hope they have safe travels as well. Pastor Lyon is teaching his three online graduate classes this fall, so when I asked him what prayer needs he had, he mentioned that too. I think that'd be quite busy teaching those classes and being a full-time head pastor at a church! Crazy. He's quite ambitious and does a fabulous job at what he does. He inspires me and I'm lucky to have him in my life.
No matter how broken we may feel, God has given me so much and the people in my life love me so much. I have to fight these lies that I'm worthless and alone. No matter how the world may judge me, I am God's child. Although I may feel destroyed, I am whole in Him. He will provide. I need to trust Him and not listen to the lies I have been so accustomed to listening to and giving in to. I need to live up to my name translation, "warrior" and fight. Take up the armor of God. That's in Ephesians 6 I think. Anyways, I smell, so I need to shower ha ha ha. Greeeaaat way to conclude this entry!
Well, while talking to Mrs. Lowe last night during a break at work, it felt really good to confess things to someone and them understand and give their insights. I love having deep connections with people, and I know she cares. She's such a wise good-hearted person. I hope she enjoys the rest of her time visiting in Texas.
Well, I got a run in despite it pouring this morning and starting to rain at the conclusion of my run. I have a lot of stuff to do around the apt like cleaning and unpacking and organizing my crap. I want to finish writing my grandma (we're pen-pals again :-) ) and I want to finish reading my book. I think I have 20 or so pages left. I need to shower too. Heather will be back sometime tonight from her visit home.
I hope my sister's wedding dress shopping went well yesterday. My parents and grandparents are spending time in Atlantic City today, so I hope they have safe travels and enjoy their time there. Pastor Lyon's daughter heads back to school with the mother on Wednesday, so I hope they have safe travels as well. Pastor Lyon is teaching his three online graduate classes this fall, so when I asked him what prayer needs he had, he mentioned that too. I think that'd be quite busy teaching those classes and being a full-time head pastor at a church! Crazy. He's quite ambitious and does a fabulous job at what he does. He inspires me and I'm lucky to have him in my life.
No matter how broken we may feel, God has given me so much and the people in my life love me so much. I have to fight these lies that I'm worthless and alone. No matter how the world may judge me, I am God's child. Although I may feel destroyed, I am whole in Him. He will provide. I need to trust Him and not listen to the lies I have been so accustomed to listening to and giving in to. I need to live up to my name translation, "warrior" and fight. Take up the armor of God. That's in Ephesians 6 I think. Anyways, I smell, so I need to shower ha ha ha. Greeeaaat way to conclude this entry!
What's in a Name?
There was conflict when my parents were deciding my name. My dad wanted Karen and my mom wanted Kelly. My mom had to endure the labor of delivering me, and my head got stuck, so I was trouble from the beginning. Fun fun. I was named Kelly. I think it means warrior in German. Most people assume I'm Irish because of being named Kelly, but I'm not Irish; yup, 0% Irish. I'm German though. From what I'm told, I'm some mixture of sorts: Polish, German, French, Italian, and Slovakian. Who knows. I mean, you can stereotype me a lot since I'm all those things, but I'll take it. Actually off the top of my head, I am very dumb, so the Polish is accurate and I'm loud and speak with my hands so the Italian is there too.
Ah, my legs are still cramping. It sucks. I eat bananas and take a multivitamin daily, so that should have solved the potassium deficit if that were the cause. I hydrate, so I don't think I'm dehydrated..another cause of leg cramps. I stretch and aren't running as much, so I'm just frustrated. It's always something, but I need to be grateful for what I have.
I lacked motivation today, so before work I didn't accomplish much. I mailed some stuff I was in need of mailing. I took a nice stroll to the post office in town. Now, I suck at wrapping/taping/cutting..the whole nine yards when it comes to preparing a gift or in this case a package. I purposely left this small, ah, shoebox sized package untaped because I trust the post office's taping skills over mine any day. Yet, the guy goes, "We don't do that here." I told him I'm horrible at it and he just stood there and witnessed first hand my awful tape job. I felt bummed out, I ask for help and he just stood there watching me make an idiot of myself. I guess he's just following the rules of his job, but I don't agree with them.
I took a break during work tonight and called Mrs. Lowe. She was in Texas, so my parents will just love that cell phone bill. I'm not sure how long we were on the phone, but it meant a lot to me. She's, well, it's always tough to thoroughly describe someone who is very special to you, but she's very loving, caring, empathetic, and nurturing. She's a very dedicated prayer, and I admire that about her. She told me that she still prays for me, and just knowing she prays for me makes my day a little brighter. She's very wise and encouraging, so I was glad to get a hold of her tonight.
My grandma prays for me too. She lights candles at her church or something for me. She also writes my name on this list or something for the congregation to pray for. I feel lucky to have people who care about me and know Christ. It's one thing for them to think about me and care about me and be there for me, but praying for me just melts my heart.
This Christian radio station back home in which I was a dedicated listener and wanted to work for had this Saturday night program. I called in and mentioned how I was upset about people judging me by my appearance. I started crying when I mentioned it so the last words had that higher pitch pause type of thing. The host prayed for me. I was so excited and touched by this. I ran into my parent's room, despite them being asleep, and told them with a big smile on my face that I was prayed for over the air!
"I am falling into grace into the unknown where You are and faith makes everybody scared it's the unknown they don't know that keeps me hanging on and on and on to You"-Lifehouse
I feel very stupid. I wish I were a lot different than I am. I'd like to trade with someone or maybe take parts from people and mold all the qualities I admire in other people and make a new person...a new me.
I guess I'll just try to accept all that I've done in this life and keep pressing onward. I'm just so ashamed. I can't bear it. I need to surrender myself to Jesus and let Him have my burdens. I just feel like I mess everything up and am a mess up.
I'd love a hug right now. I feel so alone, but I know I'm not alone. God loves me and will never leave me, yet I just want to fade if you get what I'm saying. I just don't want to go on sometimes. Right now I'm about to sleep and I would be okay with not waking up. I just feel so worthless.
All I feel right now is pain. Pain for who I am. I can't keep pretending things are okay right now. Oh here it goes. I'm going to just get this out there. Maybe it'll help me sleep and not be so worked up.
Let's start with college. Still haven't graduated. Withdrew from a course and returned this past fall, so fall of 2009 to attempt that course again...and withdrew...yet again. The first week of clinicals, the professor pulled me aside.....granted, I thought I worked my butt off that first week taking on more complex patients and patients with more meds than normal etc. and one day I didn't even take a lunch break because I was so busy. Anyways, she held me after post conference and basically said she's worried about my performance in clinicals. I agreed with some of the t hings she pointed out, but I really took it hard. It was really embarrassing because I started hysterically crying. This was the worst because I had cried infront of professors, but nothing like this. I couldn't talk. I got to the point of uncontrollable hycupping. This lasted for two hours. I think I called my parents, then Heather, then Brian. Something like that. I didn't go to class the next day and I soon withdrew. I didn't tell anyone aside from my roommates, family, and like two friends, and I up and did it. It was devastating to say the least. I still have that fear of "failing" or not being "good enough" and it's a consisten theme in my life. Being the middle child and constantly comparing myself to my siblings doesn't help either. Well, I have more to say but I'm rather tired.
I am not my own; I am His.
Ah, my legs are still cramping. It sucks. I eat bananas and take a multivitamin daily, so that should have solved the potassium deficit if that were the cause. I hydrate, so I don't think I'm dehydrated..another cause of leg cramps. I stretch and aren't running as much, so I'm just frustrated. It's always something, but I need to be grateful for what I have.
I lacked motivation today, so before work I didn't accomplish much. I mailed some stuff I was in need of mailing. I took a nice stroll to the post office in town. Now, I suck at wrapping/taping/cutting..the whole nine yards when it comes to preparing a gift or in this case a package. I purposely left this small, ah, shoebox sized package untaped because I trust the post office's taping skills over mine any day. Yet, the guy goes, "We don't do that here." I told him I'm horrible at it and he just stood there and witnessed first hand my awful tape job. I felt bummed out, I ask for help and he just stood there watching me make an idiot of myself. I guess he's just following the rules of his job, but I don't agree with them.
I took a break during work tonight and called Mrs. Lowe. She was in Texas, so my parents will just love that cell phone bill. I'm not sure how long we were on the phone, but it meant a lot to me. She's, well, it's always tough to thoroughly describe someone who is very special to you, but she's very loving, caring, empathetic, and nurturing. She's a very dedicated prayer, and I admire that about her. She told me that she still prays for me, and just knowing she prays for me makes my day a little brighter. She's very wise and encouraging, so I was glad to get a hold of her tonight.
My grandma prays for me too. She lights candles at her church or something for me. She also writes my name on this list or something for the congregation to pray for. I feel lucky to have people who care about me and know Christ. It's one thing for them to think about me and care about me and be there for me, but praying for me just melts my heart.
This Christian radio station back home in which I was a dedicated listener and wanted to work for had this Saturday night program. I called in and mentioned how I was upset about people judging me by my appearance. I started crying when I mentioned it so the last words had that higher pitch pause type of thing. The host prayed for me. I was so excited and touched by this. I ran into my parent's room, despite them being asleep, and told them with a big smile on my face that I was prayed for over the air!
"I am falling into grace into the unknown where You are and faith makes everybody scared it's the unknown they don't know that keeps me hanging on and on and on to You"-Lifehouse
I feel very stupid. I wish I were a lot different than I am. I'd like to trade with someone or maybe take parts from people and mold all the qualities I admire in other people and make a new person...a new me.
I guess I'll just try to accept all that I've done in this life and keep pressing onward. I'm just so ashamed. I can't bear it. I need to surrender myself to Jesus and let Him have my burdens. I just feel like I mess everything up and am a mess up.
I'd love a hug right now. I feel so alone, but I know I'm not alone. God loves me and will never leave me, yet I just want to fade if you get what I'm saying. I just don't want to go on sometimes. Right now I'm about to sleep and I would be okay with not waking up. I just feel so worthless.
All I feel right now is pain. Pain for who I am. I can't keep pretending things are okay right now. Oh here it goes. I'm going to just get this out there. Maybe it'll help me sleep and not be so worked up.
Let's start with college. Still haven't graduated. Withdrew from a course and returned this past fall, so fall of 2009 to attempt that course again...and withdrew...yet again. The first week of clinicals, the professor pulled me aside.....granted, I thought I worked my butt off that first week taking on more complex patients and patients with more meds than normal etc. and one day I didn't even take a lunch break because I was so busy. Anyways, she held me after post conference and basically said she's worried about my performance in clinicals. I agreed with some of the t hings she pointed out, but I really took it hard. It was really embarrassing because I started hysterically crying. This was the worst because I had cried infront of professors, but nothing like this. I couldn't talk. I got to the point of uncontrollable hycupping. This lasted for two hours. I think I called my parents, then Heather, then Brian. Something like that. I didn't go to class the next day and I soon withdrew. I didn't tell anyone aside from my roommates, family, and like two friends, and I up and did it. It was devastating to say the least. I still have that fear of "failing" or not being "good enough" and it's a consisten theme in my life. Being the middle child and constantly comparing myself to my siblings doesn't help either. Well, I have more to say but I'm rather tired.
I am not my own; I am His.
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