Unravel

Hey, not sure how long it's been since I last wrote. Anyways, it's snowing here. It started sometime this evening meaning 5 something. That's when I left the apt. for WalMart. I was surprised it had started at that time because when I had previously checked the weather the night before, it had predicted the snow to begin to fall around 8-9pm time frame. Patience is also a weakness of mine; therefore, I should not judge the snow for being impatient as well.

I haven't had any "bad" experiences driving in the snow in the instances I have gotten to thus far. The only one that was somewhat hazardous would be the person backing up into the street like a doofus and me breaking and sliding more forward than I thought I would in the snow. It wasn't a close call or anything, so no worries. I know that people will always drive like idiots, no matter what the weather. 

The other day, I did see someone doing doughnuts in the library/rec parking lot, and it made me laugh. I'm not sure if they were trying to impress someone in the car with them, trying to just do something funny for the hell of it, or have it be their way of saying, "FU" Bloomsburg University. I'm not sure. Hah. Whichever way, I enjoyed the sight.

While at WalMart, I had an incident I suppose you could categorize it as. The cashier, who didn't greet me, overcharged me. I noticed it after checking over my receipt while in the store, so I'm glad I didn't have to make a trip back there to redeem my money. She rang up two cauliflowers instead of two heads of lettuce. Each cauliflower bundle was $2.88 versus each head of lettuce being $1.58; therefore, the difference was $2.60.

Now, some people would be calm about this and not sweat it. However, I reacted by posting, it should be WalTARD instead of WalMart on my fb. I'm an angel; I know. It's just the combination of the cashier not greeting me and having the expression on your face that your work is the worst thing ever with the overcharging sent me through the roof. Yes, there was steam coming out of my ears. Then, the woman at customer service kept talking to a coworker while assisting me. I could see saying a few things but she was blabbing up a storm and I felt she wasn't concentrating on what she was doing nor acknowledging my presence.

Earlier in the day, I had donated blood at the Elks Lodge in Danville. I was directed to the table to sign-in and read over the educational materials about donating blood. The woman, an elderly woman, at the table was focused soley on her cell phone and updating some sort of feature and didn't make eye contact with me nor acknowledge my presence until she was done her cell phone whatever the crap. So this is how I thought, 'Okay, so your cell phone takes priority of a potential blood donor. I see that you don't want to save lives; you'd rather focus on your technology that probably serves as more of a barrier than a communication device.'

So that's my post, for now. Wonderful. I know. :-P

Who We Are

Tonight I was walking along a dark and uneven to say the least sidewalk. It reminded me of my life. A dark, uneven sidewalk that's walked upon. Isn't that nice.

Dark. Yes, I am a very negative person. Not only around other people, but especially around myself I tend to be very critical and depressing. I could achieve something fantastic and point out various flaws in it. People might say, "Wow! That was an amazing accomplishment!" I'll smile and be glad just to make them feel that I have accepted their congrats, yet in side, I have no grasp of such a thing. It's like throughout the day if I'm around people, I get so caught up in living up to their expectations. Then, when I crash at night, I think about my day, and I'm like what the hell was that? What happened? Where was I?

It's like when I was ashamed of having breasts in third grade. In that third grade picture I hunched so that my chest wouldn't show, yet it still did anyways :-( I was not proud of my body. I was not me. Who the hell was I? Where did I go? People tend to tell me that I have a beautiful smile, yet I feel it's all a lie. I have deceived them.

There's a song that has the lyrics, "If I could be like that, I'd give anything, Just to live one day, In those shoes" something like that. I think ah Three Doors Down sings it.

Chasing after the wind is a very good way of describing how I feel. Impossible.

Do you ever feel that you are impossible to please and that you fail whenever you try to please others? I feel that day in and day out, and it's exhausting.

"All she needs is that something to hold onto, that's all she needs"-Three Doors Down

I'm currently reading, "Walking in Victory," and it makes the point that we will forever be miserable if we base our worth off comparing ourselves to others. I fall into this trap. No one is perfect, and no one is constant like Jesus. His truths hold true. When we are broken His love never fails. Time and time again I feel desperate to be loved, yet I don't take the time to realize His love for me. All that He's done and will do for me is far more than I can imagine.

Well, on a less serious subject, they need to invent candles that smell like strawberry champagne. I had this Victoria's Secret strawberry champagne scented-lotion and I need a candle that smells like that oh man! I got a candle tonight that's hazelnut coffee scented so sweet. The current one I have is banana nut bread, but it's nearing its end.

Speaking of nearing its end, I shall depart now. Nighty night.

Silence the Lies

Not a fan of looking in the mirror. When I gaze into that face staring back at me, I'm left in a mystery. I close my eyes to end this day. What is all of this? Why is it here to stay?

Black

That's right. I'm listening to Pearl Jam's, "Black," as I type this. It's my favorite Pearl Jam song. Anyways, Max is cuddling with me on the couch :-D Yesssssssssssss.

Well, yesterday it snowed here, like, actually sticking and such. Nothing major, but it depresses me because it confirms that winter is surely on its way. Winter officially begin on the 21st I think. I could rant and rave about how much I hate the winter, but I'll save that for another time.

Right now I'm feeling anxious about the future. Tomorrow I move into my apt., so that in and of itself is an adjustment. My dad is lending me his vehicle for the semester, so that'll be an adjustment having a vehicle in my possession! Especially having it in the winter :-/ It just got inspected and didn't need anything significant just an oil change I believe. That's been on my mind, as well as the semester of course.

Now, I withdrew twice from this class, so I haven't even taken it for like one month if that. I know some things to expect, but it'll be new to me some of it as well. There will be new students for me to meet and I'm not sure what professors will all be involved, I mean I know most, but I'm not sure if anything has changed professor wise. The uniforms have changed, so luckily Katie was able to help me with that.

I'm looking forward to seeing people again. I'm so secluded living at home, and I hate it for that. I'll get to see Katie, Joel, possibly Megan, Briggs, Anna, Pastor Lyon & Barb, & Heather all within the first two days :-D I'll get to see people from church like the Shifflets, Meyers family, & Tim. So yeah, I'm looking forward to all that.

For some reason I get very anxious before new things. I'm just on edge right now for some reason and it's not like I should be, yet I am. I'm very sensitive to how people react to things, so I'm just nervous how all these people who I'll be interacting with will react to seeing me and hoping I don't say/do stupid things. I fear rejection and abandonment as far fetched as that is regarding these relationships, I fear that a lot.

Anyways, I wanna go running outside today, so I'm hoping the roads are ah okay around the neighborhood. I know the main roads are fine, but I mean I just don't wanna slip and break my skull ya know :-P That might be important to still keep intact.

Well, I'm going to watch some nursing skill videos, take Max out, and workout.
"When I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me, you make everything all right"-Train

I Don't Recognize My Face in the Mirror

I'm in bed listening to Tracy Chapman's, "Fast Car." It's an oldie but goodie. I'm not sure what it is about certain songs, but sometimes they just capture how I'm feeling. It doesn't have to be the lyrics either. Just the overall vibe I get from a song speaks to me or something.

I'm just feeling lonely. It's like even if I'm around people physically, emotionally I'm all over the place and feel out of control. It'll all be okay somehow. I just have all this fear and have trouble relaxing. It's to the point where I sleep so I stop thinking, but even when I sleep, I recall most of my dreams, and yes, the nightmares don't help.

I need a hug. I need to be reminded of the truth. I am not alone. I am not worthless. I am not broken. My feelings overwhelm me and have the power, if I don't surrender them to God and seek His wisdom, of destroying me.

Please God, help me to cling to You. Help me to cry out to You.

Stupid Stuff About Myself

-I have a fixation with odd numbers. I feel that they're superior to even numbers. I was born on October 5th. My name has five letters in it. My family has five members (including myself). My grandma (Dad's mom) was born on October 5th as well. And I have five digits on each limb of my body. Those are my five reasons for liking the odd number 5.

-My hands and feet get cold easily. In addition, various people have seen my lips turn purple while I'm in a swimming pool or just cold. My nose gets really red from blowing it or being in the cold, and I often refer to myself as Rudolph.

-I used to slow dance to music in my room with my teddy bear named Beary when I was little. It took me til my sophomore year of college to stop sleeping with a teddy bear. Although, last night and tonight I'm sleeping with a body pillow next to me. I recently woke up from a dream and realized I was hugging myself. I apparently have this need to be held.

-My grandma (Mom's mom) taught me how to crochet, and I have made several blankets.

-I like going to live musical performances everything from a coffeehouse to a big name artist concert. I've crowd surfed once, and I'd like to do it again. I've been to the following concerts: Lifehouse & Goo Goo Dolls, Breaking Benjamin, Paramore & Jimmy Eat World, Rancid & Rise Against. I have yet to experience Creation and would like to do that as well.

-I want to write a book about my life. Specifically being about my younger years and the various transitions and such. I really feel compelled to share with the youth some of the stuff I've been through in hope to inspire them to get help if they need it and to help others.

-I'm a dog person. Sandy was our first family dog. She was a terrier-mix, and we adopted her from our local S.P.C.A. They found her in Chester when she was just a few weeks old I think. I think we put her down May 4, 2009 at our vet. I flat out told my mom that I had to go be with Sandy until her very last breath. My mom wanted to protect me from experiencing that, but it's the most meaingful thing for me to have been by her side telling her I love her repeatedly until she took that last breath. The last sense that goes is hearing, so I needed to be there with her. I am tearing up writing this, but I will always love her. I took a nap with her in our yard when we first got her and from then on we had numerous bonding moments. The one night I almost slept in the bathroom with her. I was singing to her and she had her head in my lap. She'll always be my baby.

-I'm really not sure where to go after having written all that. I have the need to get things out of my head in order to feel somewhat sane. Sharing with others and having them share with me makes me feel loved. I need to talk to people everyday. I'm not one of those people who can be by themselves for long periods of time and be content with it all.

-Pearl Jam's "Black" is what I'm listening to right now. I don't own many CDs. I need to get someone to burn me a CD for when I drive, so that I'm not going crazy with the radio while driving. I can't stand having to change the dial every other song while listening to the radio. I like having music to drive to, but not just any crap that's on the radio nowadays. And for the record, Christmas music is so freakin annoying. Okay, so there are exceptions to that statement, but majority of Christmas music played on the radio makes me wanna gouge my eyes out. It's so fake and lovey dovey and jippity jumpity and I'm like screw this! And another note, I don't like that radio show Delilah. My mom had it on tonight while on the way to Kohl's and I made snoring noises while she read this letter from a listener. My mom got annoyed by me doing it and ripping the show apart doing impressions and such, but yeah ha ha.

-I'm not flexible, but I'm really good at Twister. I'm not sure how that works, but it's true.

-One of my favorite desserts to prepare is chocolate covered pretzels. I really like to eat soft pretzels. If I had to live off of soft pretzels, that would be perfectly fine with me. Granola or cereal and yogurt is really good too.

-I have a fixation with my eyelashes. It's been a habit of mine to pluck them very thin when I'm more stressed. Yeah. One of my therapists pointed that out to me that when I was more stressed, my eyebrows would be thinner. I pluck them so often that if I don't for a few days, it's like major eyebrow overload of hairs.

-I shaved my arms once just to see what it'd be like because the mother of a family I stayed with during the summer  flood shaved her arms 'cuz her husband liked how they felt. I was curious, but it wasn't all that great. I don't consider my arms too unbearably hairy, so I felt it wasn't necessary for me to keep doing.

Well, good night :-) hah

Inhale, Exhale

I'd love a hug. Hugs are so refreshing. I've worn a corset a couple times underneath dresses, and I really liked doing so because it felt like I was being hugged the entire time. Plus, it sucks you in.

Today while in the yard with Max, he just plopped down, and I decided to just let him do that and I crept down and sat with him hugging and petting him. He gave me some kisses. It was so beautiful out today.

When we got Sandy, our first dog, I took a nap with her in the side yard. I layed next to her and she snuggled up against me. I slept with Max in my bed the other night, but my mom doesn't want me doing that because she wants him to sleep downstairs on fleece blankets. Bah! There's something very special about having the warmth of someone next to you.

One of my favorite things to do to Max is to hug him and give him scratches. The hug is meant to reassure him that I love him and for him to feel the strength of my embrace. He's been growing so much behavior wise and physically! It's amazing.

I'm heading to the library soon with my dad. I'm going there in hope of renting, "Castaway" with Tom Hanks. Hopefully it'll work out.

Well, I'm heading out now. I might sleep with a stuffed animal tonight. I slept with a teddy bear til my sophomore year of college, but now I suppose you could say I'm relapsing. I had an awful nightmare last night and woke up in a sweat, so that was wonderful. Hopefully tonight will be much more pleasant.

My brother is arriving back home tomorrow, so I'm excited about that. My grandparents are coming in on Thursday. My mom had up ont he calendar Wed., but she just told me tonight that that's an error. That's what I get for giving into false advertisements.

Here's a song lyrics I like, "Here's to the nights we felt alive, Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry, Here's to goodbye tomorrow's gonna come too soon"-Eve 6