Tonight I was walking along a dark and uneven to say the least sidewalk. It reminded me of my life. A dark, uneven sidewalk that's walked upon. Isn't that nice.
Dark. Yes, I am a very negative person. Not only around other people, but especially around myself I tend to be very critical and depressing. I could achieve something fantastic and point out various flaws in it. People might say, "Wow! That was an amazing accomplishment!" I'll smile and be glad just to make them feel that I have accepted their congrats, yet in side, I have no grasp of such a thing. It's like throughout the day if I'm around people, I get so caught up in living up to their expectations. Then, when I crash at night, I think about my day, and I'm like what the hell was that? What happened? Where was I?
It's like when I was ashamed of having breasts in third grade. In that third grade picture I hunched so that my chest wouldn't show, yet it still did anyways :-( I was not proud of my body. I was not me. Who the hell was I? Where did I go? People tend to tell me that I have a beautiful smile, yet I feel it's all a lie. I have deceived them.
There's a song that has the lyrics, "If I could be like that, I'd give anything, Just to live one day, In those shoes" something like that. I think ah Three Doors Down sings it.
Chasing after the wind is a very good way of describing how I feel. Impossible.
Do you ever feel that you are impossible to please and that you fail whenever you try to please others? I feel that day in and day out, and it's exhausting.
"All she needs is that something to hold onto, that's all she needs"-Three Doors Down
I'm currently reading, "Walking in Victory," and it makes the point that we will forever be miserable if we base our worth off comparing ourselves to others. I fall into this trap. No one is perfect, and no one is constant like Jesus. His truths hold true. When we are broken His love never fails. Time and time again I feel desperate to be loved, yet I don't take the time to realize His love for me. All that He's done and will do for me is far more than I can imagine.
Well, on a less serious subject, they need to invent candles that smell like strawberry champagne. I had this Victoria's Secret strawberry champagne scented-lotion and I need a candle that smells like that oh man! I got a candle tonight that's hazelnut coffee scented so sweet. The current one I have is banana nut bread, but it's nearing its end.
Speaking of nearing its end, I shall depart now. Nighty night.
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