Black

That's right. I'm listening to Pearl Jam's, "Black," as I type this. It's my favorite Pearl Jam song. Anyways, Max is cuddling with me on the couch :-D Yesssssssssssss.

Well, yesterday it snowed here, like, actually sticking and such. Nothing major, but it depresses me because it confirms that winter is surely on its way. Winter officially begin on the 21st I think. I could rant and rave about how much I hate the winter, but I'll save that for another time.

Right now I'm feeling anxious about the future. Tomorrow I move into my apt., so that in and of itself is an adjustment. My dad is lending me his vehicle for the semester, so that'll be an adjustment having a vehicle in my possession! Especially having it in the winter :-/ It just got inspected and didn't need anything significant just an oil change I believe. That's been on my mind, as well as the semester of course.

Now, I withdrew twice from this class, so I haven't even taken it for like one month if that. I know some things to expect, but it'll be new to me some of it as well. There will be new students for me to meet and I'm not sure what professors will all be involved, I mean I know most, but I'm not sure if anything has changed professor wise. The uniforms have changed, so luckily Katie was able to help me with that.

I'm looking forward to seeing people again. I'm so secluded living at home, and I hate it for that. I'll get to see Katie, Joel, possibly Megan, Briggs, Anna, Pastor Lyon & Barb, & Heather all within the first two days :-D I'll get to see people from church like the Shifflets, Meyers family, & Tim. So yeah, I'm looking forward to all that.

For some reason I get very anxious before new things. I'm just on edge right now for some reason and it's not like I should be, yet I am. I'm very sensitive to how people react to things, so I'm just nervous how all these people who I'll be interacting with will react to seeing me and hoping I don't say/do stupid things. I fear rejection and abandonment as far fetched as that is regarding these relationships, I fear that a lot.

Anyways, I wanna go running outside today, so I'm hoping the roads are ah okay around the neighborhood. I know the main roads are fine, but I mean I just don't wanna slip and break my skull ya know :-P That might be important to still keep intact.

Well, I'm going to watch some nursing skill videos, take Max out, and workout.
"When I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me, you make everything all right"-Train

I Don't Recognize My Face in the Mirror

I'm in bed listening to Tracy Chapman's, "Fast Car." It's an oldie but goodie. I'm not sure what it is about certain songs, but sometimes they just capture how I'm feeling. It doesn't have to be the lyrics either. Just the overall vibe I get from a song speaks to me or something.

I'm just feeling lonely. It's like even if I'm around people physically, emotionally I'm all over the place and feel out of control. It'll all be okay somehow. I just have all this fear and have trouble relaxing. It's to the point where I sleep so I stop thinking, but even when I sleep, I recall most of my dreams, and yes, the nightmares don't help.

I need a hug. I need to be reminded of the truth. I am not alone. I am not worthless. I am not broken. My feelings overwhelm me and have the power, if I don't surrender them to God and seek His wisdom, of destroying me.

Please God, help me to cling to You. Help me to cry out to You.

Stupid Stuff About Myself

-I have a fixation with odd numbers. I feel that they're superior to even numbers. I was born on October 5th. My name has five letters in it. My family has five members (including myself). My grandma (Dad's mom) was born on October 5th as well. And I have five digits on each limb of my body. Those are my five reasons for liking the odd number 5.

-My hands and feet get cold easily. In addition, various people have seen my lips turn purple while I'm in a swimming pool or just cold. My nose gets really red from blowing it or being in the cold, and I often refer to myself as Rudolph.

-I used to slow dance to music in my room with my teddy bear named Beary when I was little. It took me til my sophomore year of college to stop sleeping with a teddy bear. Although, last night and tonight I'm sleeping with a body pillow next to me. I recently woke up from a dream and realized I was hugging myself. I apparently have this need to be held.

-My grandma (Mom's mom) taught me how to crochet, and I have made several blankets.

-I like going to live musical performances everything from a coffeehouse to a big name artist concert. I've crowd surfed once, and I'd like to do it again. I've been to the following concerts: Lifehouse & Goo Goo Dolls, Breaking Benjamin, Paramore & Jimmy Eat World, Rancid & Rise Against. I have yet to experience Creation and would like to do that as well.

-I want to write a book about my life. Specifically being about my younger years and the various transitions and such. I really feel compelled to share with the youth some of the stuff I've been through in hope to inspire them to get help if they need it and to help others.

-I'm a dog person. Sandy was our first family dog. She was a terrier-mix, and we adopted her from our local S.P.C.A. They found her in Chester when she was just a few weeks old I think. I think we put her down May 4, 2009 at our vet. I flat out told my mom that I had to go be with Sandy until her very last breath. My mom wanted to protect me from experiencing that, but it's the most meaingful thing for me to have been by her side telling her I love her repeatedly until she took that last breath. The last sense that goes is hearing, so I needed to be there with her. I am tearing up writing this, but I will always love her. I took a nap with her in our yard when we first got her and from then on we had numerous bonding moments. The one night I almost slept in the bathroom with her. I was singing to her and she had her head in my lap. She'll always be my baby.

-I'm really not sure where to go after having written all that. I have the need to get things out of my head in order to feel somewhat sane. Sharing with others and having them share with me makes me feel loved. I need to talk to people everyday. I'm not one of those people who can be by themselves for long periods of time and be content with it all.

-Pearl Jam's "Black" is what I'm listening to right now. I don't own many CDs. I need to get someone to burn me a CD for when I drive, so that I'm not going crazy with the radio while driving. I can't stand having to change the dial every other song while listening to the radio. I like having music to drive to, but not just any crap that's on the radio nowadays. And for the record, Christmas music is so freakin annoying. Okay, so there are exceptions to that statement, but majority of Christmas music played on the radio makes me wanna gouge my eyes out. It's so fake and lovey dovey and jippity jumpity and I'm like screw this! And another note, I don't like that radio show Delilah. My mom had it on tonight while on the way to Kohl's and I made snoring noises while she read this letter from a listener. My mom got annoyed by me doing it and ripping the show apart doing impressions and such, but yeah ha ha.

-I'm not flexible, but I'm really good at Twister. I'm not sure how that works, but it's true.

-One of my favorite desserts to prepare is chocolate covered pretzels. I really like to eat soft pretzels. If I had to live off of soft pretzels, that would be perfectly fine with me. Granola or cereal and yogurt is really good too.

-I have a fixation with my eyelashes. It's been a habit of mine to pluck them very thin when I'm more stressed. Yeah. One of my therapists pointed that out to me that when I was more stressed, my eyebrows would be thinner. I pluck them so often that if I don't for a few days, it's like major eyebrow overload of hairs.

-I shaved my arms once just to see what it'd be like because the mother of a family I stayed with during the summer  flood shaved her arms 'cuz her husband liked how they felt. I was curious, but it wasn't all that great. I don't consider my arms too unbearably hairy, so I felt it wasn't necessary for me to keep doing.

Well, good night :-) hah

Inhale, Exhale

I'd love a hug. Hugs are so refreshing. I've worn a corset a couple times underneath dresses, and I really liked doing so because it felt like I was being hugged the entire time. Plus, it sucks you in.

Today while in the yard with Max, he just plopped down, and I decided to just let him do that and I crept down and sat with him hugging and petting him. He gave me some kisses. It was so beautiful out today.

When we got Sandy, our first dog, I took a nap with her in the side yard. I layed next to her and she snuggled up against me. I slept with Max in my bed the other night, but my mom doesn't want me doing that because she wants him to sleep downstairs on fleece blankets. Bah! There's something very special about having the warmth of someone next to you.

One of my favorite things to do to Max is to hug him and give him scratches. The hug is meant to reassure him that I love him and for him to feel the strength of my embrace. He's been growing so much behavior wise and physically! It's amazing.

I'm heading to the library soon with my dad. I'm going there in hope of renting, "Castaway" with Tom Hanks. Hopefully it'll work out.

Well, I'm heading out now. I might sleep with a stuffed animal tonight. I slept with a teddy bear til my sophomore year of college, but now I suppose you could say I'm relapsing. I had an awful nightmare last night and woke up in a sweat, so that was wonderful. Hopefully tonight will be much more pleasant.

My brother is arriving back home tomorrow, so I'm excited about that. My grandparents are coming in on Thursday. My mom had up ont he calendar Wed., but she just told me tonight that that's an error. That's what I get for giving into false advertisements.

Here's a song lyrics I like, "Here's to the nights we felt alive, Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry, Here's to goodbye tomorrow's gonna come too soon"-Eve 6

You're Everything

I worry. There's often a lot on my mind. I worry about myself and other people. There's a lot going on with myself and others, and I just get consumed by it all.

The conflicts remain: man vs. man and man vs. himself. What am I talking about? Let's walk.

Man vs. man would be my struggles with other people. I often want the change them or have them see things my way. I ultimately want to control them, yet I do not have that power. Sure, you can influence other people, but they must decide to change. When someone wrongs me, I often want them to suffer themselves. How do two wrongs make a right?

There will always be people who piss me off for various reasons, but it's how I react that matters, not necessarily how they piss me off. What do I do with the anger and rage that results from their actions? What do I do with that energy? Do I let it harden my heart, or do I surrender it to God and ask for strength to love them? The Bible says to pray for your enemies and bless those who persecute you bless and do not curse. I need to be patient in affliction. Love is not easily angered, so I need to ask God to grant me a forgiving, patient, loving heart for others instead of letting their actions get the best of me.

I find working out is a great way for me to deal with anger. I think it lets me be alone and focus on my thoughts. It puts me in a better mood partly due to the endorphins released and feeling more awake and aware.

Next, man vs. himself. These would be in inner conflicts. My main one is fear. It pretty much covers all my others ones. It kinda is the stem of my other conflicts if you will. I fear being a disappointment to myself and other people. I fear what others think of me, and I quite frankly vary throughout the day how I feel about myself. At some points I'm content and okay with who I am, but then I'll fall into a depression and think I'm worthless and wanna crawl in a hole or something and hide. I feel a lot of pressure to prove myself in this world. I'm not sure why, but it's there. I often feel I have to earn other's love and prove I'm worthy of their love, yet I know this isn't true. I have a great fear of being abandoned. I have such a need to be loved, yet I fear I will somehow f-things up, and my loved ones will flee from me. It's like I love getting close to people, yet at the same time I'm afraid I'll say/do something that'll push them away. I'm in this constant bind of fear.

The Goo Goo Dolls have a song lyric that captures a strong point, "The end of fear is where we begin, The moment we decided to let love in." Despite having heart ache and rejection in the past, I can't let it hold me back from my future experiences. I've made mistakes, but I just need to learn from them and use them to help me grow. The memories may stick with me, but they will not defeat me.

One day all things will be new. This is my hope. The Lord will never leave nor forsake me. He loves me despite it all. He wants me for me. Through His power I can do all things. He makes me new. He restores, disciplines and builds.  Lord, please help me to grow from my past and not dwell on it and let it hinder my present and future. Help me to seek You throughout my day. Help me to keep Your wisdom in my heart at all times. Help me to surrender my struggles to You and to glorify You in my life. Yours, Kelly

You Are More

So, I'm listening to some Tenth Avenue North, and they're actually performing this Saturday in Newark, DE. It's a free concert, and I wish I could go, but highly doubt it'll work out. I'm just blessed to be able to access their music via youtube and on the radio at TheReachFM.

Music is very interesting when you think about it. There are various messages sent forth from it, and it's interesting why we like certain genres vs. others. When you take the time to listen and analyze lyrics of songs, sometimes I feel very foolish for liking a song, but then at other times, I'm like in awe of how powerful the messages of certain songs truly are.

Right now, I'm ping-ponging between Tenth Avenue North's, "By Your Side," and, "You Are More." Sometimes I listen and listen to songs until I learn the lyrics and perhaps I need to reinforcement of truths because I'm in the midst of battling lies. Right now I'm kinda down and feeling lonely and lost, so I'm listening to these songs for that rescue.

Romans 8:37-39 is what I cling to as well while in these moments of ah lowness you could say: No, in all these things we are more than conquerers through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I have a yearning to held right now. I feel like a need of confirmation that I'm loved. It's all right infront of me though, God is here with me, and I'm not alone. Why do I feel all alone despite Him being with me?

Lord, please rejuvenate me as I feel so weak right now. Please help me in my weaknesses. Help me cling to Your love and Your truths. Please rescue me as I am tempted to give up right now. Please rescue me and help me submit to You. In Your precious name, Amen.

Time

For many many years I have felt like an older person in a younger person's body. My psychologist told me this as well. She told me that I had an "old soul." I think I just matured before I was ready to emotionally and physically.

I distinctly remember in 5th grade not being able to answer simple questions. While at a friend's house, her mom asked what I wanted to drink, and I couldn't decide, I was so worried what she would think about what I would choose, and trying to decide what "the right" answer was. I think I finally went with whatever the friend chose. That's when I remember my overanalyzing/worrying beginning in my life.

Why am I bringing this up? Well, I felt like that again tonight. Around a group of people at a party, I had some of those same fears arise. I didn't know some of the people there, and I in a way let it get the best of me. I was fearful. It was like middle school all over again trying to prove myself or trying to fit in or whatever awkwardness you choose to rationalize that awful spurt of time.

This might sound grim, just a heads up, but you know how people tell you, "Enjoy your high school years; they're the best time of your life." Or, "Enjoy your college experience; it'll be the best time of your life." I'm sick of those lies. I'm not just here to complain about those years and my life, but I must say that building me up to hold those years in such esteem is not accurate, nor should there be a specific time of your life when it should be "the best." In my eyes, and this is the truth, the best years of my life, will be when I'm dead. Simply because I will be reunited with my Father in heaven and everything will be new and different. No longer will I be on this earth slaving away and locked in this shameful sinful body.

I'd like to encourage people and tell them to enjoy certain experiences and opportunities, but I don't think one should lead them astray with high standards for a specific period of time in their life. For me, each day is completely new. Some are better than others, but it is what it is.

I've seen how drastically life can change in an instant for better for worse. This leaves me to conclude that we can't live in fear. Right now I'm fearful of quite a few things. If something weighs on my heart, it is guilt. I need to confess to the Lord these feelings of guilt and why I feel full of them most of the time.

It's very easy for me to compare and contrast myself to others and I'd say most of the time they win. For instance, being a middle child, I tend to feel in the shadow of my older sister. I feel that my older sister and younger brother both outdo me tenfold. I don't even want to begin because that'd be a post in and of itself. It's just I wish I didn't feel that way, yet it truly gets the best of me. I don't know how many times a day I catch myself in the bathroom, catch a glimpse of myself, and wonder, 'Who the hell is that?' I really don't know. It's like I feel caught in that identify vs. role confusion of adolescence. Yet, according to my age, I should be in intimacy vs. isolation stage of the Erickson's stages of development.

And I keep thinking, one day things'll make sense. One day things'll be different. My doctor thinks once I finish school, I might be able to be free from my medication. I'd like that, but I have doubts that I'll be able to accomplish that. And yes, I feel less of a person for having to be on daily medication. And yes, that was brought up tonight at the party because I shared how I can't drink and I said it's due to medication which lead to asking what I'm on. Sigh. I felt like crying when admitting to it all infront of people, but I'm not going to not answer a question. I don't know. I just feel people are ashamed of me and yet I'm ashamed of myself, so it'd make sense why.

Why am I measuring myself to the world's standards all the time? Why do I feel worthless because I don't have a college degree? I don't have a job currently. I don't have many friends who live near me. I'm not very talented at anything. I'm average at a lot of things, but what's with being average. If you'd ask me something I'm good at or like about myself, I really can't think of anything. Wow. Heh.

I collect stickers. I think they're fun to decorate cards and letters, scrapbooks, envelopes with etc. But then, I feel so boring admitting that I enjoy collecting and decorating things with stickers.

I haven't gotten my period this month yet. I suppose I still have two more days, but it's over a week late, so hopefully it'll arrive. Another thing to add to my list of worries. :-/

Going back to school stresses me out. The clinicals are quite demanding all the paperwork, prep, being quizzed by your professor, performing the skills on patients, and giving medications, and completing the charting. I'm trying to think positively, yet fear is consuming me.

I'm going to talk to Joel now. Thanks for listening to me blab. I could use a hug.