You're Everything

I worry. There's often a lot on my mind. I worry about myself and other people. There's a lot going on with myself and others, and I just get consumed by it all.

The conflicts remain: man vs. man and man vs. himself. What am I talking about? Let's walk.

Man vs. man would be my struggles with other people. I often want the change them or have them see things my way. I ultimately want to control them, yet I do not have that power. Sure, you can influence other people, but they must decide to change. When someone wrongs me, I often want them to suffer themselves. How do two wrongs make a right?

There will always be people who piss me off for various reasons, but it's how I react that matters, not necessarily how they piss me off. What do I do with the anger and rage that results from their actions? What do I do with that energy? Do I let it harden my heart, or do I surrender it to God and ask for strength to love them? The Bible says to pray for your enemies and bless those who persecute you bless and do not curse. I need to be patient in affliction. Love is not easily angered, so I need to ask God to grant me a forgiving, patient, loving heart for others instead of letting their actions get the best of me.

I find working out is a great way for me to deal with anger. I think it lets me be alone and focus on my thoughts. It puts me in a better mood partly due to the endorphins released and feeling more awake and aware.

Next, man vs. himself. These would be in inner conflicts. My main one is fear. It pretty much covers all my others ones. It kinda is the stem of my other conflicts if you will. I fear being a disappointment to myself and other people. I fear what others think of me, and I quite frankly vary throughout the day how I feel about myself. At some points I'm content and okay with who I am, but then I'll fall into a depression and think I'm worthless and wanna crawl in a hole or something and hide. I feel a lot of pressure to prove myself in this world. I'm not sure why, but it's there. I often feel I have to earn other's love and prove I'm worthy of their love, yet I know this isn't true. I have a great fear of being abandoned. I have such a need to be loved, yet I fear I will somehow f-things up, and my loved ones will flee from me. It's like I love getting close to people, yet at the same time I'm afraid I'll say/do something that'll push them away. I'm in this constant bind of fear.

The Goo Goo Dolls have a song lyric that captures a strong point, "The end of fear is where we begin, The moment we decided to let love in." Despite having heart ache and rejection in the past, I can't let it hold me back from my future experiences. I've made mistakes, but I just need to learn from them and use them to help me grow. The memories may stick with me, but they will not defeat me.

One day all things will be new. This is my hope. The Lord will never leave nor forsake me. He loves me despite it all. He wants me for me. Through His power I can do all things. He makes me new. He restores, disciplines and builds.  Lord, please help me to grow from my past and not dwell on it and let it hinder my present and future. Help me to seek You throughout my day. Help me to keep Your wisdom in my heart at all times. Help me to surrender my struggles to You and to glorify You in my life. Yours, Kelly