Inhale, Exhale

I'd love a hug. Hugs are so refreshing. I've worn a corset a couple times underneath dresses, and I really liked doing so because it felt like I was being hugged the entire time. Plus, it sucks you in.

Today while in the yard with Max, he just plopped down, and I decided to just let him do that and I crept down and sat with him hugging and petting him. He gave me some kisses. It was so beautiful out today.

When we got Sandy, our first dog, I took a nap with her in the side yard. I layed next to her and she snuggled up against me. I slept with Max in my bed the other night, but my mom doesn't want me doing that because she wants him to sleep downstairs on fleece blankets. Bah! There's something very special about having the warmth of someone next to you.

One of my favorite things to do to Max is to hug him and give him scratches. The hug is meant to reassure him that I love him and for him to feel the strength of my embrace. He's been growing so much behavior wise and physically! It's amazing.

I'm heading to the library soon with my dad. I'm going there in hope of renting, "Castaway" with Tom Hanks. Hopefully it'll work out.

Well, I'm heading out now. I might sleep with a stuffed animal tonight. I slept with a teddy bear til my sophomore year of college, but now I suppose you could say I'm relapsing. I had an awful nightmare last night and woke up in a sweat, so that was wonderful. Hopefully tonight will be much more pleasant.

My brother is arriving back home tomorrow, so I'm excited about that. My grandparents are coming in on Thursday. My mom had up ont he calendar Wed., but she just told me tonight that that's an error. That's what I get for giving into false advertisements.

Here's a song lyrics I like, "Here's to the nights we felt alive, Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry, Here's to goodbye tomorrow's gonna come too soon"-Eve 6

You're Everything

I worry. There's often a lot on my mind. I worry about myself and other people. There's a lot going on with myself and others, and I just get consumed by it all.

The conflicts remain: man vs. man and man vs. himself. What am I talking about? Let's walk.

Man vs. man would be my struggles with other people. I often want the change them or have them see things my way. I ultimately want to control them, yet I do not have that power. Sure, you can influence other people, but they must decide to change. When someone wrongs me, I often want them to suffer themselves. How do two wrongs make a right?

There will always be people who piss me off for various reasons, but it's how I react that matters, not necessarily how they piss me off. What do I do with the anger and rage that results from their actions? What do I do with that energy? Do I let it harden my heart, or do I surrender it to God and ask for strength to love them? The Bible says to pray for your enemies and bless those who persecute you bless and do not curse. I need to be patient in affliction. Love is not easily angered, so I need to ask God to grant me a forgiving, patient, loving heart for others instead of letting their actions get the best of me.

I find working out is a great way for me to deal with anger. I think it lets me be alone and focus on my thoughts. It puts me in a better mood partly due to the endorphins released and feeling more awake and aware.

Next, man vs. himself. These would be in inner conflicts. My main one is fear. It pretty much covers all my others ones. It kinda is the stem of my other conflicts if you will. I fear being a disappointment to myself and other people. I fear what others think of me, and I quite frankly vary throughout the day how I feel about myself. At some points I'm content and okay with who I am, but then I'll fall into a depression and think I'm worthless and wanna crawl in a hole or something and hide. I feel a lot of pressure to prove myself in this world. I'm not sure why, but it's there. I often feel I have to earn other's love and prove I'm worthy of their love, yet I know this isn't true. I have a great fear of being abandoned. I have such a need to be loved, yet I fear I will somehow f-things up, and my loved ones will flee from me. It's like I love getting close to people, yet at the same time I'm afraid I'll say/do something that'll push them away. I'm in this constant bind of fear.

The Goo Goo Dolls have a song lyric that captures a strong point, "The end of fear is where we begin, The moment we decided to let love in." Despite having heart ache and rejection in the past, I can't let it hold me back from my future experiences. I've made mistakes, but I just need to learn from them and use them to help me grow. The memories may stick with me, but they will not defeat me.

One day all things will be new. This is my hope. The Lord will never leave nor forsake me. He loves me despite it all. He wants me for me. Through His power I can do all things. He makes me new. He restores, disciplines and builds.  Lord, please help me to grow from my past and not dwell on it and let it hinder my present and future. Help me to seek You throughout my day. Help me to keep Your wisdom in my heart at all times. Help me to surrender my struggles to You and to glorify You in my life. Yours, Kelly

You Are More

So, I'm listening to some Tenth Avenue North, and they're actually performing this Saturday in Newark, DE. It's a free concert, and I wish I could go, but highly doubt it'll work out. I'm just blessed to be able to access their music via youtube and on the radio at TheReachFM.

Music is very interesting when you think about it. There are various messages sent forth from it, and it's interesting why we like certain genres vs. others. When you take the time to listen and analyze lyrics of songs, sometimes I feel very foolish for liking a song, but then at other times, I'm like in awe of how powerful the messages of certain songs truly are.

Right now, I'm ping-ponging between Tenth Avenue North's, "By Your Side," and, "You Are More." Sometimes I listen and listen to songs until I learn the lyrics and perhaps I need to reinforcement of truths because I'm in the midst of battling lies. Right now I'm kinda down and feeling lonely and lost, so I'm listening to these songs for that rescue.

Romans 8:37-39 is what I cling to as well while in these moments of ah lowness you could say: No, in all these things we are more than conquerers through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I have a yearning to held right now. I feel like a need of confirmation that I'm loved. It's all right infront of me though, God is here with me, and I'm not alone. Why do I feel all alone despite Him being with me?

Lord, please rejuvenate me as I feel so weak right now. Please help me in my weaknesses. Help me cling to Your love and Your truths. Please rescue me as I am tempted to give up right now. Please rescue me and help me submit to You. In Your precious name, Amen.

Time

For many many years I have felt like an older person in a younger person's body. My psychologist told me this as well. She told me that I had an "old soul." I think I just matured before I was ready to emotionally and physically.

I distinctly remember in 5th grade not being able to answer simple questions. While at a friend's house, her mom asked what I wanted to drink, and I couldn't decide, I was so worried what she would think about what I would choose, and trying to decide what "the right" answer was. I think I finally went with whatever the friend chose. That's when I remember my overanalyzing/worrying beginning in my life.

Why am I bringing this up? Well, I felt like that again tonight. Around a group of people at a party, I had some of those same fears arise. I didn't know some of the people there, and I in a way let it get the best of me. I was fearful. It was like middle school all over again trying to prove myself or trying to fit in or whatever awkwardness you choose to rationalize that awful spurt of time.

This might sound grim, just a heads up, but you know how people tell you, "Enjoy your high school years; they're the best time of your life." Or, "Enjoy your college experience; it'll be the best time of your life." I'm sick of those lies. I'm not just here to complain about those years and my life, but I must say that building me up to hold those years in such esteem is not accurate, nor should there be a specific time of your life when it should be "the best." In my eyes, and this is the truth, the best years of my life, will be when I'm dead. Simply because I will be reunited with my Father in heaven and everything will be new and different. No longer will I be on this earth slaving away and locked in this shameful sinful body.

I'd like to encourage people and tell them to enjoy certain experiences and opportunities, but I don't think one should lead them astray with high standards for a specific period of time in their life. For me, each day is completely new. Some are better than others, but it is what it is.

I've seen how drastically life can change in an instant for better for worse. This leaves me to conclude that we can't live in fear. Right now I'm fearful of quite a few things. If something weighs on my heart, it is guilt. I need to confess to the Lord these feelings of guilt and why I feel full of them most of the time.

It's very easy for me to compare and contrast myself to others and I'd say most of the time they win. For instance, being a middle child, I tend to feel in the shadow of my older sister. I feel that my older sister and younger brother both outdo me tenfold. I don't even want to begin because that'd be a post in and of itself. It's just I wish I didn't feel that way, yet it truly gets the best of me. I don't know how many times a day I catch myself in the bathroom, catch a glimpse of myself, and wonder, 'Who the hell is that?' I really don't know. It's like I feel caught in that identify vs. role confusion of adolescence. Yet, according to my age, I should be in intimacy vs. isolation stage of the Erickson's stages of development.

And I keep thinking, one day things'll make sense. One day things'll be different. My doctor thinks once I finish school, I might be able to be free from my medication. I'd like that, but I have doubts that I'll be able to accomplish that. And yes, I feel less of a person for having to be on daily medication. And yes, that was brought up tonight at the party because I shared how I can't drink and I said it's due to medication which lead to asking what I'm on. Sigh. I felt like crying when admitting to it all infront of people, but I'm not going to not answer a question. I don't know. I just feel people are ashamed of me and yet I'm ashamed of myself, so it'd make sense why.

Why am I measuring myself to the world's standards all the time? Why do I feel worthless because I don't have a college degree? I don't have a job currently. I don't have many friends who live near me. I'm not very talented at anything. I'm average at a lot of things, but what's with being average. If you'd ask me something I'm good at or like about myself, I really can't think of anything. Wow. Heh.

I collect stickers. I think they're fun to decorate cards and letters, scrapbooks, envelopes with etc. But then, I feel so boring admitting that I enjoy collecting and decorating things with stickers.

I haven't gotten my period this month yet. I suppose I still have two more days, but it's over a week late, so hopefully it'll arrive. Another thing to add to my list of worries. :-/

Going back to school stresses me out. The clinicals are quite demanding all the paperwork, prep, being quizzed by your professor, performing the skills on patients, and giving medications, and completing the charting. I'm trying to think positively, yet fear is consuming me.

I'm going to talk to Joel now. Thanks for listening to me blab. I could use a hug.

I will never leave nor forsake you

So, I just typed half an entry, then got kicked out of here. That's fun.

Anyways, I remember being in middle school and going to this camp with the church youth. A family owned the property in Reading, PA. It was this large woodsy area with cabins, trails, a pond, baseball field, and like pavillions. It was so great going out at night to use the outhouse. The showers were chilly, but they were showers. I just took waaay quicker than normal showers.

One night at chapel, a drama was performed. It was very powerful and portrayed the amazing love God has for us. A large group of the youth were bawling after the conclusion of it. We were just so struck by how God could love us despite our shame. We were in awe of it.

Reminds me of this. Romans 8:38-39
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I often feel that I don't deserve the love given to me. I don't even know how to start to describe the love of my family and friends. Despite all my shortcomings, they've embraced me, and have taken me into their loving arms.

God knows everything. He knows what I do in the light and in the dark. He knows my thoughts, and my needs before I even ask for His assistance. And yet, He loves me through it all. That reminds me of another verse. 1 John 3: 1 How great is the love the Father has lavished upon us, that we should be called children of God. Also, 1 John 4:19 We love because He first loved us.

I seek to love as the Lord has loved me. 1 John 4:15-16 If anyone acknowledges that Jesus it he Son of God. God lives in him and he in God. And we know and rely on the love God has for us.

That's all folks. At least for now. Have a great morning/evening/night depending upon when you have read this.

Here I am

So, I was running up a hill today while a man in a truck drove by, and I inhaled his cigar aroma. mmmmmm.

I'm not sure what I think about that saying, the more things change the more they stay the same.

I'm also not sure how nicely sculpted biceps became nicknamed "guns."

I just watched something on the news about the largest rodent, in, I think the U.S. It looked like a huge guinea pig. There's a huge dog in my neighborhood that's white. I'm not a fan of insanely huge ah animals. Like rodents are typically small and then this one is huuuuge and then dogs vary but this particular dog is larger than me.

My sister got me this pink zip up fleece for my birthday, and she got me a green one years ago, and at first I don't like the color, but then they grow on me. I'm addicted to this one now. I have a grey one from a coworker as well, but this pink one is better quality. I'm in it right now. Yay for warmth. mmmm.

Balloon art meaning animals, flowers, etc. Awesome. I remember Beth got a monkey that had his arms around her. The best is the recipients' faces when they receive the art from the magician/artist. Those are moments I cherish. Seeing contentment, joy, expressions that someone is loved.

Hold me close and forever.

Pour out the depths of your soul

So, I'm sitting here hydrating before my workout and keeping an eye on Max. He's been good so far today. I'm glad I have him with me. My mom calls me his girlfriend. She's like, "Is that your girlfriend?" "Go get your girlfriend!" It's funny.

I'm not sure what I'll do workout wise today. I'm still sore from the race yesterday, but I wanted to increase my mileage this week, but I doubt I'll do it today. We'll see how I feel. I wanna lift today too, so I think I might do what I did last week and increase maybe Wed and Friday.

So I'm reading Romans, and today I'm on chapter 6. I'll just highlight something. Romans 6:4 We were therefore buried with Him through baptism into death in order that just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. And this, Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I love the illustration of that closeness. I mean to be made in His likeness I think of like physical features, but this highlights our souls. It's like He's my oxygen. Every breath, and every moment is granted because of His unconditional love. How amazing is that?! I made so many mistakes and am so selfish, yet He died for me! He took my place despite me cursing Him. This overwhelms in a very very good way. It's hard to comprehend. It's beyond my comprehension really.

I struggle with fear, but the one thing I do not fear is my reunion with Jesus in heaven when my body gives way. That's something I can cling to. Despite all that may happen, I can trust in that.

A lil' poem: When I fail, When I fall, When I let people down, And feel more of a fool than alive at all
When I attempt to do things on my own strength
When I forget who I am and jump into pits of sinking sand
When I hide from everyone and everything because I can't take it
When I need a hug and someone to wipe my tears
You love me the same

When I speak out of turn and lash out in anger despite having dirt in my own eyes
When I think things should go a certain way and I get frustrated when they aren't
When I pretend to be someone I'm not and idolize others and things
When I'm enslaved to my body and its desires
When I desperately need to truth to protect and heal me yet am not receptive
You love me the same

Thank You Lord for loving me despite my wicked ways. Teach me, discipline me, renew me, and search me. Grant me a pure heart and a desire to worship You all of my days. Help me love for You grow and grow and let it radiate. Help me not feel alone. Help me to seek You and follow You. In Your holy name, Amen.