Ever Think You'd Rather Be Anything Else Than Be

One day. One day things will be different. One day things will be worthwhile. One day I will feel alive. One day I will be someone. I will be loved. I will be okay with existing. When? When will things change? When will I change? 


Is life just a living happily ever after that we're just waiting around for? What am I doing with my life? Why do I make no progress? Why am I such a waste? 


Lord, I feel I am nothing. I am discouraged. Please heal my heart and help me to know that You are who I am to define myself by. I am Your child. I am beaten, broken, and bleeding. Please heal my heart. 

I give You all that I am

I am not quite sure how I'm feeling lately. I passed my boards, and that's fine and everything, but at the same time I still am clenched with fear. 


I don't feel as much anymore. I just feel "blah" if you will. At times I feel alive, but I've felt more dead than alive. Sigh. There's gotta be something to look forward to. 


I'm going to miss Lissa so much. She's leaving soon for her military training and then to be stationed as an Army nurse. Damn. I really enjoy our friendship, and I'm scared of not having any friends around here. I'll be living with two girls and a DOG soon; this Tuesday to be exact, but I still feel alone. 


At times I wish people would just understand me and love me for who I am and despite my flaws and I just fear what they think. I don't have that peace of contentment. I feel I always have to prove myself and earn people's love. 


Note to self: don't look through Jeremy pictures at night when you're missing him. 
Good night to all and to all a good night. 

SWEET!

I am a Registered Nurse! :-D

Judgment Day

So today I take the NCLEX (nursing boards). I had a dream last night that I passed them :-) I hope that dream comes true! I take them in Scranton. I'm going to get there around noon hopefully and they say they let you take them early. 


I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Phil 4:13

Anger

So I've had a midst of anger recently, well, okay, I'm an angry person I suppose would be a better description.

Today, I had an annoying woman talking to me while I was in line at Aldi's. I went running and an immature, high school kid driving a truck, compensation for having a small penis, almost killed me due to not signaling and making a drastic turn at the town park. While on that run, I did receive a compliment. I think it was one at least. This guy drove by and raised his coffee mug at me. It was cute. It made me smile.

I hope life gets better in terms of various aspects. I'm kinda down in the dumps. I'm still going through the motions, but even doing that is a challenge at times.

And Like a Boat Out on the Ocean, I'm Rocking You to Sleep

Yes, the subject is a Billy Joel song lyric. I enjoy this song. Right now I have mixed emotions regarding this song. In one sense it's a beautiful love song, and yet, in my life, I haven't had a beautiful love song. I've had many upon many shattered dreams and hearts of mine and his. I know this life isn't supposed to be perfect. It's often referred to as a fallen world. 


I know that nothing can separate me from the love of Christ, yet I often feel like the awful things I do in any given day are awful enough to forever keep me from Him. It's a battle between my knowledge (head) and feelings (heart). 


I think one of the reasons why I love dogs so much is that they are very affectionate, loyal, fun, and smart. When Sandy was around, she comforted me when I cried. I would sing her to sleep. She'd cuddle with me in my bed and wake me up in the morning by jumping into my beddy. We would play "tag" like I'd try to chase her and she'd run away and we'd play fetch. I went with her when we put her down. I told her I loved her until she left us. I can still see her looking back at me and then seeing her eyes closed. I know they say you lose your hearing as the last sense? It's kinda like that's what I want in a man. I want an affectionate, loyal, fun, and smart guy. I want to be with him til the very second I take my last breath and close my eyes forever. I want to be with him through all things, better or for worse. 


I think life is a lot like running. Sometimes you feel you are just going through the motions. Other times you feel a great sense of accomplishment. Other times you feel lost in the crowd. Sometimes you feel noticed and other times ignored. At times it's hard to stay motivated and to keep going, yet something in the back of your mind says, 'go for it' 'give it all you got' 'don't give up' 'you're almost there'


It's our inner voice that has a lot to do with our motivation. If I threw in the towel when the pain started while running, I wouldn't have gotten very far. If I stopped when the sweat and heat and hills were added to the mix, I wouldn't be very far. You push and push yourself because you believe. You believe in being more than the norm. You want to be better. You want to push yourself and achieve things you didn't think were possible. You risk it. You put your fears aside, push through the pain, and go. 


Lord, Hold me and never let me go. Help me to trust You with my life. Not just trust You with a part of my life, but help me to give it ALL to You. Help me to love You more than anyone or anything else. Help me to feel Your presence in the midst of my emptiness, loneliness, confusion, fear, and pain. 
Your child, Kelly

Let the rain come and wash it all away

Home now, Back to Bloom tomorrow

So yeah, I'm still not packed. I'm going through stuff and trying to figure out if I need anything else and such. I am going to donate some stuff, give stuff to other people, and keep some stuff. Hah. Fun times.

I'm glad I got to come home for a bit. I miss my brother. He's in Austin, Texas. But at least I saw everyone else. I saw some friends and was delighted to see them. Grace, Madi, & Matt. :-)

Plussssssssssssssssssssssss. I have a snuggle bunnie, well, MAXWELL PUPPY :-D