Fix Myself

I'm listening to Big Daddy Weave's, "What Life Would be Like." Joel send me this song, and it's very true.

God created us in His own image, yet why do I hate what I see in the mirror? I'm very disappointed with what I see and I see so many imperfections. I don't live up the standard of what I wish I looked like. Is it the world's standards? Probably. I get caught up in trying to be someone else or trying this or that. I lose all focus on God.
I lean on my understanding and not his.

I'm going to spell out some of my imperfections, so brace yourself:
-pimples, scars, acne on my face; feel my face is fat like I have a double chin
-small boobs, I wish they were bigger
-belly, butt & legs I feel like they are fat

Yup, so I struggle with body image. Hopefully I will be free of it all someday. I need to let go and accept my body because God created me, and He loves me. He made me from dust and breathed life into me. I need to find value in Him and not others or the world's standards of perfection.

God wants my heart. I need to give it to Him. Right now I'm struggling with different things. I'm fearful of my future, and I need to trust He will provide and He will never leave nor forsake me. I could be all alone physically, but I am never truly alone. He is there beside me carrying me. He knows all. Lord, You created me and love me. Thanks for dying on the cross to save me from my sins. Please help me to focus on You and put You first in my life. Help me control and let go of the hatred I have for myself. Help me to trust You. Yours, Kelly

Here is a picture from the wedding:

here goes

So yesterday was Heather & Jesse's wedding. I met Heather at Campus Crusade for Christ I'm thinking it was my sophomore year, so 2006-2007. She shared her testimony about how she became a Christian, had cancer three times, and is a nursing major. It's an amazing story, and I'm so happy and proud of her. She works at the Janet Weis Children's Hospital in Danville, PA which is a part of Geisinger Medical Center. She is a RN who works with kids with cancer and other illnesses. She had a rare cancer, that I can never remember the name of it, but it ate away at her musculoskeletal system in her head, face, neck regions. She raises money for the American Cancer Society through participating in Relay for Life and also money for the Janet Weis Children's Hospital by doing the telethon. We've been through a lot together, and she's a really good friend.

I got to wear a light yellow dress. I felt like Bell from Beauty & the Beast because it was just that color and I have the brown hair. The jewelry was amazing that Heather got her girls in the bridal party.

I was very encouraged today because my friend Amber and her husband came to Shiloh :-)
I really need a shower lol!

I just read some more Genesis. If other people can follow the Lord's plan for them and trust Him, why am I struggling so much? I don't know what I'm supposed to do right now. I accepted a position at Geisinger that starts July 11th. I admit, I'm scared as hell, yet I'm really looking forward to it at the same time. 

I wanted to be so many different things growing up. I didn't figure out until sophomore or junior year in high school that I wanted to pursue nursing. Before high school and my freshmen year I wanted to be a counselor/therapist/psychologist. Then, I wanted to be a massage therapist. 

I concluded myself that I didn't have the ability to be a therapist due to my own psych issues. I figured I'd be too much of a hypocrit and grow too emotionally attached and drained. Regarding the massage therapist, my mom told me I wouldn't make enough money or find a job in that field. Also, I couldn't find many programs. My parents wanted me to go to a state school, and none that I found offered a program. 

I have things to be thankful for: 

-Parents: They supported me through a lot. We haven't always seen eye to eye, but we love each other through thick & thin. They are there for me and take care of me. They believe in me, and shower me with their love through big and little ways. My mom got me this cute ceramic pug lol. She also brought me food that I like: cereal, granola, granola bars, apples, and stuff to make chocolate covered pretzels because she knows I enjoy doing that :-)

I'm too distracted to keep typing lol. Nighty night. 

Me in my bridesmaid dress for Heather's wedding. 

cruising

So, when I drive by myself, I turn up the music louder than normal. Why? Because I want to stay awake and it motivates me to pay attention and not just be a bum on a log. I also love singing while driving. I might look like a complete fool, but I enjoy it. Some songs that have been in particular interest include:
-ET by Katy Perry
-For the First Time by The Script
-Don't You Wanna Stay Here by Jason Aldean ft. Kelly Clarkson


And yes, I dance while driving to at times. :-X It annoys me when people pull out in front of me and then go slow. That's something that keeps happening when I drive lol. Another is not going the speed limit. I still suck at backing up and parking. 

I had a long talk with Bonnie Lowe the other day. Monday to be exact lol. She's such a sweetheart. Anyways, she gave me some advice. Sometimes we don't know what God wants. Sometimes we just need to wait on Him to reveal things to us, and lean on His understanding and not our own. I know this in my head, but I'm glad she pointed that out to me. I'm not a very patient person, and I get easily upset and frustrated. I get my temper from my dad lol. 


Lord, thank You for creating everything. You know our heart's desires and our thoughts. You took my place on the cross, and You provide. You know when I rise and when I lay down. You know I'm struggling right now with my future. I'm worried about so much, but You have and will provide. Help me to trust You, and to be patient. Help me to rejoice in the "good" and "bad" times of my life. You are the only constant in my life as things in this life are rather unpredictable. Yours, Kelly

Quotes

I decided to make a list of quotes people have said to me during the past month or so.

"You'll make a great nurse with that pretty smile of yours"-someone from church

"You should be on a tv show like Home & Gardens"-Pastor Lyon
"Yeah, 'cuz I have the most white of anyone else mulching"-me

"That's a big mess"-little kid at the church work day

"Wow, what a pretty dress."-someone from church

"How's work?"-Don "It's work."-me

"I don't give pens to just anyone. Only those who quit and come back"-coworker

"Do you know what you did the other morning?"-patient "What's that?"-me
"I got to therapy and they pointed out that my shoes were on backwards."-patient
"Oh my. I wonder how

"I got burn on my shoulders and back"-me "How?"-coworker "I was at yard sales."-me
"Yeah right. You were probably out in your bikini"-coworker

"Are you in school?"-patient "No, I just graduated"-me "High School?"-patient "No, college."-me

"You're so strong for being a little peanut"-patient

"Are you married with kids?"-patient "No, I don't even have a boyfriend."-me

"Do you have kids? I have some soccer cleats I wanna get rid of."-coworker
"No, I don't even have a boyfriend."-me

"What time are we picking you up for the wedding?"-dad
"Dad, I'm in the wedding. I won't be seeing you until the reception"-me

"You'll need to wear at least three layers at the movie theater since you don't have any body fat"-coworker

"What happened between you and the preacher's son? I thought it was going so well."-Heather's mom

oh yeah

I'm totally listening to lovey dovey music. Howie Day's, "Collide" is playing.

My life is really messed up, well, I'm really messed up.

Relationship wise, I've made more mistakes than I know how to count. I'm not sure where I'm heading. I feel like maybe I'm not meant to be with anyone despite me having that yearning and desire to take care of someone and make them feel special because they are special to me and have them love me as well.

Hell, I'm going to be a practicing nurse soon, taking care of people is definitely a calling. A woman in church said I'd make a great nurse with that beautiful smile of mine. That was really nice of her to say. I struggle with accepting compliments because I'm too hard on myself, and don't truly see/feel what they do.

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, "Guardian Angel" is now on as my choice. I'm sick of lying to myself and lying to others. I can't force my feelings. I can't fight for something that isn't meant to be. I'm not here to be God, but I know I cannot be with someone depending upon certain things.

I'd like to write a list, but in all reality, I'm not here to find a cookie cut man. I'm here to love him for who he is and love him all in all.

Lord, please take this broken heart of mine, and heal me. You are Creator, Prince of Peace, Lord of Lords, Almighty and You are the Alpha and Omega. Please protect me and help me to feel Your presence and to put You first in my life.

Iron & Wine's "Such Great Heights" is playing now. I could go for someone to sleep next to right now. I miss that. Yeah, I miss so much.

Dedicated to the One I Love

Yes, I really like this song. Yes, it's country, but I dig it.