Each day I feel like I fall short. Why? Because I do. Whether it be fail myself or others, it's a failure nonetheless.
I'm on edge. Slippery rocks. Walking on egg shells. Where is peace? I wish I had a peace of mind and didn't let every tiny thing bother me to such drastic measures.
I have so much yet so little all at the same time.
All I have, and all that I am is in You.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
words
Sometimes words simply aren't enough. I'm not sure how to describe how things currently are through strictly words, but I will try to do what I can.
I'll just list a few occurrences just randomly. Tonight there was a basket of forks and knives but no spoons, and yes, I just needed a spoon. I ran against the wind today. I turned in paperwork against my own wishing in order to participate in something for other's satisfaction just for them to turn their backs and bail.
I think I need to be alone. Me, myself and I. Walk this world alone. Searching for things I will never find. Looking for things I will never see. Awaiting the sunrise yet only catching glimpses of sunsets.
I pick up stones and caste them into the river. I won't feel their ripples, I will just merely peer into the waters and imagine how nice that would feel. To feel the warmth, the closeness, the security.
Ever feel numb? That's how I feel.
I'll just list a few occurrences just randomly. Tonight there was a basket of forks and knives but no spoons, and yes, I just needed a spoon. I ran against the wind today. I turned in paperwork against my own wishing in order to participate in something for other's satisfaction just for them to turn their backs and bail.
I think I need to be alone. Me, myself and I. Walk this world alone. Searching for things I will never find. Looking for things I will never see. Awaiting the sunrise yet only catching glimpses of sunsets.
I pick up stones and caste them into the river. I won't feel their ripples, I will just merely peer into the waters and imagine how nice that would feel. To feel the warmth, the closeness, the security.
Ever feel numb? That's how I feel.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Leech
So, I think at times we accumulate leeches whether it be out of our own will or not.
What these things do is suck the life out of your and leave you vulnerable to decay. My struggle is worry and anxiety. I doubt that things will be "okay." I want control over things I do not, nor never will have control over. God has control. He has and always will provide for me. Why do I think that I should have all the control? Why do I crave control day in and day out? It's due to selfishness and lack of faith.
God knows my heart. He knows I want to be a nurse and take care of people. I adore doing that. I love seeing my patients smile, and I love listening to their stories and their reflections. I ask them if they have any questions about their current treatments and if there is anything I can help them further understand. I also ask them how they are because asking open-ended questions allows them to share whatever they wish.
God has given me this gift of wanting to take care of people in the medical field, and in general. Anyways, I'm going to go take a shower because I worked out this morning and I currently STANK! he he. Take care.
What these things do is suck the life out of your and leave you vulnerable to decay. My struggle is worry and anxiety. I doubt that things will be "okay." I want control over things I do not, nor never will have control over. God has control. He has and always will provide for me. Why do I think that I should have all the control? Why do I crave control day in and day out? It's due to selfishness and lack of faith.
God knows my heart. He knows I want to be a nurse and take care of people. I adore doing that. I love seeing my patients smile, and I love listening to their stories and their reflections. I ask them if they have any questions about their current treatments and if there is anything I can help them further understand. I also ask them how they are because asking open-ended questions allows them to share whatever they wish.
God has given me this gift of wanting to take care of people in the medical field, and in general. Anyways, I'm going to go take a shower because I worked out this morning and I currently STANK! he he. Take care.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Laundry List of Worries
That's right. I'm going to write down everything I'm currently worried about. Fun fun.
-Graduating nursing school
-Finding a job
-Finding a new apartment (my lease is up at the end of May)
-Heather's Bridal Shower & Bachelorette Party
-Kristen's Bridal Shower & Bachelorette Party
-Rachel's Wedding
-Scheduling my Pertussis Shot
-My Paper
-Clinicals
-My Menstrual Cycle
-Joel's job situation
-IMPACT
-My Body Image
-Money
-Graduating nursing school
-Finding a job
-Finding a new apartment (my lease is up at the end of May)
-Heather's Bridal Shower & Bachelorette Party
-Kristen's Bridal Shower & Bachelorette Party
-Rachel's Wedding
-Scheduling my Pertussis Shot
-My Paper
-Clinicals
-My Menstrual Cycle
-Joel's job situation
-IMPACT
-My Body Image
-Money
Who am I?
I am nothing. Simply dust in the wind. Why is it that I get caught up in the lies I am fed?
I stare at myself in the mirror and don't like what I see. I don't like what I say nor am I proud of what I do. It's impossible to be satisfied, yet for some reason, I keep thinking one day I will be. What will it take?
I'm so lost. So lost. I feel as if I were standing in the middle of the road with a rain cloud over my head.
Why do I create such a life of misery? I live a life of fear. Day in and day out I am strangled with fear to the point of breathlessness. Sometimes when I interact with people I over react because during the day I'm so caught up holding the fears inside, that I jump at anything that's not torture of myself. Does any of this make sense? Who knows.
These desires I have to be something, to be someone, to be, to simply be. What is this all about? When will I attain this "Kelly" I oh so much want to be? What the hell is this all about?
Why do I beat myself up and focus on myself so much? Why am I paralyzed with fear? Why do I hate everything and need everythying at the same time?
Lord, please free me from these chains. Please help me to feel complete in You. Please help me to surrender myself to You. I am nothing without You. Please help me feel Your love and to trust You.
I stare at myself in the mirror and don't like what I see. I don't like what I say nor am I proud of what I do. It's impossible to be satisfied, yet for some reason, I keep thinking one day I will be. What will it take?
I'm so lost. So lost. I feel as if I were standing in the middle of the road with a rain cloud over my head.
Why do I create such a life of misery? I live a life of fear. Day in and day out I am strangled with fear to the point of breathlessness. Sometimes when I interact with people I over react because during the day I'm so caught up holding the fears inside, that I jump at anything that's not torture of myself. Does any of this make sense? Who knows.
These desires I have to be something, to be someone, to be, to simply be. What is this all about? When will I attain this "Kelly" I oh so much want to be? What the hell is this all about?
Why do I beat myself up and focus on myself so much? Why am I paralyzed with fear? Why do I hate everything and need everythying at the same time?
Lord, please free me from these chains. Please help me to feel complete in You. Please help me to surrender myself to You. I am nothing without You. Please help me feel Your love and to trust You.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Unravel
Hey, not sure how long it's been since I last wrote. Anyways, it's snowing here. It started sometime this evening meaning 5 something. That's when I left the apt. for WalMart. I was surprised it had started at that time because when I had previously checked the weather the night before, it had predicted the snow to begin to fall around 8-9pm time frame. Patience is also a weakness of mine; therefore, I should not judge the snow for being impatient as well.
I haven't had any "bad" experiences driving in the snow in the instances I have gotten to thus far. The only one that was somewhat hazardous would be the person backing up into the street like a doofus and me breaking and sliding more forward than I thought I would in the snow. It wasn't a close call or anything, so no worries. I know that people will always drive like idiots, no matter what the weather.
The other day, I did see someone doing doughnuts in the library/rec parking lot, and it made me laugh. I'm not sure if they were trying to impress someone in the car with them, trying to just do something funny for the hell of it, or have it be their way of saying, "FU" Bloomsburg University. I'm not sure. Hah. Whichever way, I enjoyed the sight.
While at WalMart, I had an incident I suppose you could categorize it as. The cashier, who didn't greet me, overcharged me. I noticed it after checking over my receipt while in the store, so I'm glad I didn't have to make a trip back there to redeem my money. She rang up two cauliflowers instead of two heads of lettuce. Each cauliflower bundle was $2.88 versus each head of lettuce being $1.58; therefore, the difference was $2.60.
Now, some people would be calm about this and not sweat it. However, I reacted by posting, it should be WalTARD instead of WalMart on my fb. I'm an angel; I know. It's just the combination of the cashier not greeting me and having the expression on your face that your work is the worst thing ever with the overcharging sent me through the roof. Yes, there was steam coming out of my ears. Then, the woman at customer service kept talking to a coworker while assisting me. I could see saying a few things but she was blabbing up a storm and I felt she wasn't concentrating on what she was doing nor acknowledging my presence.
Earlier in the day, I had donated blood at the Elks Lodge in Danville. I was directed to the table to sign-in and read over the educational materials about donating blood. The woman, an elderly woman, at the table was focused soley on her cell phone and updating some sort of feature and didn't make eye contact with me nor acknowledge my presence until she was done her cell phone whatever the crap. So this is how I thought, 'Okay, so your cell phone takes priority of a potential blood donor. I see that you don't want to save lives; you'd rather focus on your technology that probably serves as more of a barrier than a communication device.'
So that's my post, for now. Wonderful. I know. :-P
I haven't had any "bad" experiences driving in the snow in the instances I have gotten to thus far. The only one that was somewhat hazardous would be the person backing up into the street like a doofus and me breaking and sliding more forward than I thought I would in the snow. It wasn't a close call or anything, so no worries. I know that people will always drive like idiots, no matter what the weather.
The other day, I did see someone doing doughnuts in the library/rec parking lot, and it made me laugh. I'm not sure if they were trying to impress someone in the car with them, trying to just do something funny for the hell of it, or have it be their way of saying, "FU" Bloomsburg University. I'm not sure. Hah. Whichever way, I enjoyed the sight.
While at WalMart, I had an incident I suppose you could categorize it as. The cashier, who didn't greet me, overcharged me. I noticed it after checking over my receipt while in the store, so I'm glad I didn't have to make a trip back there to redeem my money. She rang up two cauliflowers instead of two heads of lettuce. Each cauliflower bundle was $2.88 versus each head of lettuce being $1.58; therefore, the difference was $2.60.
Now, some people would be calm about this and not sweat it. However, I reacted by posting, it should be WalTARD instead of WalMart on my fb. I'm an angel; I know. It's just the combination of the cashier not greeting me and having the expression on your face that your work is the worst thing ever with the overcharging sent me through the roof. Yes, there was steam coming out of my ears. Then, the woman at customer service kept talking to a coworker while assisting me. I could see saying a few things but she was blabbing up a storm and I felt she wasn't concentrating on what she was doing nor acknowledging my presence.
Earlier in the day, I had donated blood at the Elks Lodge in Danville. I was directed to the table to sign-in and read over the educational materials about donating blood. The woman, an elderly woman, at the table was focused soley on her cell phone and updating some sort of feature and didn't make eye contact with me nor acknowledge my presence until she was done her cell phone whatever the crap. So this is how I thought, 'Okay, so your cell phone takes priority of a potential blood donor. I see that you don't want to save lives; you'd rather focus on your technology that probably serves as more of a barrier than a communication device.'
So that's my post, for now. Wonderful. I know. :-P
Monday, January 3, 2011
Who We Are
Tonight I was walking along a dark and uneven to say the least sidewalk. It reminded me of my life. A dark, uneven sidewalk that's walked upon. Isn't that nice.
Dark. Yes, I am a very negative person. Not only around other people, but especially around myself I tend to be very critical and depressing. I could achieve something fantastic and point out various flaws in it. People might say, "Wow! That was an amazing accomplishment!" I'll smile and be glad just to make them feel that I have accepted their congrats, yet in side, I have no grasp of such a thing. It's like throughout the day if I'm around people, I get so caught up in living up to their expectations. Then, when I crash at night, I think about my day, and I'm like what the hell was that? What happened? Where was I?
It's like when I was ashamed of having breasts in third grade. In that third grade picture I hunched so that my chest wouldn't show, yet it still did anyways :-( I was not proud of my body. I was not me. Who the hell was I? Where did I go? People tend to tell me that I have a beautiful smile, yet I feel it's all a lie. I have deceived them.
There's a song that has the lyrics, "If I could be like that, I'd give anything, Just to live one day, In those shoes" something like that. I think ah Three Doors Down sings it.
Chasing after the wind is a very good way of describing how I feel. Impossible.
Do you ever feel that you are impossible to please and that you fail whenever you try to please others? I feel that day in and day out, and it's exhausting.
"All she needs is that something to hold onto, that's all she needs"-Three Doors Down
I'm currently reading, "Walking in Victory," and it makes the point that we will forever be miserable if we base our worth off comparing ourselves to others. I fall into this trap. No one is perfect, and no one is constant like Jesus. His truths hold true. When we are broken His love never fails. Time and time again I feel desperate to be loved, yet I don't take the time to realize His love for me. All that He's done and will do for me is far more than I can imagine.
Well, on a less serious subject, they need to invent candles that smell like strawberry champagne. I had this Victoria's Secret strawberry champagne scented-lotion and I need a candle that smells like that oh man! I got a candle tonight that's hazelnut coffee scented so sweet. The current one I have is banana nut bread, but it's nearing its end.
Speaking of nearing its end, I shall depart now. Nighty night.
Dark. Yes, I am a very negative person. Not only around other people, but especially around myself I tend to be very critical and depressing. I could achieve something fantastic and point out various flaws in it. People might say, "Wow! That was an amazing accomplishment!" I'll smile and be glad just to make them feel that I have accepted their congrats, yet in side, I have no grasp of such a thing. It's like throughout the day if I'm around people, I get so caught up in living up to their expectations. Then, when I crash at night, I think about my day, and I'm like what the hell was that? What happened? Where was I?
It's like when I was ashamed of having breasts in third grade. In that third grade picture I hunched so that my chest wouldn't show, yet it still did anyways :-( I was not proud of my body. I was not me. Who the hell was I? Where did I go? People tend to tell me that I have a beautiful smile, yet I feel it's all a lie. I have deceived them.
There's a song that has the lyrics, "If I could be like that, I'd give anything, Just to live one day, In those shoes" something like that. I think ah Three Doors Down sings it.
Chasing after the wind is a very good way of describing how I feel. Impossible.
Do you ever feel that you are impossible to please and that you fail whenever you try to please others? I feel that day in and day out, and it's exhausting.
"All she needs is that something to hold onto, that's all she needs"-Three Doors Down
I'm currently reading, "Walking in Victory," and it makes the point that we will forever be miserable if we base our worth off comparing ourselves to others. I fall into this trap. No one is perfect, and no one is constant like Jesus. His truths hold true. When we are broken His love never fails. Time and time again I feel desperate to be loved, yet I don't take the time to realize His love for me. All that He's done and will do for me is far more than I can imagine.
Well, on a less serious subject, they need to invent candles that smell like strawberry champagne. I had this Victoria's Secret strawberry champagne scented-lotion and I need a candle that smells like that oh man! I got a candle tonight that's hazelnut coffee scented so sweet. The current one I have is banana nut bread, but it's nearing its end.
Speaking of nearing its end, I shall depart now. Nighty night.
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