I'm somewhere between here and there. I'm caught in a ditch without a direction. I'm walking on this path in the dark, alone. The trees shake in the wind. I feel the chill. There's no turning back. No going forward.
l
The wind engulfs me. I'm tossed and turned. I grasp my collar to try to block the wind from its pull. I hold on with all my might to the clothes on my skin, but the wind rattles my bones.

I see a girl looking back at me. Her eyes penetrate into my soul. She looks familiar, but I can't quite make out who she is. She is so serious. Tears run down her face as she whispers into my ear softly, "I once knew you, but now you are a mystery. I wish I never knew you. Who you are right now is who I hate. Go from me and never return."

She slowly backs away. Our eyes meet again. For the last time. My lip quivers. I nod. She just stares then turns her back and flees. She's wearing a black cape and it blows in the wind as she runs away from me. I stare at the cape as it represent authority. Her power. Her love. Her embrace. I've thrown it all away.

She once believed in me. She once held me as her own. Now, I have nothing. I've lost her.

A man jumps out in front of me. He tells me to hold his hand. His hand is so warm. I hold on for dear life. We walk a ways, but then he hears some rustling of leaves, so he decides to investigate. He lets go. He's gone.

I keep looking for him, but he's no where to be found.

I keep going. I stumble. I cry. I see a tree that's somehow resisting the wind. I crouch down into the fetal position and hug myself for warmth. I lean into the tree and talk to it. I tell the tree how scared and sorry I am. I pour out my soul to the tree. I gasp and bury myself in my tears.

Help Me To See You

Psalm 139: 13-14
For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful.

Lord, You are so beyond anything I'll ever be able to comprehend or understand. Please give me a steadfast heart that seeks You with everything breath I take. Help me not to fear the unknowns of this life and to not be discouraged by circumstances. You are there throughout everything. You hold me close and never let go. Help me to draw close to You through all. You are the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Take me and make me whole. In Your Name, Amen.

Isaiah 55: 6-9
Seek the Lord while He may be found; call on Him while He is near. Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the Lord and He will have mercy on him, and to our God for He will freely pardon. "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts."

I need to trust the Lord with my life. There are so many things that get in the way of me seeking Him. I get distracted by the things of this world and get caught up in things that don't matter on the eternity level. Why do I cling to things that won't satisfy me? Why do I take Him for granted? Why do I put Him in a box or on a shelf when in all reality He is the most important thing there is? He has provided for me. He has blessed me with an amazing family, some close friends, food, shelter, a job, and a church family. He has given me breath and has rescued me from the pit of despair. He is my hope. He is the one thing in this world that cannot be shaken no will He forsake me.

Psalm 62:8 Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.

Lord, help me to surrender my ways to You. Help me to see Your faithfulness in my life. Help me to cling to Your promises and Your ways. Help me to seek You and to love You more and more. In Your Name, Amen.

Romans 8:11 And if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit, who lives in you.

I need life, Lord. Give me life. Give me Your Spirit. Give me a Spirit that yearns and clings to You in all and every situation(s). Help me to define myself by You and not of things of this world. You are my peace. You are my strength. Help my heart to beat for You. Help my soul to be satisfied as if with the richest of foods because Your love is better than life. Help me to see myself in Your eyes, Lord. Help me to be Your child and to listen to Your instructions. Break me. Break all of me. Help me to love You with my first love of You. You are so beyond my comprehension. Your love is unconditional and defeats all. You are a conquerer. You are the most powerful and mighty being there is. Who/what shall I fear when I have You?

Bless my family,friends, fellow believers, and those who need You.

Psalm 63 says, "Because Your love is better than life, my lips will praise You." Something like that. That's my paraphrasing. That is incredible that the Lord's love is better than life. I don't really view life as something all that great, but it's saying that the awesome experiences that we have during this life, are nothing compared to the Lord's love. His love surpasses all.

Lord, take my emptiness. Take my brokenness. Give me a heart that yearns for You in a dry and weary land where there is no water. Lord, I need You. Restore my soul. Amen.

My lips are quivering but You deliver me

Life is unpredictable. You wake up, and you don't know what'll happen. You have plans in your head and/or obligations for the day, but you don't exactly know how things will unravel.

Work is probably the best example of this. I go in, I don't even know which floor I'm on between the two floors. I don't know what patients I will be assigned to. You never know if they'll remain stable or go downhill. The doctors switch around medications and other things throughout the shift. Patients come and go from tests. Family come and go. You're somehow supposed to keep it all together no matter the emotional and physical toll.

I don't know the future. I have my dreams of what I want to get out of life and how I want it all to play out. But it's not up to me. I need to give it to God. Fully trust and place my confidence in Him. He has promised to never leave nor forsake me, but I doubt Him a lot. I doubt that He will provide. I doubt that things will work out. I doubt that I'll be okay.

John 6:47-48 I tell you the truth, he who believes has everlasting life. I am the bread of life.

Lord, please help me to trust You with all that I am. Please help me to praise You through all circumstances. Whether I live in need or in plenty, help me to find rest in You and You alone. Amen.

You're the Only One Who Knows Who I Really Am

Take me. Take these scars. Take these fears. Hold me close. Never let me go. Embrace me. Breathe life into this dead soul. Energize me with Your everlasting love. Renew me. Lift up my face when all I can see is the dirt I've created.

How could You love me? How could You take it upon Yourself to die for me? I don't deserve that kind of love. I don't deserve anything. I deserve death. I deserve to have the worst.

I am so unworthy, yet You overcame everything so that I might live. Please renew me. Help me not to forsake my first love for You. Your ways are beyond mine. You are so beyond me. Please help me to trust You. Help me to pour out my soul to You. You are my peace.