What is this feeling that nothing will get better? What is this voice inside that tells me I am nothing? What is this?
I'm so done with everything. I don't have anything I'm looking forward to. Well, I am looking forward to seeing my parents & sister and her husband Feb. 11th. I also have the Run for the Cookies on Feb. 25th.
A good majority of what I feel is anxiety. I am so worried I'm practically making myself sick.
Hold me because I'm giving up and giving in.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
I'm so heavy in your arms
1 Corinthians 9:24-27 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.
I ran the Bloomsburg YMCA New Year's Eve 5k. It was one of the best races I've run. I totally cried afterwards because I'm in such awe of how God could love me despite me being a sinner. It's amazing that God humbled Himself to become a man to save us. He carried me through that race. Despite all the crap in my life, God carried me through! I'm glad I have Him.
I ran the Bloomsburg YMCA New Year's Eve 5k. It was one of the best races I've run. I totally cried afterwards because I'm in such awe of how God could love me despite me being a sinner. It's amazing that God humbled Himself to become a man to save us. He carried me through that race. Despite all the crap in my life, God carried me through! I'm glad I have Him.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
We Don't Need Anything or Anyone
These are lyrics from Snow Patrol's, "Chasing Cars." Yes, it is one of their hits, but despite that, I have to say it's a very powerful song. Sometimes songs are just famous because they're catchy, upbeat, etc. It makes me glad when popular songs are truly meaningful on a deeper level.
I take this song to mean that love is not about doing certain things with a person, but loving them when you are doing the most complex to the most simple things. Just being still and having that connection that you two are in love and adore each other.
Reminds me of Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God." If I go to the beginning of this Psalm, verses 1-2, God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
Hmmm. That's pretty much how I feel. I feel that I myself and crumpling into nothing and I feel miserable. It's like really hard to go through the motions and feel like nothing. I don't feel happy, content, satisfied, etc. All I feel is drained and just wanting to sleep pretty much. It's hard to pretend to be content when you flat out aren't. I'm not sure what sparked this vicious cycle, but I'm not sure what to do at this point in my life.
Yes, I have gotten through so so much in my life, thanks be to God. It's just where do I go from here? I'm questioning whether I should get counseling, go back on meds, etc. I need to pray about it and seek the Lord first and foremost. It just scares me when I get to feeling how I sometimes feel. I shut people out and just give up and hide.
What would it take to feel better? What would it take to let go? What would it take to forget, forgive, and truly live? Lord, help me to surrender my will to Your hands. Help me to surrender all my insecurities and sins that I cling to.
I will not define myself by the world's standards. I will not be critical of myself. I will give it all to You. Please give me the strength to surrender. Help me to see myself as fearfully and wonderfully made. You are my love. Your love is the love I so desperately need. Nothing can separate me from Your love. Your love conquers all, yet why do I cling to this worldly love? Why do I cling to seeking attention from guys who aren't right for me? Why do I want physical affection that results in nothing but guilt, pain, and loss? Help me, Lord.
Psalm 18: 1-19 I love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I can take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies. The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From His temple He heard my voice; my cry came before Him, into His ears. The earth trembled and quaked, and the foundations of the mountains shook; they trembled because He was angry. Smoke rose from His nostrils; consuming fire came from His mouth, burning coals blazed out of it. He parted the heavens and came down; dark clouds were under His feet. He mounted the cherubim and flew; He soared on the wings of the wind. He made the darkness His covering, His canopy around Him-the dark rain clouds of the sky. Out of the brightness of His presence clouds advanced, with hailstones and bolts of lightning. The Lord thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded. He shot His arrows and scattered the enemies, great bolts of lightning and routed them. The valleys of the sea were exposed and the foundations of the earth laid bare at Your rebuke, O Lord at the blast of breath from Your nostrils. He reached down from on High and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my power enemy from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me.
I take this song to mean that love is not about doing certain things with a person, but loving them when you are doing the most complex to the most simple things. Just being still and having that connection that you two are in love and adore each other.
Reminds me of Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God." If I go to the beginning of this Psalm, verses 1-2, God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
Hmmm. That's pretty much how I feel. I feel that I myself and crumpling into nothing and I feel miserable. It's like really hard to go through the motions and feel like nothing. I don't feel happy, content, satisfied, etc. All I feel is drained and just wanting to sleep pretty much. It's hard to pretend to be content when you flat out aren't. I'm not sure what sparked this vicious cycle, but I'm not sure what to do at this point in my life.
Yes, I have gotten through so so much in my life, thanks be to God. It's just where do I go from here? I'm questioning whether I should get counseling, go back on meds, etc. I need to pray about it and seek the Lord first and foremost. It just scares me when I get to feeling how I sometimes feel. I shut people out and just give up and hide.
What would it take to feel better? What would it take to let go? What would it take to forget, forgive, and truly live? Lord, help me to surrender my will to Your hands. Help me to surrender all my insecurities and sins that I cling to.
I will not define myself by the world's standards. I will not be critical of myself. I will give it all to You. Please give me the strength to surrender. Help me to see myself as fearfully and wonderfully made. You are my love. Your love is the love I so desperately need. Nothing can separate me from Your love. Your love conquers all, yet why do I cling to this worldly love? Why do I cling to seeking attention from guys who aren't right for me? Why do I want physical affection that results in nothing but guilt, pain, and loss? Help me, Lord.
Psalm 18: 1-19 I love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I can take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies. The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From His temple He heard my voice; my cry came before Him, into His ears. The earth trembled and quaked, and the foundations of the mountains shook; they trembled because He was angry. Smoke rose from His nostrils; consuming fire came from His mouth, burning coals blazed out of it. He parted the heavens and came down; dark clouds were under His feet. He mounted the cherubim and flew; He soared on the wings of the wind. He made the darkness His covering, His canopy around Him-the dark rain clouds of the sky. Out of the brightness of His presence clouds advanced, with hailstones and bolts of lightning. The Lord thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded. He shot His arrows and scattered the enemies, great bolts of lightning and routed them. The valleys of the sea were exposed and the foundations of the earth laid bare at Your rebuke, O Lord at the blast of breath from Your nostrils. He reached down from on High and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my power enemy from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Pondering
Who are you when the lights get low?
Who are you when no one's watching?
Do you destroy yourself?
Do you give in?
Who are you when all things fall apart?
Who are you when you've let go?
Do you know that demon staring you in the face?
Do you mourn?
I feel like when all is said and done that I'm empty. When I look at the cup, it's half empty.
When I look at something, it somehow is there but soon fades away.
I feel so broken. Heal my heart. Save me, Lord. Save me from myself.
Who are you when no one's watching?
Do you destroy yourself?
Do you give in?
Who are you when all things fall apart?
Who are you when you've let go?
Do you know that demon staring you in the face?
Do you mourn?
I feel like when all is said and done that I'm empty. When I look at the cup, it's half empty.
When I look at something, it somehow is there but soon fades away.
I feel so broken. Heal my heart. Save me, Lord. Save me from myself.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
You make Beautiful things out of Dust
"What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing to us....Worship is pure or base as the worshiper entertains high or low thoughts of God. For this reason the gravest question before the Church is always God Himself, and the most portentous fact about any man is not what he at a given time may say or do, but what he in his deep heart conceives God to be like." -A. W. Tozer
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Why are we here? When it comes to the end of the day, I find myself asking rather deep questions. I find myself wanting to just stare at the sky and ask God why? Why did He go through all this trouble creating this earth and everything in it?
I guess I just feel overwhelmed and worthless again. I can't say that I've worked many, if any, days when I come home from work and feel accomplished. I feel like unsteady. I don't quite feel proud or great about what I do for a living. Nursing is "such a great profession" or whatever people say about it. But I'm so hard on myself and so unsatisfied all the time that I hardly know what it is to feel. I'm so fearful it's like I walk around worrying and not actually experiencing anything. I just wonder if people pick up on this that I'm in my own little world and not in touch with reality.
It's hard to pretend. It's hard to force a smile. I had one patient's son recognize this and point it out to me today. He said, "Kelly, what's wrong? You don't seem happy." I almost broke down on the spot but held it together somehow. I said something along the lines of, "Oh, I just have a lot on my mind. I'm trying to keep things together." And it just upset me that I'm so miserable that people can recognize it on my face. He read me so clearly. Is that what I'm giving back? A miserable frantic aura?
Give it all to God. Give Him all I have. Despite feeling like nothing, I am His.
I guess I just feel overwhelmed and worthless again. I can't say that I've worked many, if any, days when I come home from work and feel accomplished. I feel like unsteady. I don't quite feel proud or great about what I do for a living. Nursing is "such a great profession" or whatever people say about it. But I'm so hard on myself and so unsatisfied all the time that I hardly know what it is to feel. I'm so fearful it's like I walk around worrying and not actually experiencing anything. I just wonder if people pick up on this that I'm in my own little world and not in touch with reality.
It's hard to pretend. It's hard to force a smile. I had one patient's son recognize this and point it out to me today. He said, "Kelly, what's wrong? You don't seem happy." I almost broke down on the spot but held it together somehow. I said something along the lines of, "Oh, I just have a lot on my mind. I'm trying to keep things together." And it just upset me that I'm so miserable that people can recognize it on my face. He read me so clearly. Is that what I'm giving back? A miserable frantic aura?
Give it all to God. Give Him all I have. Despite feeling like nothing, I am His.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Your Eyes See Straight Through Me
I'm laying in my bed reflecting. The over nighter with the youth group was really awesome. I'm exhausted from it and working the weekend, but it was worth it. I'd have it no other way.
I feel regretful tonight. I wish things in my life would have happened differently, but what am I to do? I wish I had an eraser. Something to take the pain and memories away. I'm trying to reason with myself and understand that what's done has been done and that I can't do anything about it, yet my past haunts me. By past I mean everything from what has happened today from years and years ago bothers me.
Thinking about things that have happened makes me feel insecure. I judge myself by what's happened, and I fear the future. I don't wanna be alone relationship wise for the rest of my life yet I don't picture myself with anyone. I flat out don't know anyone crazy enough to wanna be with me! I just want so badly to be loved. I wanna feel that I'm, as cliche, "okay just the way I am." Why is that so hard?
The thing is, it's not that people don't love me and care for me in my life. I have the Lord, family, and friends that definitely do, it's just convincing myself and having it actually get through to me. It's the same thing for compliments, you can tell me til you're blue in the face that I'm this or that and I will not agree. :-/
I'm so so lucky, yet I feel nothing at times. I pray for a brand new day. Lord, please grant me the strength to accept Your love and mercy and power. Help me to surrender all my insecurities to You and You alone. Take my heart and renew me. Make me more and more like You. Help me to find myself in You and to feel Your presence and love. You're all that I have, all that I am.
I feel regretful tonight. I wish things in my life would have happened differently, but what am I to do? I wish I had an eraser. Something to take the pain and memories away. I'm trying to reason with myself and understand that what's done has been done and that I can't do anything about it, yet my past haunts me. By past I mean everything from what has happened today from years and years ago bothers me.
Thinking about things that have happened makes me feel insecure. I judge myself by what's happened, and I fear the future. I don't wanna be alone relationship wise for the rest of my life yet I don't picture myself with anyone. I flat out don't know anyone crazy enough to wanna be with me! I just want so badly to be loved. I wanna feel that I'm, as cliche, "okay just the way I am." Why is that so hard?
The thing is, it's not that people don't love me and care for me in my life. I have the Lord, family, and friends that definitely do, it's just convincing myself and having it actually get through to me. It's the same thing for compliments, you can tell me til you're blue in the face that I'm this or that and I will not agree. :-/
I'm so so lucky, yet I feel nothing at times. I pray for a brand new day. Lord, please grant me the strength to accept Your love and mercy and power. Help me to surrender all my insecurities to You and You alone. Take my heart and renew me. Make me more and more like You. Help me to find myself in You and to feel Your presence and love. You're all that I have, all that I am.
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