Psalm 43:5 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.
My mind has a way of ruining things. I could "have it all together," but still feel like a worthless piece of crap and wish I was dead.
My mom has said that I have a lot going for me, but what people forget to realize is that often when you see actors and actresses perform incredibly on stage and receive numerous awards, fame and fortune, are they truly fulfilled? Do they go home with a smile and feel content?
People tend to judge by what they know about you from a distance. For instance, someone could say someone's profession and immediately you think you know how smart they are, how much money they make, and whether they are getting pleasure from life. Really? Then, we assume we know their personality, physical attributes, habits, etc. I'm not denying the fact that I judge people from knowing very little; however, I'm saying that we tend to base a lot on what job/profession people have. Granted, you invest the majority of your life working, so why not choose something fulfilling? But, what is fulfilling? Tell me, what job is truly satisfying? What job could you do that when you come home and smile ear to ear and do a little happy dance? My point exactly. None.
I'm a nurse. I love helping people and being there for them; however, when I come home, I feel worthless. Why? My mind. No matter whether I did everything right or everything wrong or had complex patients or very simple ones, I feel the same. Worthless.
I feel like Jasmine from Aladdin when she gets stuck in that hourglass sand timer thing. I'm simply stuck. Time is going by, and I feel stuck.
I'd write more, but I'm getting upset.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Friday, December 21, 2012
Come Inside and Stay a While
Whack! The front door flies open as I dart through it, shimmy down the stars, and rapidly flail my arms and legs back and forth as I run across the street to the park. I stand tall and proudly on the soft green grass on top of the hill. I gaze around to survey the park activity.
A young mother is pushing her baby forward in a swing. She smiles as her baby has this dull expression on her face. Babies often look confused and like blobs to me. It's like people want babies to be happy as they are brought up into the strange world, but it's often hard to tell what on earth they are thinking.
The silver metal slide shines. It intimates me because of it's height, but I'm captivated by it. I throw my arms up in excitement and rush to the bottom of its stairs. As I climb, I intensely focus on my footing and grasp extra carefully the bars on each side. The sun caresses my face as I get higher. The beauty of its rays makes me smile. I firmly place my feet on the top of the slide. I've reached the top. It's time to venture down it. I hesitate. I look around and see if anyone is watching. Why am I suddenly scared? I've reached the top. I'm where I so much wanted to be! This is my chance! This is what I wanted to experience! Why am I shaking? Why can't I catch my breath?
The fear consumes me. I look down at my legs and realize my knees are shaking. I steady them and a shiver runs down my spine. Sweat trickles down my neck, and I can't think.
No one is at the park anymore. No cars are driving by. No one is outside their homes. Although the sun is shining, all I see is darkness. What do I do?
I feel my body grow unsteady again. I sway backwards but quickly grasp the bars and hold myself up.
My heart is pounding and I can't see clearly. Everything is spinning.
I hear someone. I hear someone saying something. It's not clear. I can't make out the words. Where is this voice coming from?
"Kelly!......Kel!.....KELLY!!!!" It's my mom. I recognize the voice. Where is she yelling from?
My eyes kick back into focus. I scan the park. Ah, there she is! She's in the front yard of the house! She's worried. She looks like she might cry. Her eyes are weary.
My throat is so dry. I mouth words, but nothing comes forth. I cough and gather the strength to yell back. I disguise my fear and confidently holler, "Hi, Mom!"
"Time for dinner!"
"I'll be right there!"
I gulp. That means I have to go down the slide. I look at my mom as she's staring at me. I feel pressure. I have to do this. I look down the slide then back at my mom. She has her hands on her hips. I don't want to scare her, nor do I want to disappoint her.
I close my eyes, take a deep breath in, and bend my knees. I sit on the cool metal. Here goes. I fling myself forward. The rush of the wind gives me goose bumps. My hair dances backwards and I'm speechless.
My feet hit the sand. With disbelief, I stand. I run home faster than I've ever run before.
I enter the front door and feel the warmth of the house. I so desperately need a hug, but am too ashamed to ask for one. I sit on a wooden chair at the kitchen table with a zombie-like expression. It's time to eat, but I have no appetite. I force myself to eat, but am numb.
A young mother is pushing her baby forward in a swing. She smiles as her baby has this dull expression on her face. Babies often look confused and like blobs to me. It's like people want babies to be happy as they are brought up into the strange world, but it's often hard to tell what on earth they are thinking.
The silver metal slide shines. It intimates me because of it's height, but I'm captivated by it. I throw my arms up in excitement and rush to the bottom of its stairs. As I climb, I intensely focus on my footing and grasp extra carefully the bars on each side. The sun caresses my face as I get higher. The beauty of its rays makes me smile. I firmly place my feet on the top of the slide. I've reached the top. It's time to venture down it. I hesitate. I look around and see if anyone is watching. Why am I suddenly scared? I've reached the top. I'm where I so much wanted to be! This is my chance! This is what I wanted to experience! Why am I shaking? Why can't I catch my breath?
The fear consumes me. I look down at my legs and realize my knees are shaking. I steady them and a shiver runs down my spine. Sweat trickles down my neck, and I can't think.
No one is at the park anymore. No cars are driving by. No one is outside their homes. Although the sun is shining, all I see is darkness. What do I do?
I feel my body grow unsteady again. I sway backwards but quickly grasp the bars and hold myself up.
My heart is pounding and I can't see clearly. Everything is spinning.
I hear someone. I hear someone saying something. It's not clear. I can't make out the words. Where is this voice coming from?
"Kelly!......Kel!.....KELLY!!!!" It's my mom. I recognize the voice. Where is she yelling from?
My eyes kick back into focus. I scan the park. Ah, there she is! She's in the front yard of the house! She's worried. She looks like she might cry. Her eyes are weary.
My throat is so dry. I mouth words, but nothing comes forth. I cough and gather the strength to yell back. I disguise my fear and confidently holler, "Hi, Mom!"
"Time for dinner!"
"I'll be right there!"
I gulp. That means I have to go down the slide. I look at my mom as she's staring at me. I feel pressure. I have to do this. I look down the slide then back at my mom. She has her hands on her hips. I don't want to scare her, nor do I want to disappoint her.
I close my eyes, take a deep breath in, and bend my knees. I sit on the cool metal. Here goes. I fling myself forward. The rush of the wind gives me goose bumps. My hair dances backwards and I'm speechless.
My feet hit the sand. With disbelief, I stand. I run home faster than I've ever run before.
I enter the front door and feel the warmth of the house. I so desperately need a hug, but am too ashamed to ask for one. I sit on a wooden chair at the kitchen table with a zombie-like expression. It's time to eat, but I have no appetite. I force myself to eat, but am numb.
Friday, December 14, 2012
No matter how distant or close you feel to feeling truly alive, there are eyes on you.
You can be alone, but eyes are on you. His eyes are on you. I've been physically alone, yet the Lord is still by my side. I've cried alone in my bed, but the Lord's eyes are on me. I've felt alone at work, but the Lord is right by my side. I may be weak, but He is strong.
Have you ever felt alone in your thoughts? Alone in your body? Have you felt that no one feels how you feel? No one has been through what you've been through? No one can ever even come close to what you've been through, where you are, and/or where you are going? Ever feel these things?
Guess what? He did too. God humbled Himself into the image of man (Philippians. 2). He came onto this earth. He walked on this earth, even walked on water, and went through all sorts of trials. He was rejected by His own people. His own people spit on Him and crucified Him. They brutally beat Him and nailed His hands and feet to a cross for Him to hang until His death.
Reach out to the One who will never leave nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
Reach out to the One who is the One and Only One who can strengthen you through all things (Philippians 4:13).
Reach out the the One who will wipe your every tear (Revelation 21:4)
Reach out because He loves you (John 3:16).
People have fear, hurt, and loneliness in their eyes. Take the moment to just say, "Hi," or, "How are you?" Even if you don't know them. Take the time to share God's love just by acknowledging their presence. You'll be amazed how far a simple greeting can go. You might find that a simple greeting can turn into a deep conversation and perhaps saving them into the eternal kingdom of our Lord!
You can be alone, but eyes are on you. His eyes are on you. I've been physically alone, yet the Lord is still by my side. I've cried alone in my bed, but the Lord's eyes are on me. I've felt alone at work, but the Lord is right by my side. I may be weak, but He is strong.
Have you ever felt alone in your thoughts? Alone in your body? Have you felt that no one feels how you feel? No one has been through what you've been through? No one can ever even come close to what you've been through, where you are, and/or where you are going? Ever feel these things?
Guess what? He did too. God humbled Himself into the image of man (Philippians. 2). He came onto this earth. He walked on this earth, even walked on water, and went through all sorts of trials. He was rejected by His own people. His own people spit on Him and crucified Him. They brutally beat Him and nailed His hands and feet to a cross for Him to hang until His death.
Reach out to the One who will never leave nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
Reach out to the One who is the One and Only One who can strengthen you through all things (Philippians 4:13).
Reach out the the One who will wipe your every tear (Revelation 21:4)
Reach out because He loves you (John 3:16).
People have fear, hurt, and loneliness in their eyes. Take the moment to just say, "Hi," or, "How are you?" Even if you don't know them. Take the time to share God's love just by acknowledging their presence. You'll be amazed how far a simple greeting can go. You might find that a simple greeting can turn into a deep conversation and perhaps saving them into the eternal kingdom of our Lord!
Monday, November 12, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
I'm somewhere between here and there. I'm caught in a ditch without a direction. I'm walking on this path in the dark, alone. The trees shake in the wind. I feel the chill. There's no turning back. No going forward.
l
The wind engulfs me. I'm tossed and turned. I grasp my collar to try to block the wind from its pull. I hold on with all my might to the clothes on my skin, but the wind rattles my bones.
I see a girl looking back at me. Her eyes penetrate into my soul. She looks familiar, but I can't quite make out who she is. She is so serious. Tears run down her face as she whispers into my ear softly, "I once knew you, but now you are a mystery. I wish I never knew you. Who you are right now is who I hate. Go from me and never return."
She slowly backs away. Our eyes meet again. For the last time. My lip quivers. I nod. She just stares then turns her back and flees. She's wearing a black cape and it blows in the wind as she runs away from me. I stare at the cape as it represent authority. Her power. Her love. Her embrace. I've thrown it all away.
She once believed in me. She once held me as her own. Now, I have nothing. I've lost her.
A man jumps out in front of me. He tells me to hold his hand. His hand is so warm. I hold on for dear life. We walk a ways, but then he hears some rustling of leaves, so he decides to investigate. He lets go. He's gone.
I keep looking for him, but he's no where to be found.
I keep going. I stumble. I cry. I see a tree that's somehow resisting the wind. I crouch down into the fetal position and hug myself for warmth. I lean into the tree and talk to it. I tell the tree how scared and sorry I am. I pour out my soul to the tree. I gasp and bury myself in my tears.
l
The wind engulfs me. I'm tossed and turned. I grasp my collar to try to block the wind from its pull. I hold on with all my might to the clothes on my skin, but the wind rattles my bones.
I see a girl looking back at me. Her eyes penetrate into my soul. She looks familiar, but I can't quite make out who she is. She is so serious. Tears run down her face as she whispers into my ear softly, "I once knew you, but now you are a mystery. I wish I never knew you. Who you are right now is who I hate. Go from me and never return."
She slowly backs away. Our eyes meet again. For the last time. My lip quivers. I nod. She just stares then turns her back and flees. She's wearing a black cape and it blows in the wind as she runs away from me. I stare at the cape as it represent authority. Her power. Her love. Her embrace. I've thrown it all away.
She once believed in me. She once held me as her own. Now, I have nothing. I've lost her.
A man jumps out in front of me. He tells me to hold his hand. His hand is so warm. I hold on for dear life. We walk a ways, but then he hears some rustling of leaves, so he decides to investigate. He lets go. He's gone.
I keep looking for him, but he's no where to be found.
I keep going. I stumble. I cry. I see a tree that's somehow resisting the wind. I crouch down into the fetal position and hug myself for warmth. I lean into the tree and talk to it. I tell the tree how scared and sorry I am. I pour out my soul to the tree. I gasp and bury myself in my tears.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Help Me To See You
Psalm 139: 13-14
For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful.
Lord, You are so beyond anything I'll ever be able to comprehend or understand. Please give me a steadfast heart that seeks You with everything breath I take. Help me not to fear the unknowns of this life and to not be discouraged by circumstances. You are there throughout everything. You hold me close and never let go. Help me to draw close to You through all. You are the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Take me and make me whole. In Your Name, Amen.
For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful.
Lord, You are so beyond anything I'll ever be able to comprehend or understand. Please give me a steadfast heart that seeks You with everything breath I take. Help me not to fear the unknowns of this life and to not be discouraged by circumstances. You are there throughout everything. You hold me close and never let go. Help me to draw close to You through all. You are the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Take me and make me whole. In Your Name, Amen.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Isaiah 55: 6-9
Seek the Lord while He may be found; call on Him while He is near. Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the Lord and He will have mercy on him, and to our God for He will freely pardon. "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts."
I need to trust the Lord with my life. There are so many things that get in the way of me seeking Him. I get distracted by the things of this world and get caught up in things that don't matter on the eternity level. Why do I cling to things that won't satisfy me? Why do I take Him for granted? Why do I put Him in a box or on a shelf when in all reality He is the most important thing there is? He has provided for me. He has blessed me with an amazing family, some close friends, food, shelter, a job, and a church family. He has given me breath and has rescued me from the pit of despair. He is my hope. He is the one thing in this world that cannot be shaken no will He forsake me.
Psalm 62:8 Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.
Lord, help me to surrender my ways to You. Help me to see Your faithfulness in my life. Help me to cling to Your promises and Your ways. Help me to seek You and to love You more and more. In Your Name, Amen.
Seek the Lord while He may be found; call on Him while He is near. Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the Lord and He will have mercy on him, and to our God for He will freely pardon. "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts."
I need to trust the Lord with my life. There are so many things that get in the way of me seeking Him. I get distracted by the things of this world and get caught up in things that don't matter on the eternity level. Why do I cling to things that won't satisfy me? Why do I take Him for granted? Why do I put Him in a box or on a shelf when in all reality He is the most important thing there is? He has provided for me. He has blessed me with an amazing family, some close friends, food, shelter, a job, and a church family. He has given me breath and has rescued me from the pit of despair. He is my hope. He is the one thing in this world that cannot be shaken no will He forsake me.
Psalm 62:8 Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.
Lord, help me to surrender my ways to You. Help me to see Your faithfulness in my life. Help me to cling to Your promises and Your ways. Help me to seek You and to love You more and more. In Your Name, Amen.
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