And Like a Boat Out on the Ocean, I'm Rocking You to Sleep

Yes, the subject is a Billy Joel song lyric. I enjoy this song. Right now I have mixed emotions regarding this song. In one sense it's a beautiful love song, and yet, in my life, I haven't had a beautiful love song. I've had many upon many shattered dreams and hearts of mine and his. I know this life isn't supposed to be perfect. It's often referred to as a fallen world. 


I know that nothing can separate me from the love of Christ, yet I often feel like the awful things I do in any given day are awful enough to forever keep me from Him. It's a battle between my knowledge (head) and feelings (heart). 


I think one of the reasons why I love dogs so much is that they are very affectionate, loyal, fun, and smart. When Sandy was around, she comforted me when I cried. I would sing her to sleep. She'd cuddle with me in my bed and wake me up in the morning by jumping into my beddy. We would play "tag" like I'd try to chase her and she'd run away and we'd play fetch. I went with her when we put her down. I told her I loved her until she left us. I can still see her looking back at me and then seeing her eyes closed. I know they say you lose your hearing as the last sense? It's kinda like that's what I want in a man. I want an affectionate, loyal, fun, and smart guy. I want to be with him til the very second I take my last breath and close my eyes forever. I want to be with him through all things, better or for worse. 


I think life is a lot like running. Sometimes you feel you are just going through the motions. Other times you feel a great sense of accomplishment. Other times you feel lost in the crowd. Sometimes you feel noticed and other times ignored. At times it's hard to stay motivated and to keep going, yet something in the back of your mind says, 'go for it' 'give it all you got' 'don't give up' 'you're almost there'


It's our inner voice that has a lot to do with our motivation. If I threw in the towel when the pain started while running, I wouldn't have gotten very far. If I stopped when the sweat and heat and hills were added to the mix, I wouldn't be very far. You push and push yourself because you believe. You believe in being more than the norm. You want to be better. You want to push yourself and achieve things you didn't think were possible. You risk it. You put your fears aside, push through the pain, and go. 


Lord, Hold me and never let me go. Help me to trust You with my life. Not just trust You with a part of my life, but help me to give it ALL to You. Help me to love You more than anyone or anything else. Help me to feel Your presence in the midst of my emptiness, loneliness, confusion, fear, and pain. 
Your child, Kelly

Let the rain come and wash it all away

Home now, Back to Bloom tomorrow

So yeah, I'm still not packed. I'm going through stuff and trying to figure out if I need anything else and such. I am going to donate some stuff, give stuff to other people, and keep some stuff. Hah. Fun times.

I'm glad I got to come home for a bit. I miss my brother. He's in Austin, Texas. But at least I saw everyone else. I saw some friends and was delighted to see them. Grace, Madi, & Matt. :-)

Plussssssssssssssssssssssss. I have a snuggle bunnie, well, MAXWELL PUPPY :-D

Anytime

A favorite song of mine is Brian MicKnight's, "Anytime." He has a really good voice. Very soothing & clear. 


Anyways, I'm going to blab about what I desire in a guy. I've found I have some preferences, yet these are not deal breakers, but then there are deal breakers or requirements lol.  


-Christian: The guy must be a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ as his personal Savior. He must have a committment to the Lord, and growing in Him. 


-Humor: I'm not saying he has to think everything I think is funny to be funny, but it helps if he's not lame and can joke around. I enjoy laughing and making fun of, well, anything there is to make fun of! :-X I can get gitty, especially when I'm tired. When I'm tired, and sometimes when I'm completely feeling fine, I say some bizarre things. I don't need a tool. If you can't laugh, get over yourself. Yup, I'm that nice of a person :-P


-Adventurous: I like exploring. What does that mean? Well, going places I've never been before and seeing what's up. I enjoy the outdoors say camping, canoeing, kayaking, walking, running, taking pictures of nature. I really like campfires & snuggling. Oh my gosh snuggling. I could write a book about how much I enjoy that. Anyways, not to get sidetracked, but until I was almost 11, I lived across the street from a park, and loved exploring on the playground, fields, and woods. 


-Patience: I need a guy who can put up with me. I'm not the easiest to deal with because I easily misinterpret things, get emotional, worry, and get anxious about things. I need an encourager. I wish to do the same for him. I need someone to hold me when I'm scared and crying, and to love me despite my flaws. When I get discouraged, I need someone to talk to about it. 


Okay, well, I'm heading out. :-)

Behind these Hazel Eyes (Brown for me)

Whatever Comes to Mind

-I laugh at roadkill....especially cats and ones in awkward positions
-Washing dishes is my favorite chore
-I enjoy dancing
-I sing while driving and sometimes dance too
-I like walking like I'm an important & tough person
-The key to my heart is a back massage
-Running and baby carrots are my current addictions
-Competition is a large motivator for me depending upon what it is
-When I dress up, I dress sexy, fo sho :-P
-I love old people and taking care of them
-If you think you're cool because of your possessions, get over yourself
-Kelly Clarkson can flat out sing as can Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston


Poem: 
Take me still, Take all of me
Haunt me with your words
Sting me with your lies
Stare into my soul and steal my everything
Take my breath away
All my feelings are starting to decay
Inject me with your poison 
Burn me with your promises
Throw me into the fire and smile as I waste to nothing
I surrendered to you
I am you

I am gone

I Never Told You....I Just Held It In

Do you ever try to analyze your life and get confused as hell? I do. I wonder why things have happened and fear what is to come. I often can't make sense of much, but I would have committed suicide if I didn't have Christ in my life. He is why I live. If I lived for myself, I would have taken myself away from this world long ago. I still get those thoughts that I'm not worthy of love. I'm nothing. I deserve death. Sin is why we deserve death, but Jesus died for our sins and has built a bridge between man and God. 


I'll admit, I am broken. I feel awful about who I am at times. I'm disappointed with myself each and every single day. Lately I've been in a rut. I'm still in a rut, but need to reach out to the Lord for strength and meaning in this time of my own hurt. 


I really don't like not knowing things. I don't know when I will take the NCLEX. I don't know what my schedule is for work. I'm scared about starting on July 11th. I'm scared for my mom who has breast cancer and is going to have surgery sometime soon (double masectomy). Then she might have radiation and/or chemo. I'll be living with two other girls in this house come mid-August. Lissa moves to Texas after passing her boards :-/ I'll miss her so much. Heather's married. My sister is getting married. Joel might move to Illinois. My brother just moved to Texas. It seems like people are leaving or moving on in their lives. Here I am, somewhat moving along the "grown-up" life, yet I feel blah. 


I do have goals in life and dreams. I'd love to organize a race. Not sure how long the run would be like 5k,10k, half-marathon or what. It'd probably be a 5k since those are most popular. I need to pass my nursing boards. I want to be a dedicated, caring, and loving nurse. I wanna help out with church activities and get to know more people in the area. I'd love to visit my friends who live in different states. :-) I wanna work blood drives and help the Red Cross. 


Anyways, I'm going to be cool and do my massive load of dishes and put laundry away. 
Some of us crazy bridesmaids from Heather's wedding at town park :-D

I could use a hug. 

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