So, I just typed half an entry, then got kicked out of here. That's fun.
Anyways, I remember being in middle school and going to this camp with the church youth. A family owned the property in Reading, PA. It was this large woodsy area with cabins, trails, a pond, baseball field, and like pavillions. It was so great going out at night to use the outhouse. The showers were chilly, but they were showers. I just took waaay quicker than normal showers.
One night at chapel, a drama was performed. It was very powerful and portrayed the amazing love God has for us. A large group of the youth were bawling after the conclusion of it. We were just so struck by how God could love us despite our shame. We were in awe of it.
Reminds me of this. Romans 8:38-39
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I often feel that I don't deserve the love given to me. I don't even know how to start to describe the love of my family and friends. Despite all my shortcomings, they've embraced me, and have taken me into their loving arms.
God knows everything. He knows what I do in the light and in the dark. He knows my thoughts, and my needs before I even ask for His assistance. And yet, He loves me through it all. That reminds me of another verse. 1 John 3: 1 How great is the love the Father has lavished upon us, that we should be called children of God. Also, 1 John 4:19 We love because He first loved us.
I seek to love as the Lord has loved me. 1 John 4:15-16 If anyone acknowledges that Jesus it he Son of God. God lives in him and he in God. And we know and rely on the love God has for us.
That's all folks. At least for now. Have a great morning/evening/night depending upon when you have read this.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Here I am
So, I was running up a hill today while a man in a truck drove by, and I inhaled his cigar aroma. mmmmmm.
I'm not sure what I think about that saying, the more things change the more they stay the same.
I'm also not sure how nicely sculpted biceps became nicknamed "guns."
I just watched something on the news about the largest rodent, in, I think the U.S. It looked like a huge guinea pig. There's a huge dog in my neighborhood that's white. I'm not a fan of insanely huge ah animals. Like rodents are typically small and then this one is huuuuge and then dogs vary but this particular dog is larger than me.
My sister got me this pink zip up fleece for my birthday, and she got me a green one years ago, and at first I don't like the color, but then they grow on me. I'm addicted to this one now. I have a grey one from a coworker as well, but this pink one is better quality. I'm in it right now. Yay for warmth. mmmm.
Balloon art meaning animals, flowers, etc. Awesome. I remember Beth got a monkey that had his arms around her. The best is the recipients' faces when they receive the art from the magician/artist. Those are moments I cherish. Seeing contentment, joy, expressions that someone is loved.
Hold me close and forever.
I'm not sure what I think about that saying, the more things change the more they stay the same.
I'm also not sure how nicely sculpted biceps became nicknamed "guns."
I just watched something on the news about the largest rodent, in, I think the U.S. It looked like a huge guinea pig. There's a huge dog in my neighborhood that's white. I'm not a fan of insanely huge ah animals. Like rodents are typically small and then this one is huuuuge and then dogs vary but this particular dog is larger than me.
My sister got me this pink zip up fleece for my birthday, and she got me a green one years ago, and at first I don't like the color, but then they grow on me. I'm addicted to this one now. I have a grey one from a coworker as well, but this pink one is better quality. I'm in it right now. Yay for warmth. mmmm.
Balloon art meaning animals, flowers, etc. Awesome. I remember Beth got a monkey that had his arms around her. The best is the recipients' faces when they receive the art from the magician/artist. Those are moments I cherish. Seeing contentment, joy, expressions that someone is loved.
Hold me close and forever.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Pour out the depths of your soul
So, I'm sitting here hydrating before my workout and keeping an eye on Max. He's been good so far today. I'm glad I have him with me. My mom calls me his girlfriend. She's like, "Is that your girlfriend?" "Go get your girlfriend!" It's funny.
I'm not sure what I'll do workout wise today. I'm still sore from the race yesterday, but I wanted to increase my mileage this week, but I doubt I'll do it today. We'll see how I feel. I wanna lift today too, so I think I might do what I did last week and increase maybe Wed and Friday.
So I'm reading Romans, and today I'm on chapter 6. I'll just highlight something. Romans 6:4 We were therefore buried with Him through baptism into death in order that just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. And this, Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I love the illustration of that closeness. I mean to be made in His likeness I think of like physical features, but this highlights our souls. It's like He's my oxygen. Every breath, and every moment is granted because of His unconditional love. How amazing is that?! I made so many mistakes and am so selfish, yet He died for me! He took my place despite me cursing Him. This overwhelms in a very very good way. It's hard to comprehend. It's beyond my comprehension really.
I struggle with fear, but the one thing I do not fear is my reunion with Jesus in heaven when my body gives way. That's something I can cling to. Despite all that may happen, I can trust in that.
A lil' poem: When I fail, When I fall, When I let people down, And feel more of a fool than alive at all
When I attempt to do things on my own strength
When I forget who I am and jump into pits of sinking sand
When I hide from everyone and everything because I can't take it
When I need a hug and someone to wipe my tears
You love me the same
When I speak out of turn and lash out in anger despite having dirt in my own eyes
When I think things should go a certain way and I get frustrated when they aren't
When I pretend to be someone I'm not and idolize others and things
When I'm enslaved to my body and its desires
When I desperately need to truth to protect and heal me yet am not receptive
You love me the same
Thank You Lord for loving me despite my wicked ways. Teach me, discipline me, renew me, and search me. Grant me a pure heart and a desire to worship You all of my days. Help me love for You grow and grow and let it radiate. Help me not feel alone. Help me to seek You and follow You. In Your holy name, Amen.
I'm not sure what I'll do workout wise today. I'm still sore from the race yesterday, but I wanted to increase my mileage this week, but I doubt I'll do it today. We'll see how I feel. I wanna lift today too, so I think I might do what I did last week and increase maybe Wed and Friday.
So I'm reading Romans, and today I'm on chapter 6. I'll just highlight something. Romans 6:4 We were therefore buried with Him through baptism into death in order that just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. And this, Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I love the illustration of that closeness. I mean to be made in His likeness I think of like physical features, but this highlights our souls. It's like He's my oxygen. Every breath, and every moment is granted because of His unconditional love. How amazing is that?! I made so many mistakes and am so selfish, yet He died for me! He took my place despite me cursing Him. This overwhelms in a very very good way. It's hard to comprehend. It's beyond my comprehension really.
I struggle with fear, but the one thing I do not fear is my reunion with Jesus in heaven when my body gives way. That's something I can cling to. Despite all that may happen, I can trust in that.
A lil' poem: When I fail, When I fall, When I let people down, And feel more of a fool than alive at all
When I attempt to do things on my own strength
When I forget who I am and jump into pits of sinking sand
When I hide from everyone and everything because I can't take it
When I need a hug and someone to wipe my tears
You love me the same
When I speak out of turn and lash out in anger despite having dirt in my own eyes
When I think things should go a certain way and I get frustrated when they aren't
When I pretend to be someone I'm not and idolize others and things
When I'm enslaved to my body and its desires
When I desperately need to truth to protect and heal me yet am not receptive
You love me the same
Thank You Lord for loving me despite my wicked ways. Teach me, discipline me, renew me, and search me. Grant me a pure heart and a desire to worship You all of my days. Help me love for You grow and grow and let it radiate. Help me not feel alone. Help me to seek You and follow You. In Your holy name, Amen.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Everywhere I go I Know You're Not Far Away, You're Right Here
Max is playing with his bone, and I'm listening to WXHL; it's a radio station broadcasted from Wilmington, DE.
I did the elliptical in the basement and then decided to go through some of my bundle of stuff stored in the computer room down there. I came across a picture frame with a picture of me and someone else in it. I tried taking the picture out of the frame, but the picture has attached itself to the glass part of the frame. I tried detaching it, but it wouldn't budge, so I gave up. I got upset from the combination of seeing the picture and not being able to remove it from the frame.
Last night, I was going through some of that stuff as well and came across pictures of Sandy, and ofcourse I started crying over her. Then, I found some pictures and notes from someone as well. There were things from middle school and high school, and it just can be tough having memories come back. My life isn't horrible, it's just looking back and knowing all that's happened can be a rather hefty task.
Certain songs I will hear on the radio or whatever, and I'll have to skip them because of memories. I'm trying to forgive and let go. Forgive both myself and others. I'm trying to give up the various feelings I have concerning my past such as guilt, anger, depression, and confusion. I still don't have answers to certain things, and you know what, maybe I never will. It's all about acceptance though. I need to accept the reality of matters, yes, they have happened and I can't rewind and change what has happened. However, I can work on my attitude and pray that I would not let my past hinder my present and future. It's like history class, you can learn from the past so as not to repeat the mistakes of the past. Life is all about learning and growing, but I admit, a lof of the time I get discouraged 'cuz I feel like despite having "learned" something, I repeat my mistakes furthermore demonstrating I haven't "learned" anything.
Thank You Lord for working in my life and never letting go of me despite how awful and sinful I am. Please transform my mind, body, spirit, soul, my everything. Discipline me and grant me the fruits of the Spirit, so I can help further Your kingdom. Thanks for the family and friends that I have. Help me to store up treasures in heaven vs. here on earth. Help me to praise and worship You, the Creator, vs. creation. Amen.
I did the elliptical in the basement and then decided to go through some of my bundle of stuff stored in the computer room down there. I came across a picture frame with a picture of me and someone else in it. I tried taking the picture out of the frame, but the picture has attached itself to the glass part of the frame. I tried detaching it, but it wouldn't budge, so I gave up. I got upset from the combination of seeing the picture and not being able to remove it from the frame.
Last night, I was going through some of that stuff as well and came across pictures of Sandy, and ofcourse I started crying over her. Then, I found some pictures and notes from someone as well. There were things from middle school and high school, and it just can be tough having memories come back. My life isn't horrible, it's just looking back and knowing all that's happened can be a rather hefty task.
Certain songs I will hear on the radio or whatever, and I'll have to skip them because of memories. I'm trying to forgive and let go. Forgive both myself and others. I'm trying to give up the various feelings I have concerning my past such as guilt, anger, depression, and confusion. I still don't have answers to certain things, and you know what, maybe I never will. It's all about acceptance though. I need to accept the reality of matters, yes, they have happened and I can't rewind and change what has happened. However, I can work on my attitude and pray that I would not let my past hinder my present and future. It's like history class, you can learn from the past so as not to repeat the mistakes of the past. Life is all about learning and growing, but I admit, a lof of the time I get discouraged 'cuz I feel like despite having "learned" something, I repeat my mistakes furthermore demonstrating I haven't "learned" anything.
Thank You Lord for working in my life and never letting go of me despite how awful and sinful I am. Please transform my mind, body, spirit, soul, my everything. Discipline me and grant me the fruits of the Spirit, so I can help further Your kingdom. Thanks for the family and friends that I have. Help me to store up treasures in heaven vs. here on earth. Help me to praise and worship You, the Creator, vs. creation. Amen.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Nobody Said it was Easy
So I'm kinda pissed that fb isn't working. I was in a convo with someone and trying to start one with someone else. I could call them but let's think...it's past midnight and I'm not sure if they're up for a phone chat. I know my family is sleeping and wouldn't appreciate me carrying on up here, so perhaps I could escape to the downstairs but who knows.
The house is cold 'cuz we don't turn on the heat til winter at the earliest, but it's a good cold. It makes me feel more alive.
My heart is heavy. I feel so uncertain of so many things. I need to remind myself of the truths though.
God works for the good of those who love Him. Why do I fear so many things? Why do I feel as if I have to figure everything out?
I'm one to check up on the forecast. I don't do the 5 day or anything, just keep tabs on the following day. Yet, even the meteorologists aren't accurate at times. And often when I checked a forecast, it'll change when I recheck it a few hours later or whatever. I guess what I mean is that no matter what, God has provided us with resources in order to manage.
For one, He took our place and gave us a bridge to His kingdom. I mean, He has all this wisdom, power, and love, yet I walk around as if it's all on my shoulders. I have a problem coping with change and letting go of control. I have this ah obssession with being in control. When I'm not in control, I panic. I completely freak out.
I'm trying to think of a good example to somehow illustrate what I mean. Well, my dad told me he would arrive between 11-11:30 today. I had all my luggage outside ready to go around 11:15ish. I kept peering out the window at times and checking my phone. I was worried. He's always on time. Did something happen to him? Is he all right? Why hasn't he called yet? Did he remember today was the pick up day? I completely panicked. I wasn't in control. It was a fear of the unknown.
Patience. I need to wait and trust that no matter what happens, God is there with me through it all. Even if something awful had happened to my dad and that was the reason he wasn't on time, I have to trust that God will provide. I need to be still and know that He is God. I need to surrender myself. All my fears and weaknesses need to be confessed.
It helps for me to get all my feelings out vs. holding them in. I guess that makes me an extrovert or whatever.
The verse that keeps weighing on my heart is: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
I just need to keep on focusing and refocusing on truths vs. the lies I feed myself and allow myself to believe. In VBS years ago, we had that whole discussion of building your house on a sandy land vs. on a rock. I tend to ping pong between the two.
Lord, thank You for delivering me. Thanks for dying for me. Take these desires in my heart and renew me. Grant me wisdom, strength, peace, and patience to do Your will. Heal my heart. Help my love for You grow and radiate. Your child, Kelly. Amen.
The house is cold 'cuz we don't turn on the heat til winter at the earliest, but it's a good cold. It makes me feel more alive.
My heart is heavy. I feel so uncertain of so many things. I need to remind myself of the truths though.
God works for the good of those who love Him. Why do I fear so many things? Why do I feel as if I have to figure everything out?
I'm one to check up on the forecast. I don't do the 5 day or anything, just keep tabs on the following day. Yet, even the meteorologists aren't accurate at times. And often when I checked a forecast, it'll change when I recheck it a few hours later or whatever. I guess what I mean is that no matter what, God has provided us with resources in order to manage.
For one, He took our place and gave us a bridge to His kingdom. I mean, He has all this wisdom, power, and love, yet I walk around as if it's all on my shoulders. I have a problem coping with change and letting go of control. I have this ah obssession with being in control. When I'm not in control, I panic. I completely freak out.
I'm trying to think of a good example to somehow illustrate what I mean. Well, my dad told me he would arrive between 11-11:30 today. I had all my luggage outside ready to go around 11:15ish. I kept peering out the window at times and checking my phone. I was worried. He's always on time. Did something happen to him? Is he all right? Why hasn't he called yet? Did he remember today was the pick up day? I completely panicked. I wasn't in control. It was a fear of the unknown.
Patience. I need to wait and trust that no matter what happens, God is there with me through it all. Even if something awful had happened to my dad and that was the reason he wasn't on time, I have to trust that God will provide. I need to be still and know that He is God. I need to surrender myself. All my fears and weaknesses need to be confessed.
It helps for me to get all my feelings out vs. holding them in. I guess that makes me an extrovert or whatever.
The verse that keeps weighing on my heart is: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
I just need to keep on focusing and refocusing on truths vs. the lies I feed myself and allow myself to believe. In VBS years ago, we had that whole discussion of building your house on a sandy land vs. on a rock. I tend to ping pong between the two.
Lord, thank You for delivering me. Thanks for dying for me. Take these desires in my heart and renew me. Grant me wisdom, strength, peace, and patience to do Your will. Heal my heart. Help my love for You grow and radiate. Your child, Kelly. Amen.
Monday, October 4, 2010
A Deep Longing
My dad's so hilarious. He helps me keep my sanity. I'm glad we share the same sense of humor. I do drive him nuts and he drives me nuts, but at the end of the day we know we love each other despite our differences on certain things.
My dad is one of my heroes. I'm not a fan of that word, because I think people go overboard with it ever since 9/11, but that's just me. HAH.
He was the one to push me to get help when I desperately needed it, and has done so ever since. It's loving someone to the point when despite them cursing you, you still battle it out to get them help. You keep taking care of them despite their reactions to you and other things.
We've had our share of arguments. I've said some awful things, but we're grown from it all.
When I curse God, my dad has pulled me back to reality. He doesn't tell me what to do, but he expresses his thoughts in such a way that I'm forced to evaluate how I am living my life and why I'm doing what I'm doing and how my life is impacting others.
It's hard to talk like this, but I can't imagine not having my parents around. I have some friends and know of some people my age who have lost their parents, and I'm scared of that.
I mean, who is really prepared for the death of loved ones? It's hard looking at pictures. To me, pictures possess a lot. When I went to a funeral of a girl who committed suicide in 7th grade, I couldn't go view her in the coffin. There's just something with viewing the body at a funeral that I can't handle. I think it's because it's the confirmation that the person is indeed NOT breathing/responding anymore. I've been to serveral funerals and the hardest part has always been the viewing.
I've never been to a burial. I really don't think I could handle that. Wow, thinking about my family and friends dying is really upsetting. Death is so final. I don't deal well with change as is.
In healthcare, death wishes are somewhat complex. Does the patient have advanced directives? What are their wishes?
My wishes are to be a DNR (do not resuscitate). I also want my body donated to science. I don't really want a viewing, funeral, burial. If they want to have a candle light service or something that'd be fine.
Well, I have a deep longing to reach out to others and others have done to me. I have this desire to help people. I wanna learn about them and grow with them. I see a lot of things and feel a lot of things during the course of a day. I want to help restore that emptiness that we all have. I'm not saying in my own power, but leading people to resources such as the Lord and perhaps physical resources of a hug and kind words or something to help others get by. Even if it's just a smile.
Smiles are beautiful :-)
My dad is one of my heroes. I'm not a fan of that word, because I think people go overboard with it ever since 9/11, but that's just me. HAH.
He was the one to push me to get help when I desperately needed it, and has done so ever since. It's loving someone to the point when despite them cursing you, you still battle it out to get them help. You keep taking care of them despite their reactions to you and other things.
We've had our share of arguments. I've said some awful things, but we're grown from it all.
When I curse God, my dad has pulled me back to reality. He doesn't tell me what to do, but he expresses his thoughts in such a way that I'm forced to evaluate how I am living my life and why I'm doing what I'm doing and how my life is impacting others.
It's hard to talk like this, but I can't imagine not having my parents around. I have some friends and know of some people my age who have lost their parents, and I'm scared of that.
I mean, who is really prepared for the death of loved ones? It's hard looking at pictures. To me, pictures possess a lot. When I went to a funeral of a girl who committed suicide in 7th grade, I couldn't go view her in the coffin. There's just something with viewing the body at a funeral that I can't handle. I think it's because it's the confirmation that the person is indeed NOT breathing/responding anymore. I've been to serveral funerals and the hardest part has always been the viewing.
I've never been to a burial. I really don't think I could handle that. Wow, thinking about my family and friends dying is really upsetting. Death is so final. I don't deal well with change as is.
In healthcare, death wishes are somewhat complex. Does the patient have advanced directives? What are their wishes?
My wishes are to be a DNR (do not resuscitate). I also want my body donated to science. I don't really want a viewing, funeral, burial. If they want to have a candle light service or something that'd be fine.
Well, I have a deep longing to reach out to others and others have done to me. I have this desire to help people. I wanna learn about them and grow with them. I see a lot of things and feel a lot of things during the course of a day. I want to help restore that emptiness that we all have. I'm not saying in my own power, but leading people to resources such as the Lord and perhaps physical resources of a hug and kind words or something to help others get by. Even if it's just a smile.
Smiles are beautiful :-)
Sunday, October 3, 2010
hello, I miss you, let me hold you close and forever
So I'm just waiting to head out to Sunday school. I might just jot some stuff down that runs across my mind.
I love looking in people's eyes. Despite me being nervous about making eye contact, I see a lot of meaning to it.
Katie's foot got run over by someone driving one of those motorized chair vehicle thingers. I'm telling ya, they have no mercy. When they wanna move, "get out the way!"
Joel and I had a good talk with this guy selling PSU stuff. His prices were awesome.
I got pissed at this girl who smacked my backpack while walking behind me and I go loudly, "That was rude!" Katie and Joel witnessed that, so that was great.
Highlights of the hypnotist: guy dancing Michael Jackson, girl dancing Lady Gaga, two guys dancing the Waltz, all subjects dancing the chicken dance, guy standing up screaming, "I'm wearing women's underwear!"
I got to hang out for a bit with Mr. Briggs and his family. I was glad to see them. His daughter got a multiple colored lighting up pacifer thing despite her being too old for a pacifer. His son got a sword that lights up multiple colors. His other son had run a cross country meet the previous day, and he's very well.
Well, I'm going to finish getting ready. I'm lucky to have the family and friends that I do. All the people I got to hang out at the fair with yesterday: Heather, Katie, Joel, and Briggs I consider close friends and they're all Christians so that's a common thing between all of them.
I'm looking forward to seeing my family. I really miss them. I can't wait to give my dad a hug when he comes to pick/pack me up. I'm going to Shiloh on Tuesday before my dad and I depart and I'm going to have him meet Pastor Lyon :-) My dad means a lot to me and so does Pastor Lyon, so it's very special to me to have them meet.
Well, I'll quit stalling. Have a great day. ;-)
I love looking in people's eyes. Despite me being nervous about making eye contact, I see a lot of meaning to it.
Katie's foot got run over by someone driving one of those motorized chair vehicle thingers. I'm telling ya, they have no mercy. When they wanna move, "get out the way!"
Joel and I had a good talk with this guy selling PSU stuff. His prices were awesome.
I got pissed at this girl who smacked my backpack while walking behind me and I go loudly, "That was rude!" Katie and Joel witnessed that, so that was great.
Highlights of the hypnotist: guy dancing Michael Jackson, girl dancing Lady Gaga, two guys dancing the Waltz, all subjects dancing the chicken dance, guy standing up screaming, "I'm wearing women's underwear!"
I got to hang out for a bit with Mr. Briggs and his family. I was glad to see them. His daughter got a multiple colored lighting up pacifer thing despite her being too old for a pacifer. His son got a sword that lights up multiple colors. His other son had run a cross country meet the previous day, and he's very well.
Well, I'm going to finish getting ready. I'm lucky to have the family and friends that I do. All the people I got to hang out at the fair with yesterday: Heather, Katie, Joel, and Briggs I consider close friends and they're all Christians so that's a common thing between all of them.
I'm looking forward to seeing my family. I really miss them. I can't wait to give my dad a hug when he comes to pick/pack me up. I'm going to Shiloh on Tuesday before my dad and I depart and I'm going to have him meet Pastor Lyon :-) My dad means a lot to me and so does Pastor Lyon, so it's very special to me to have them meet.
Well, I'll quit stalling. Have a great day. ;-)
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