Stand There

Stand there and smile and tell me not to worry because it's no surprise

I see what's behind your evil grin; I breathe in your intoxicated soul

Memories won't finish what you've instilled in me

Only blank pages exist in this diary



Shed some light onto this roof top because soon enough I'll jump off

I hear your clever words shooting, stabbing like arrows piercing my heart

Time won't heal this insanity

Paddling on a midnight sea



Come once, come all, dance beyond this overwhelming waterfall

I feel the soothing wind of your presence yet why are you at such a distance?

Mend this here Raggedy Ann

Skipping stones wishing to be anyone but me

Hold Me

I walked through the gate, and sat down on my chair on the ride Stratos Fear. I assumed the attendant would fasten the buckle and examine that black harness thing that lies on your chest area. The ride started to ascend, and I start freaking out because I'm wasn't sure if I was fully secured! If you are not familiar with this ride, you sit with your legs dangling and you go up very high and then plummet very quickly! As I was being lifted into the air, thoughts rushed through my head. 'What if I didn't make it? What would happen if I died? Who would care?' I came to the conclusion that if I were to have died then and there that the event would make headlines in a few newspapers and I'd be the talk of the town for a day or two and then no one would mention me. That's how I feel. I got off the ride and felt really depressed.

As I ventured through the park, I saw people and wondered to myself if they were happy. Are they Christians? Do they have hope? What's going on in their lives? Are they content with their lives at this point?

As I was leaving, there was a parking employee that was holding up traffic by goofing around with someone arriving at the park. There's a time for fun and games, but then there's a time to do your job and consider other people. A part of it was jealousy too. I like to goof around but at more appropriate settings and timing than this employee and I feel I don't have anyone.

I miss the days of living across the street from the park and just playing all day. Yesterday I came across a playground with a wiggly bridge. I love wiggly bridges, but it was in use, so I didn't go run across it despite wanting to. I saw the family playing on it, and I missed those days of feeling like people paid attention to me and that I was valued and loved. I heard their laughter, saw their smiles, and understood the love they had for each other. I got a lump in my throat and kept going to my destination.

I positioned my bike and helmet behind me as I sat on the curb. This woman comes along and parks her stroller and stands directly in my view of the street/parade; therefore, I had to stand despite wanting to rest after my bike ride in order to see the parade. I felt it was rude of her, but I didn't want to cause a scene and angrily ask her to move the hell out of my way. I was there before her and her and her company clearly saw me as I was, as usual, in bright clothing!

Managed to get to this awesome park. Started riding only to hit a dead end and arrive at a really steep descend into a river! Ooops! I turned around and went the correct way on the trail! I came across various groups of people and tried to take in the beauty of my surroundings. Being in the shade and completely surrounded by trees makes me feel a sense of seclusion and it calms me down. It reminds me of the Keane lyric, "so why don't we go somewhere only we know."

In conclusion, despite how I feel, I must cling to Truth.
"And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?"-Lifehouse
Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
"You break my heart of stone."-Brave Saint Saturn

Black: The Absence of Color

Wearing a mask

A daily task

Playing this game called identity charades

Everything you had and were quickly fades 

I will play the part 

No matter the quivering, broken heart

Dancing under the moonlight

Back and forth without a fight

I am worthless as can be

Therefore a slave is me

Venom of nightmares engulf like a sea

Flames of demons are all I can see

Black, the absence of color

My mask, my identity

I'll admit, when the sun shines, it shines; however, when it rains, it pours. 

Can I dance in your sunshine? Can I feel the warmth of you on my face and smile as you're with me wherever I go? I see you above me and I feel safe. Please don't hide. Please don't leave. Take me away from this. Take me to where you are. Take me up in your arms and hoist me over your back. Carry me. Carry me far far away and grant me your peace. 

Bring it to the Light

Step into the light and let me see. Let me hold you close and be all that you need. 

Don't be shy. Don't be ashamed. I'm not going anywhere. I am who will remain. 

Why all the lies? Why all the scars? Reveal them to me. Reveal who you are. 

Mark my words. I love you for you. You are precious to me. You're all that I see. 

I'll walk through fire. I'll quench the flames that have engulfed your soul. 

Don't let them strike you. Don't let them defeat you. 

Why so pale? Why so frail? I'll give you my strength. I'll carry you and make you whole.  

Keep my heart. I am yours. You are worth it, worth so much more than you'll ever know. 

Looking in your eyes, I can feel your frigid fears. Surrender your soul to someone who will never let go. 

Don't flee. Don't doubt. 

Why let them win? Why not put up a fight?

Trust the one who gives you a peace that will transcend anything you ever had or ever will face. 

A Moment in Your Arms Became the Reason Why

Psalm 40:1-6 
I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord. 

Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders You have done. The things You planned for us no one can recount to You; were I to speak and tell of them; they would be too many to declare. 

*I'll admit, I'm not very patient. I want to know things and when I have to wait for answers, I go nuts. 

The Lord knows all; He is in control, yet why do I feel life can be so out of control? Think of all that we don't know. For instance, the weather is not always how the meteorologists predict it to be. Our health is not as we hope/expect it to be mentally, physically and emotionally. People are born and people die second after second, minute after minute, hour after hour. The sun rises and the sun sets. Our fears can consume us and our ailments can define us. Where is our site? Are we looking behind us, in front of us, or within ourselves for answers? Do we look to God for direction in our lives, or do we just grip our steering wheels with death grips and drive with all our might into a destination of no return?

Open my eyes, Lord, to see Your beauty in all things. Help me to praise You through all things. Still my heart and renew my soul. I need You. I so desperately need You. 

Who is it? Who is standing there behind us? When we turn around, do we see who is standing there, or do we just turn around and see completely nothing?

From where do these voices originate? Why do they suddenly consume us? The wind whistles as if mocking us; we are knocked off our feet in an instant. 

Cursing the sky, we pound our fists against the concrete. As we bleed we cry out, "Is this what being alive is all about?! Suffering with the chaos in our heads?! Why?! Why on earth are we here and where the heck are we going?! We feel like such a waste of space, yet we're supposed to be content with life?! Content with the madness in which paralyzes us from being free to experience life to the fullest?! Why these chains?! Why?!"

As our anger turns to sadness, we lay on the concrete. The sky darkens, clouds move in, and rain trickles down our quivering bodies. 

We slowly inhale then slowly exhale as if breathing differently would clear our minds. We taste the rain. Gazing into the distance, as if some sort of distraction would save us, we sigh. With all our might, we push up with our hands and feet and stumble forward. 

A tree catches our eye. So incredibly tall and stable, yet we are lost. Where is home? Where have we wandered to? None of this is familiar. It's all as if we're in a dream. Maybe if we climb this tree, we can discover our way home. 

The tree is soaked and getting a strong foothold and firm grip is very difficult. Why? Why can't things just work out how we want them to? Why can't things be simple? Why must climbing a tree be such an ordeal. Why did it have to rain? 

Cars zoom by and their headlights hurt our eyes. Why do people drive so fast? Why don't they look where they're going? Oh wait, we are the ones lost now, aren't we? 

*That's all I got for now. More to come at some point. Thanks for reading. ;-) *

Confession: I need You

Psalm 43:5 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.

My mind has a way of ruining things. I could "have it all together," but still feel like a worthless piece of crap and wish I was dead.

My mom has said that I have a lot going for me, but what people forget to realize is that often when you see actors and actresses perform incredibly on stage and receive numerous awards, fame and fortune, are they truly fulfilled? Do they go home with a smile and feel content?

People tend to judge by what they know about you from a distance. For instance, someone could say someone's profession and immediately you think you know how smart they are, how much money they make, and whether they are getting pleasure from life. Really? Then, we assume we know their personality, physical attributes, habits, etc. I'm not denying the fact that I judge people from knowing very little; however, I'm saying that we tend to base a lot on what job/profession people have. Granted, you invest the majority of your life working, so why not choose something fulfilling? But, what is fulfilling? Tell me, what job is truly satisfying? What job could you do that when you come home and smile ear to ear and do a little happy dance? My point exactly. None.

I'm a nurse. I love helping people and being there for them; however, when I come home, I feel worthless. Why? My mind. No matter whether I did everything right or everything wrong or had complex patients or very simple ones, I feel the same. Worthless.

I feel like Jasmine from Aladdin when she gets stuck in that hourglass sand timer thing. I'm simply stuck. Time is going by, and I feel stuck.

I'd write more, but I'm getting upset.

Come Inside and Stay a While

Whack! The front door flies open as I dart through it, shimmy down the stars, and rapidly flail my arms and legs back and forth as I run across the street to the park. I stand tall and proudly on the soft green grass on top of the hill. I gaze around to survey the park activity. 

A young mother is pushing her baby forward in a swing. She smiles as her baby has this dull expression on her face. Babies often look confused and like blobs to me. It's like people want babies to be happy as they are brought up into the strange world, but it's often hard to tell what on earth they are thinking. 

The silver metal slide shines. It intimates me because of it's height, but I'm captivated by it. I throw my arms up in excitement and rush to the bottom of its stairs. As I climb, I intensely focus on my footing and grasp extra carefully the bars on each side. The sun caresses my face as I get higher. The beauty of its rays makes me smile. I firmly place my feet on the top of the slide. I've reached the top. It's time to venture down it. I hesitate. I look around and see if anyone is watching. Why am I suddenly scared? I've reached the top. I'm where I so much wanted to be! This is my chance! This is what I wanted to experience! Why am I shaking? Why can't I catch my breath? 

The fear consumes me. I look down at my legs and realize my knees are shaking. I steady them and a shiver runs down my spine. Sweat trickles down my neck, and I can't think. 

No one is at the park anymore. No cars are driving by. No one is outside their homes. Although the sun is shining, all I see is darkness. What do I do? 

I feel my body grow unsteady again. I sway backwards but quickly grasp the bars and hold myself up. 

My heart is pounding and I can't see clearly. Everything is spinning. 

I hear someone. I hear someone saying something. It's not clear. I can't make out the words. Where is this voice coming from? 

"Kelly!......Kel!.....KELLY!!!!" It's my mom. I recognize the voice. Where is she yelling from? 

My eyes kick back into focus. I scan the park. Ah, there she is! She's in the front yard of the house! She's worried. She looks like she might cry. Her eyes are weary. 

My throat is so dry. I mouth words, but nothing comes forth. I cough and gather the strength to yell back. I disguise my fear and confidently holler, "Hi, Mom!"

"Time for dinner!"

"I'll be right there!" 

I gulp. That means I have to go down the slide. I look at my mom as she's staring at me. I feel pressure. I have to do this. I look down the slide then back at my mom. She has her hands on her hips. I don't want to scare her, nor do I want to disappoint her. 

I close my eyes, take a deep breath in, and bend my knees. I sit on the cool metal. Here goes. I fling myself forward. The rush of the wind gives me goose bumps. My hair dances backwards and I'm speechless. 

My feet hit the sand. With disbelief, I stand. I run home faster than I've ever run before. 

I enter the front door and feel the warmth of the house. I so desperately need a hug, but am too ashamed to ask for one. I sit on a wooden chair at the kitchen table with a zombie-like expression. It's time to eat, but I have no appetite. I force myself to eat, but am numb. 

No matter how distant or close you feel to feeling truly alive, there are eyes on you. 
You can be alone, but eyes are on you. His eyes are on you. I've been physically alone, yet the Lord is still by my side. I've cried alone in my bed, but the Lord's eyes are on me. I've felt alone at work, but the Lord is right by my side. I may be weak, but He is strong. 

Have you ever felt alone in your thoughts? Alone in your body? Have you felt that no one feels how you feel? No one has been through what you've been through? No one can ever even come close to what you've been through, where you are, and/or where you are going? Ever feel these things? 

Guess what? He did too. God humbled Himself into the image of man (Philippians. 2). He came onto this earth. He walked on this earth, even walked on water, and went through all sorts of trials. He was rejected by His own people. His own people spit on Him and crucified Him. They brutally beat Him and nailed His hands and feet to a cross for Him to hang until His death. 

Reach out to the One who will never leave nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
Reach out to the One who is the One and Only One who can strengthen you through all things (Philippians 4:13). 
Reach out the the One who will wipe your every tear (Revelation 21:4)
Reach out because He loves you (John 3:16). 

People have fear, hurt, and loneliness in their eyes. Take the moment to just say, "Hi," or, "How are you?" Even if you don't know them. Take the time to share God's love just by acknowledging their presence. You'll be amazed how far a simple greeting can go. You might find that a simple greeting can turn into a deep conversation and perhaps saving them into the eternal kingdom of our Lord!

It'd be nice to say I feel fine. Everything's okay. Life is grand. But to say all these things would simply be a lie. 

This picture is a picture I've used in the past to express how I feel. Yes, I feel like a shattered glass. 

I'm sorry all I am is a mess up. I'm sorry all I am is a disappointment.

I'm somewhere between here and there. I'm caught in a ditch without a direction. I'm walking on this path in the dark, alone. The trees shake in the wind. I feel the chill. There's no turning back. No going forward.
l
The wind engulfs me. I'm tossed and turned. I grasp my collar to try to block the wind from its pull. I hold on with all my might to the clothes on my skin, but the wind rattles my bones.

I see a girl looking back at me. Her eyes penetrate into my soul. She looks familiar, but I can't quite make out who she is. She is so serious. Tears run down her face as she whispers into my ear softly, "I once knew you, but now you are a mystery. I wish I never knew you. Who you are right now is who I hate. Go from me and never return."

She slowly backs away. Our eyes meet again. For the last time. My lip quivers. I nod. She just stares then turns her back and flees. She's wearing a black cape and it blows in the wind as she runs away from me. I stare at the cape as it represent authority. Her power. Her love. Her embrace. I've thrown it all away.

She once believed in me. She once held me as her own. Now, I have nothing. I've lost her.

A man jumps out in front of me. He tells me to hold his hand. His hand is so warm. I hold on for dear life. We walk a ways, but then he hears some rustling of leaves, so he decides to investigate. He lets go. He's gone.

I keep looking for him, but he's no where to be found.

I keep going. I stumble. I cry. I see a tree that's somehow resisting the wind. I crouch down into the fetal position and hug myself for warmth. I lean into the tree and talk to it. I tell the tree how scared and sorry I am. I pour out my soul to the tree. I gasp and bury myself in my tears.

Help Me To See You

Psalm 139: 13-14
For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful.

Lord, You are so beyond anything I'll ever be able to comprehend or understand. Please give me a steadfast heart that seeks You with everything breath I take. Help me not to fear the unknowns of this life and to not be discouraged by circumstances. You are there throughout everything. You hold me close and never let go. Help me to draw close to You through all. You are the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Take me and make me whole. In Your Name, Amen.

Isaiah 55: 6-9
Seek the Lord while He may be found; call on Him while He is near. Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the Lord and He will have mercy on him, and to our God for He will freely pardon. "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts."

I need to trust the Lord with my life. There are so many things that get in the way of me seeking Him. I get distracted by the things of this world and get caught up in things that don't matter on the eternity level. Why do I cling to things that won't satisfy me? Why do I take Him for granted? Why do I put Him in a box or on a shelf when in all reality He is the most important thing there is? He has provided for me. He has blessed me with an amazing family, some close friends, food, shelter, a job, and a church family. He has given me breath and has rescued me from the pit of despair. He is my hope. He is the one thing in this world that cannot be shaken no will He forsake me.

Psalm 62:8 Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.

Lord, help me to surrender my ways to You. Help me to see Your faithfulness in my life. Help me to cling to Your promises and Your ways. Help me to seek You and to love You more and more. In Your Name, Amen.

Romans 8:11 And if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit, who lives in you.

I need life, Lord. Give me life. Give me Your Spirit. Give me a Spirit that yearns and clings to You in all and every situation(s). Help me to define myself by You and not of things of this world. You are my peace. You are my strength. Help my heart to beat for You. Help my soul to be satisfied as if with the richest of foods because Your love is better than life. Help me to see myself in Your eyes, Lord. Help me to be Your child and to listen to Your instructions. Break me. Break all of me. Help me to love You with my first love of You. You are so beyond my comprehension. Your love is unconditional and defeats all. You are a conquerer. You are the most powerful and mighty being there is. Who/what shall I fear when I have You?

Bless my family,friends, fellow believers, and those who need You.

Psalm 63 says, "Because Your love is better than life, my lips will praise You." Something like that. That's my paraphrasing. That is incredible that the Lord's love is better than life. I don't really view life as something all that great, but it's saying that the awesome experiences that we have during this life, are nothing compared to the Lord's love. His love surpasses all.

Lord, take my emptiness. Take my brokenness. Give me a heart that yearns for You in a dry and weary land where there is no water. Lord, I need You. Restore my soul. Amen.

My lips are quivering but You deliver me

Life is unpredictable. You wake up, and you don't know what'll happen. You have plans in your head and/or obligations for the day, but you don't exactly know how things will unravel.

Work is probably the best example of this. I go in, I don't even know which floor I'm on between the two floors. I don't know what patients I will be assigned to. You never know if they'll remain stable or go downhill. The doctors switch around medications and other things throughout the shift. Patients come and go from tests. Family come and go. You're somehow supposed to keep it all together no matter the emotional and physical toll.

I don't know the future. I have my dreams of what I want to get out of life and how I want it all to play out. But it's not up to me. I need to give it to God. Fully trust and place my confidence in Him. He has promised to never leave nor forsake me, but I doubt Him a lot. I doubt that He will provide. I doubt that things will work out. I doubt that I'll be okay.

John 6:47-48 I tell you the truth, he who believes has everlasting life. I am the bread of life.

Lord, please help me to trust You with all that I am. Please help me to praise You through all circumstances. Whether I live in need or in plenty, help me to find rest in You and You alone. Amen.

You're the Only One Who Knows Who I Really Am

Take me. Take these scars. Take these fears. Hold me close. Never let me go. Embrace me. Breathe life into this dead soul. Energize me with Your everlasting love. Renew me. Lift up my face when all I can see is the dirt I've created.

How could You love me? How could You take it upon Yourself to die for me? I don't deserve that kind of love. I don't deserve anything. I deserve death. I deserve to have the worst.

I am so unworthy, yet You overcame everything so that I might live. Please renew me. Help me not to forsake my first love for You. Your ways are beyond mine. You are so beyond me. Please help me to trust You. Help me to pour out my soul to You. You are my peace.

It Overwhelms Me that You Still Care

"Sometimes I cry because I can't believe Your love is big enough to cover me"-TFK

You carry me. You protect me. You free me. I might feel all alone, but You are with me always. Where can I go where You aren't there? Where can I hide? You see me. You always do. Please, please, please, free me from all my chains. Give me Your peace and wisdom and strength to get through each day. I need You.

Driving back from work in the rain was so peaceful. I love the darkness of the night and the temperature was so nice. The rain and be very tranquil. I like being out in the rain at times. I wanna go walking in the rain when it's warm enough to do so and just soak it up. Close my eyes and feel it. Let it become a part of me. That's what I want. I want to love people and have them love me. I want them to feel connected to me and I to them. I want my heart to be a part of their heart.

I can go back in my mind to some really deep moments in my life. Some were phenomenal in terms of joyful & happy and others were horrific paralyzing fearful painful moments, but all are puzzle pieces of the large picture of life. God allows things for a reason. He has a plan that is beyond us. In the midst of trials we tend to hate everything and curse God. What good does that do? He will help us overcome any & everything. He overcame this world. He will and does provide. He is everlasting and the only One who can do more than we can ever imagine or possibly fathom.

My heart and flesh may give way, but You remain. You simply remain. Thank You.

When We Fade Into Nothing

I think of the greatest moments in my life thus far. I think about how I was feeling, what I was doing, who I was with, and I think of how I can attain more moments like them. 

 

Various races have been significantly rewarding. One was in high school, at night on the track. It was the 2miler and it was my best time. 13:02 I think it was. I felt strong and I loved the coolness of the night. The lights weren't super bright or obnoxious. I didn't win the race nor did I lose it. I was in the middle but for me personally, I was soaring. My legs were in such a rhythm and my heart was set on the journey. My soul was embraced in the chanting cadence around the track. I felt as if no one was there but me. I knew other people were on the track. I knew people were in the stands. But all in all, I was by myself running in another world. I gave it my all and I felt so great afterwards. I was so happy I cried inside. I didn't want my teammates seeing me cry or asking me what happened or anything. It was just an overwhelming feeling to accomplish my best race and to feel so great during the journey. That's what I want my life to be like. I want to enjoy the journey and look back and feel the rush and joy of it all. I want to smile and cherish everything. 

Another race was this past New Year's Eve. It was a 5k and it was chilly outside because it was on a winter night, but it was amazing. I listened to Florence and the Machine's, "Shake It Out" repeatedly during my warm up. I flew. I flat out flew during this race because to me it was my way of living out the lyrics: 

"And I've been a fool and I've been blind

I can never leave the past behind

I can see no way, I can see no way

I'm always dragging that horse around

All of his questions such a mournful sound

Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground

'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkness before the dawn"

 

Another race was in Berwick that I got my best 6miler time. That was full of snow, wind, chills, and hills. Getting through it all made it so worth it. I had two friends that showed up to cheer me on and to support me. I'm so thankful for that. It was amazing. 

The other moment was when I got back from a church camp when I was in middle school. It was called Circle K and it was in the woods like cabins, outhouses, wooden outdoor showers ha ha, campfires, capture the flag! It was oh so awesome! I remember getting home from it and being outside of my house and just being outside in the yard staring up in the sky singing, "Shout to the Lord." That was my favorite worship song. We had this one night of chapel when they shared a drama with music thing I can't recall the name but it had such a powerful message about God's love and how He wipes us clean. It broke me and many others and we all just wept and wept. It was so special. His love overcomes all obstacles. His love is so powerful. I'm in awe of Him. 

Lord, please help me to have more special moments in my life. Help me to feel Your love and grace. Help me to feel Your presence no matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing. You are my strength and stronghold. When the rain comes, You comfort me. When the sun is shining, You are with me and my smiling face. You are the air I breathe. Hold me. Your child forever, Amen.