Why are we here? When it comes to the end of the day, I find myself asking rather deep questions. I find myself wanting to just stare at the sky and ask God why? Why did He go through all this trouble creating this earth and everything in it? 


I guess I just feel overwhelmed and worthless again. I can't say that I've worked many, if any, days when I come home from work and feel accomplished. I feel like unsteady. I don't quite feel proud or great about what I do for a living. Nursing is "such a great profession" or whatever people say about it. But I'm so hard on myself and so unsatisfied all the time that I hardly know what it is to feel. I'm so fearful it's like I walk around worrying and not actually experiencing anything. I just wonder if people pick up on this that I'm in my own little world and not in touch with reality.


It's hard to pretend. It's hard to force a smile. I had one patient's son recognize this and point it out to me today. He said, "Kelly, what's wrong? You don't seem happy." I almost broke down on the spot but held it together somehow. I said something along the lines of, "Oh, I just have a lot on my mind. I'm trying to keep things together." And it just upset me that I'm so miserable that people can recognize it on my face. He read me so clearly. Is that what I'm giving back? A miserable frantic aura?


Give it all to God. Give Him all I have. Despite feeling like nothing, I am His. 

Your Eyes See Straight Through Me

I'm laying in my bed reflecting. The over nighter with the youth group was really awesome. I'm exhausted from it and working the weekend, but it was worth it. I'd have it no other way.

I feel regretful tonight. I wish things in my life would have happened differently, but what am I to do? I wish I had an eraser. Something to take the pain and memories away. I'm trying to reason with myself and understand that what's done has been done and that I can't do anything about it, yet my past haunts me. By past I mean everything from what has happened today from years and years ago bothers me.

Thinking about things that have happened makes me feel insecure. I judge myself by what's happened, and I fear the future. I don't wanna be alone relationship wise for the rest of my life yet I don't picture myself with anyone. I flat out don't know anyone crazy enough to wanna be with me! I just want so badly to be loved. I wanna feel that I'm, as cliche, "okay just the way I am." Why is that so hard?

The thing is, it's not that people don't love me and care for me in my life. I have the Lord, family, and friends that definitely do, it's just convincing myself and having it actually get through to me. It's the same thing for compliments, you can tell me til you're blue in the face that I'm this or that and I will not agree. :-/

I'm so so lucky, yet I feel nothing at times. I pray for a brand new day. Lord, please grant me the strength to accept Your love and mercy and power. Help me to surrender all my insecurities to You and You alone. Take my heart and renew me. Make me more and more like You. Help me to find myself in You and to feel Your presence and love. You're all that I have, all that I am.

Just Have Your Way

Lord, I'm so broken. I'm such a fragile thing at times and it scares me.

I could blame various things, but it's all because I cling to things other than You. I cling to fear.

Work stresses me out but the conversations I take personally at times. I freak out about doing everything perfect and fear messing up something or not knowing something. If I'm not living, what am I doing? I'm running away from reality. I'm wanting to be someone else. I'm wanting to feel differently than how I feel, but I'm still caught up in the same old damn things.

I hate being alone relationship wise, but I know it's what I'm meant to do now.

I hate feeling alone in my thoughts and isolated from others in that respect.

I hate being insecure, yet I do everything to flee from You and from surrendering myself to You.

Help me to accept Your love and to love myself. Lord, help me to honor You. Help me to find myself in You and not in the things of this world. Help me to build my house upon the Rock. Help me to love as You have loved. Help me to fall in love with You and You alone. Yours, Kelly.

Death

So my day started with me burning my hair in a candle. I was going to spit out my mouthwash while holding my lap top that had a candle ontop of it along with my phones. My hair is long and it got into the candle. The ashes were thrown into the sink, but the stank is still here. 


I think it's very symbolic. Things happen in our lives and we "throw them aside" but that doesn't mean they don't linger afterwards. The stench is still smelt, and we are still reminded of our past. We can extinguish flames, but we still see the destruction and feel it. 


Today has been rough in the fact that I'm very emotional and cried over a check not being on my statement, but I figured out what happened. I called my dad crying and he's used to this. He told me that he wouldn't change a thing about me and that he doesn't know why I don't like myself. He reminded me that the pressure I put on myself is not necessary. I'm so broken, but he accepts me and encourages me. My dad is very awesome, but he's awesome because he's wise. He's not above me, he's right there beside me throughout things. 


I used to call my dad in high school everyday before lunch because that's when I got most anxious. I feel very empty right now, scared, and alone. I know that these are all lies. My heavenly Father and actual father are right there beside me. When I am weak, He makes me strong. He carries me through it all. All the scars and flames that try to isolate me and take me away, He fights and overcomes all barriers to meet me where I am. He laid down His life for me. He conquers all. He overcomes all barriers I attempt to put up, and I fall to my knees because I am far too weak without Him. He's so much more than I can fathom. 


When I'm here crying and falling apart, He takes it upon Himself to come to me, to rescue me, and leave me breathless. Help me Lord, help me to become more like You and to surrender all my insecurities, imperfections, and sinful ways to You. Help make me new. I am Yours. 

hmmm

So, I'm in my bed thinking about things. Well, by the world's standards, I'm doing okay. 


I have a full-time job with benefits, a new car, and a house to live in. I have food, shelter, space. My family loves me as do friends. 


Did you ever feel like you just want out? I just want to get away from it all. I feel like I just want God to come down to this earth and give me a hug. I want to go with Him in a secluded place and just heal my heart. I feel at times that He's far away, but in all reality, He's a living God who is near me no matter where I am. 


I'm overwhelmed by life circumstances right now, but God is higher and mightier than anything I will ever have to endure. He is beyond my comprehension and can help me overcome anything. ANYTHING. When I am weak, He is strong. When I am lost, I am found in Him. 


That's easier said than done. Faith is believing, trusting, continuing to renew your beliefs on a daily basis. I can't just claim to be a Christian and just leave my beliefs on a table for Sunday. I can't be who I am not. I am created in God's own image. I am His. He is my Father. He paid the penalty for my sins, and I owe my everything to Him. He laid down His life for me. Yes, for me. I'm a sinner and deserve death, but He delivered me from it all. He was nailed to a cross for me. 


He loves me. Yes, Jesus Christ, the Savior of the Universe, loves me!

Miles and I in my bed in deep thought.

Stuff yup

So, I really didn't like Adele's, "Someone Like You," when I first heard it on the radio. I thought her voice shrieked at certain points, and it pierced my ears. The more I listen, the more I am intrigued by her voice. It's not my favorite female voice, don't get me wrong, but it's kinda raspy and distinct. 


I think the lyrics hit me hard. I'm still struggling with emotions. My sister is getting married this weekend, and that's awesome! However, I'll admit to it making me worried about myself. My brother has a prospect, and what do I have? I don't have anyone. The one I thought I had, doesn't want me. The potential new person doesn't want me either. So, I'm just sitting here like okay, apparently I'm not good enough and just have to wait until someday someone will see me in a different light. 


It makes me insecure and lonely as hell. There, that's out. I'm scared of not finding anyone. Not that I have to find someone soon, but in general, I fear I don't have anyone to be with. When I try to move on, stuff happens and I'm back to the beginning. 


I would like to say that I'm confident in various aspects of my life, but the more I grow older and the more that comes my way, the more I'm confused as hell. 


God has blessed me with so much though. He's given me a place to live, that's pretty sweet. My two roommates are very nice, and the location is good. I have friends and family who are supportive of me. WTF is my problem then? I'm not content. I'm on edge. I think I have expectations of how I'm supposed to be and how things are to work out, and when they aren't met, I get crazy. 


It could be something simple in a conversation where I say something and the other person doesn't take it a certain way and it upsets them, then I get down on myself and keep dwelling on it. Yes, I let small things get to me. I sweat the small things. I need to realize that not everyone is as uptight as I am about things. 


I'm going to head to bed now. Good night. God's love will never fail nor leave us. I rest in peace knowing that.