Jeez

So, today marks April 6th I think. Jeez. That means I officially graduate in 30 days I think. Graduation is May 7th although I won't be walking thank goodness. I'm attending my brother's graduation which is that same day. He's graduating from Millersville for comp sci. He'll move to Texas in June. Round Rock, TX, I believe. 


I've noticed that I'm starting not to care as much when I write these entries and in general. Maybe it's because my brain is fried at night. Also, I'm usually multi-tasking when I'm typing. The other thing is that my comp has a mind of its own and frequently messes up where the cursor is. It's oh so much fun to be in the middle of writing something and then lose what you're typing 'cuz you're writing in the wrong spot. I love technology. 


Speaking of which, I want to walk full speed head on into someone who is texting while walking and not looking where they're going. I guess texting is more important than obeying the laws of traffic and personal space. 


It's funny though because despite having a cell phone, I don't find myself being any more connected to people than formerly. It's the only phone I have in the fact that I don't have a landline phone at my apt., so I can't say I use it in excess. 


Anyways, I don't really realize that I'm almost done with school, and that's pretty much a theme in my life. I never look forward to anything because there's always something else to worry about following it. For instance, someone could say, "Oh, Kelly, you're graduating that's fantastic!" And I will respond negatively with, "Yeah, I should have graduated in May 2009, but was too stupid to. Also, I still need to take and pass my NCLEX. And yeah, then I still need to find a nursing job. Thanks for attempting to congratulate me on something I still have so much to put forth for." Yup. That's how I function. There's always something to worry about, and it was quite evident tonight that I simply couldn't sit around or not do anything despite having done all I had to do with my patient. I can't stand still and just not do anything. It drives me nuts, and time goes by so slowly. I know I can't have a desk job because I have the need to walk around. 


Anyways, I'm drifting off the sleep so hopefully I'll have a better attitude. Nighty night. 

Tomorrow is April 1st? Really?

That's right. Tomorrow is April 1st. My brother turns 22 on Saturday. Jeez, I'm getting old. Well, I'm 24, but just saying.

So they're calling for snow tomorrow. WTF? Oh well, at least we're officially in the spring season, and then comes summer and fall, so we're as far away from winter as I wanna be :-D I want to run outside tomorrow my usual loop, so hopefully weather will permit. If not, there are the treadmills at the rec, but I like the freedom to explore the outdoors, dodge cars and people, and see interesting things going on.

Anyways, this semester is getting closer and closer to being over. I'm not even excited about graduation. I'll believe it when I see it. Oh yeah, and I'm not walking. Yeah, I'm glad. I plan on going to my brother's graduation that day at Millersville. I'm exhausted so yeah nighty night.

Every Rose has its Thorn

Each day I feel like I fall short. Why? Because I do. Whether it be fail myself or others, it's a failure nonetheless.

I'm on edge. Slippery rocks. Walking on egg shells. Where is peace? I wish I had a peace of mind and didn't let every tiny thing bother me to such drastic measures.

I have so much yet so little all at the same time.

All I have, and all that I am is in You.

words

Sometimes words simply aren't enough. I'm not sure how to describe how things currently are through strictly words, but I will try to do what I can.

I'll just list a few occurrences just randomly. Tonight there was a basket of forks and knives but no spoons, and yes, I just needed a spoon. I ran against the wind today. I turned in paperwork against my own wishing in order to participate in something for other's satisfaction just for them to turn their backs and bail. 

I think I need to be alone. Me, myself and I. Walk this world alone. Searching for things I will never find. Looking for things I will never see. Awaiting the sunrise yet only catching glimpses of sunsets. 

I pick up stones and caste them into the river. I won't feel their ripples, I will just merely peer into the waters and imagine how nice that would feel. To feel the warmth, the closeness, the security. 

Ever feel numb? That's how I feel.

Leech

So, I think at times we accumulate leeches whether it be out of our own will or not.

What these things do is suck the life out of your and leave you vulnerable to decay. My struggle is worry and anxiety. I doubt that things will be "okay." I want control over things I do not, nor never will have control over. God has control. He has and always will provide for me. Why do I think that I should have all the control? Why do I crave control day in and day out? It's due to selfishness and lack of faith.

God knows my heart. He knows I want to be a nurse and take care of people. I adore doing that. I love seeing my patients smile, and I love listening to their stories and their reflections. I ask them if they have any questions about their current treatments and if there is anything I can help them further understand. I also ask them how they are because asking open-ended questions allows them to share whatever they wish.

God has given me this gift of wanting to take care of people in the medical field, and in general. Anyways, I'm going to go take a shower because I worked out this morning and I currently STANK! he he. Take care.

Laundry List of Worries

That's right. I'm going to write down everything I'm currently worried about. Fun fun.
-Graduating nursing school
-Finding a job
-Finding a new apartment (my lease is up at the end of May)
-Heather's Bridal Shower & Bachelorette Party
-Kristen's Bridal Shower & Bachelorette Party
-Rachel's Wedding
-Scheduling my Pertussis Shot
-My Paper
-Clinicals
-My Menstrual Cycle
-Joel's job situation
-IMPACT
-My Body Image
-Money

Who am I?

I am nothing. Simply dust in the wind. Why is it that I get caught up in the lies I am fed?

I stare at myself in the mirror and don't like what I see. I don't like what I say nor am I proud of what I do. It's impossible to be satisfied, yet for some reason, I keep thinking one day I will be. What will it take?

I'm so lost. So lost. I feel as if I were standing in the middle of the road with a rain cloud over my head.

Why do I create such a life of misery? I live a life of fear. Day in and day out I am strangled with fear to the point of breathlessness. Sometimes when I interact with people I over react because during the day I'm so caught up holding the fears inside, that I jump at anything that's not torture of myself. Does any of this make sense? Who knows.

These desires I have to be something, to be someone, to be, to simply be. What is this all about? When will I attain this "Kelly" I oh so much want to be? What the hell is this all about?

Why do I beat myself up and focus on myself so much? Why am I paralyzed with fear? Why do I hate everything and need everythying at the same time?

Lord, please free me from these chains. Please help me to feel complete in You. Please help me to surrender myself to You. I am nothing without You. Please help me feel Your love and to trust You.